Friday, May 26, 2006
Welcome to My Nightmare
On Thursday I had to deal with...

...getting up so early I actually woke up ten minutes before I went to sleep.

...heat. It had to be over ninety degrees by 9am. You see, we live in a desert.

...hearing a local radio station playing an excerpt from the guy who won American Idol. Fuck me in a cheap hotel, that shit is awful. His voice is TERRIBLE. Was that the best they could do? I've heard vagrants drunk on racing fuel who sing better than that.

...seeing the ass-crack of a woman who had no business showing ass-crack. I'm pretty sure Fatty McPorker's Plus-Size Emporium sells belts.

...a woman trying to pull off the dreaded terricloth shirt/shorts combo. It's never wise to choose your clothes for their absorbency.

...people who smell like Frankenstein's cock invading my personal space.

...the waitress at the Mexican restaurant where I ate lunch. Although I ordered a "burrito", she must have thought I asked for "Rosie O'Donnel's tampon", based on the horror she placed in front of me.

...the drive home from work. Stop-and-go traffic is bad enough; now add one-hundred degree weather and no a/c in the rolling deathtrap I drive. I was sweating like Clay Aiken eating a tall stack of johnnycakes.

I was almost home when something happened that made me smile. A teenage girl rear-ended a guy at a red light.

It made me smile because the guy was an old man in a sports car. God, what a cliche. No one was hurt and there wasn't any damage to either of the vehicles, but Mr. Desperately Holding On to His Youth acted like it was a head-on collision.

I was on his side until he got out of the car and shouted "What are you, stoopid or somethin'?" in a thick New England chowderhead accent. He was wearing a black turtleneck and had his hair slicked back via Michael Douglas as Gordon Gecko, circa 1987. He was such a stereotype I had the sudden urge to don a straw hat and a corncob pipe and play My Old Kentucky Home by beating a mason jar with a banned book.

It was suddenly funny to me. The girl was totally at fault; she wasn't paying attention to the road and bumped into him. But sometimes douchebags need to suffer. And sometimes they need to suffer for my amusement.


Blogger n.v. said...

LOL. Gold, as usual, Todd.

Blogger n.v. said...

people who smell like Frankenstein's cock. !!!!!

I understand why the old man was pissed. I got rear ended recently by an illegal alien that tried to flee the scene before the cops got there. Despite the fucking fact that "I" got rear ended, "I" have to go to court tomorrow because my license doesn't have my new address on it. The guy who hit me, doesn't even have to appear! I have to shutdown my business, I have to sit in a god damned court room all fucking day, while the piece of shit that hit me and tried to run, goes to work, butt fucks a dog or whatever he wants to do. I guess that's what I get for sitting at a complete stop at a redlight. Next time I'll try to use the "Force" when I sense someone is going to plow right into me. If their making me close my business for the day, I'm going to plead not guilty and request a trial on the taxpayers dime, just to be a prick. Did I mention that I'm bitter?

Blogger solethoughts said...

Sounds like you had my kind of day. Fuck.

Blogger tlsd said...

I wuv you todd...

Bugger I think I might be drunk.. hic.. oops... smirk

Blogger Cherry! said...

My whole week has been reasonably shit thus far. I'll have to look out for some 'rear ending' of my own....

Blogger Kristina said...

Vast right wing conspirator: I've been rear ended six times. Shit happens. Get over it.

Blogger katarina said...

I saw that it's been so hot there lately. I'm too fat for that kind of heat. I need to go purchase an air conditioner before it's too late.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

What's great about the situation, Todd, is that when they suffer for YOUR entertainment, they suffer for OUR entertainment as well.

This is why I believe in God.

Blogger Phain said...

waaakkkkkkeeeee uuuuppppppppppp

Blogger Shelly said...

Hilarious, Todd. I'm stealing the "fuck me in a cheap motel" line. Fair warning.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Oh, you're on a roll. Bastard deserved to get his car hit.

my god you're a funny, funny individual. a very cynically funny individual.

is cynically a word?

Blogger JJ said...

You're leaving that awful place soon, right?

Blogger Cold Hands said...

damn. the Rosie ODonnal comment was over the top fucker. I may never eat again (my fat belly thanks you)

Blogger Cold Hands said...

oh, and about that cheap motel.....

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

I try but fail to be amused by such people. I usually end up being so irritated by them and their stereotype-ness that I have to restrain myself from shooting them (which isn't hard, because I'm not that violent nor do I own a gun)

Blogger Claudia said...

Rosie O'Donnell's tamp---blllllllllllaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

You are one messed up MO-FO

Blogger UberDILF said...

boy you sure do know how to turn a phrase.

"I've heard vagrants drunk on racing fuel who sing better than that."


Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

Two things. How do you know what Frankenstein's cock smells like? And I don't ever want to know what that smells like.

Okay, three things. You just crack me the fuck up. Thanks!

Blogger Brookelina said...

Your love for your fellow man is an inspiration to all. I need a tissue...

Marty Feldman, who acquired Frankenstein's cock for Herr Doctor, of course, was asked what it smelled like in an interview for a German magazine. Germans are some sick fucks, you know.

If memory serves, he said it had that new car smell, with a subtle hint of Limburger cheese and just a tantalizing wisp of old McDonald's french fry grease.

Marty died in 1982. WE LOVE YOU MARTY!!!

Blogger yournamehere said...

oh, you flatter me so.

I think you were hit much harder than this guy. Besides, you aren't an old man with a sports car.

your car doesn't have air conditioning?

drunk? For shame.

rear ending? Are you having someone over?

in all fairness, you live in California, so at least you have good weather. We have shitty weather and all of the bad drivers who moved here from California.

I ain't Skinny McGee. I'm burning up.

I am but a humble servant of the lord.

le chat,
I'd love to sleep in.

Blogger yournamehere said...

your blogger profile doesn't lead to a blog, but if you're a single female over the age of eighteen, I'd like to meet you at that cheap hotel.

I'd like to make perfectly clear that no one was hurt and his car was not even slightly damaged.

have you ever been to vegas? I'm an accentuate the negative kind of guy; I'll have you hating Louisville in no time.

cold hands,
I was eating as I typed that line. My fat belly damns me to hell.
And we were very close to several cheap hotels; I would have gladly taken you to one.

I write about it instead of shooting them.

but you adore me. Okay, like me. Alright, tolerate me.

while others were learning marketable skills, I was practicing my phrase turning. I live in abject poverty.
By the way, it's good to have you comment. Do you drink Manhattans? I like a good Manhattan.

let's just say that Frankenstein can never be within a hundred yards of me, and leave it at that.

I love you. Isn't that enough?

so I got...,
don't get too emotional. As long as we have his films, Marty Feldman lives.

Blogger Cherry! said...

No but I was hoping tonight when I go out I might get lucky.

Blogger UberDILF said...

Manhattans are fine. My rule of thumb is if the drink has been around for decades, then it's a proper cocktail. This does not however prevent me from serving Chocolate martini's to the wife.

Blogger tlsd said...

cocolate martini's????!!!!!


God I sound like such a lush...

Blogger Secret said...


"And sometimes they need to suffer for my amusement."

I'm so stealing this line!

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