Monday, May 22, 2006
Themes are for suckers
Just some things I've had on my mind recently:

-People ask "Why do you hate American Idol so much? It's only a TV show." Wrong! It doesn't stay confined to my TV. I have to hear their shitty music when I shop, and the other day I turned on the computer and what do I see on my homepage? An image of Paula Abdul CRYING because some talentless karaoke hack cocksucker was low man in a contest in which MORE VOTES WERE CAST THAN IN EVERY PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IN U.S. HISTORY. I was also "treated" to photos of the last two "singers" involved. Their names escape me, but one was a hot chick and the other looked like the guy at Circuit City who tries to sell you an extended warranty even if all you buy are blank CDs. I think the chick should win, but only after she dresses as Jackie Kennedy circa 1961 and licks Kelly Clarkson's coot until the pill-box hat looks like a glazed doughnut.

-My brother is very upset I didn't name him Right-Wing Douchebag of the Month. *SIGH*

-I had a date Friday night. She was nice, but thought she was funny and really wasn't; and thought getting a tattoo was SO dangerous. This is the last date I'm going on in Vegas, by the way. What if we had liked each other? What kind of a mess would that have been? "Yeah, you're the woman I've always dreamed of. Too bad I'll be in Louisville next month, getting drunk on bourbon and cursing my unfortunate timing." She didn't like me at all. Big surprise.

-When I was in fifth grade I was sent to the principal's office for singing this song:
"Spiderman, Spiderman,
Does whatever a spider can/
There he is, climbing walls,
He's got radioactive balls..."

-You know what DOESN'T work? Walking up to a woman at a bar, and saying, in an exaggerated yokel accent, "How'd you like a little South in your mouth?"

-I think anyone who pays to see the new Fast and Furious sequel should be immediately put to death, right there in the theatre. You can learn all about the aftermath in my planned documentary A Day Without Douchebags.

-Judging from the low comment count on my last post, there's a lot of Ted Kennedy supporters out there.

-I went to a strip club last week with the lovely Princess Steph of Princess Steph fame. Damn, what a collection of low-rent hose hounds. Steph's boobs were by far the best pair I saw that night. No, I just viewed them; I didn't experience them. After we left the Stretch Mark Festival otherwise known as Club Paradise, we went next door to the Rainbow, modeled after the famous Los Angeles club, and saw the most stunning collection of bar staff and patrons ever assembled in one place. Nice.

-FYI, Steph mentions the boob flash on her blog, so I'm not telling a secret here.

-



26 Comments:

Blogger Trix said...

Remind me to sing you my version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer some day.

Maybe I'll be up for "Right Wing Douchebag of the Year." One can only hope.........

I happen to know where you went to school in 5th grade, and I'm surprised the teachers there didn't ask you what "radioactive" meant.

Remember the shaving cream song at camp? And you have the audacity to complain about American Idol? For shame!

Blogger n.v. said...

sigh

Blogger da buttah said...

i thought i was right wind douchebag of the year.

damnit!

Blogger miss kendra said...

i viewed jiggs' boobs.

Blogger Cherry! said...

I can't believe the south in your mouth line doesn't work. You're obviously asking the wrong girls.

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

It's even more than the crappy music and inundation of pictures. It's people I know and thought I respected talking constantly about the show and saying peoples' names as if they know them. C'mon people!!!

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

If I expound more on my blog about the benefits of gun ownership will I get RWDBofTM?

As far as American Idol goes...well Just like all the reality tv crap out there it caters to those with an attention span of a gnat..

Blogger ChiroMum said...

Wait, you went to school in KY and could pronounce 'Radioactive'? I'm impressed.

Blogger Nick said...

Who hasn't seen Jiggs' boobs?

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I wanna see some boobs.
God I'm tired.

Blogger AWE said...

No wonder AI gets more votes than the Presidential election, you can vote several times. Wait a second don't they do that in the Presidential election also?

Blogger AL said...

although i have already made a movie called "a day without douchebags", i give you full creative rights over the sequel... it is becomeing qhit a theme. merchandising alone will be in the millions. simon cowell has signed up to be killed in part III..."the day king douchebag died"

AL

http://baconbitsandmidgetparts.blogspot.com

Blogger Übermilf said...

And we were singing

"Bye, Bye to American I
I emptied my gun into Simon until Simon would die"

Todd, I love you.

Blogger tlsd said...

NOOOOOOO... people actually ask that... isn't it obvious... it's SHITE... 'nuff said.

Your brothers just pissed 'cause he's gonna miss you.

If you had So shoot me you fucking cuntard tattood on your forehead, that could be dangerous...

You know what works even less well... walking upto a woman in a bar and sticking a little south in her mouth...

Oh my... women flashing boobies at you... such a lucky boy!

Blogger Kris said...

I only didn't comment on the last post because I couldn't think of anything witty to say. Much like now.

Blogger Brian said...

"coot until the pill-box hat looks like a glazed doughnut."

wow...that statement really rocked my world.

Blogger MadMeer said...

I got sent to the principal twice in my entire life. Once was in 2nd grade for singing:

I'm Popeye the sailor man
I live in a garbage can
I turn on the gas
I burn off my ass
I'm Popeye the sailor man
Toot toot!

The second time was in 5th grade for putting up signs in the windows about the bus driver that read:
"Mr. Baker is a lard ass."

I now drive a vehicle with a bumper sticker that says "American Idol Makes You Dumb." Classy, eh?

Blogger Brookelina said...

I think I'm funny. And I have a tattoo. See? You dated the wrong funny tattooed chick.

Blogger yournamehere said...

trix,
I'd love to hear it.

vast,
oh, you're always in the running.

john,
I don't think singing a novelty song in front of about a hundred people can be compared to the hypefest that is American Idol.

dena,
was that a sigh of admiration, hatred, or bemused resignation?

buttah,
the year isn't over yet!

kendra,
I would have preferred to see yours, thank you very much.

cherry,
I am asking the wrong girls: the ones who have eyesight.

mbfic,
American Idol is like a soap opera for people who work during the day.

lone,
Benefits of gun ownership? Shooting a burglar? Benefit. Shooting a burglar who turns out to be your child? Not so much.

chiromum,
well, it wasn't the South Carolina school system. For instance, I was taught evolution...

Blogger yournamehere said...

nick,
That Jiggs Gone Wild video was pretty crazy.

knitty,
you just want to use the boobs as pillows, don't you?

awe,
only in Florida, Ohio, or wherever George Bush really needs to win.

al,
Simon will bury us all.

ubie,
have you been drinking gin again?
I love you, too.

tlsd,
the boobs were nice, but I never feel lucky.

kris,
no one doesn't say something witty better than you. What?

brian,
she could sell the hat on e-bay.

madmeer,
Mr. Baker was, indeed, a lard ass. He had it coming, that sign.

brooke,
the difference is you are funny. And you'd never date me. Well, neither would she, at least not again, even if I wanted to date her, which I don't. My head hurts.

Blogger Blonde said...

I would love some South in my mouth. Shoulda asked me ;).

So sad that you are leaving Vegas....

Blogger Übermilf said...

Gin is yummy.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

moi? show my boobies? never!!!! ;)

Thanks for the nice comments, those strippers were skanks! When I went up to tip the 2nd one I kind of wanted my dollar back once she smiled at me with her two teeth. Thank gawd it wasnt all nude. *shudders*

Blogger Egan said...

For some reason, I find your hatred of American Idol humorous. Not sure why, but I do.

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