Thursday, June 01, 2006
Oh, you'll get fucked, but not in the good way...
Last month, right before I decided to move back home, I signed up for a trial subscription to an online dating service called true.com. It was one more futile gesture in my tragicomic attempt to NOT DIE ALONE; or at least ONCE AGAIN HAVE AN ORGASM IN THE PRESENCE OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

True.com has been a disaster from the start. They email me several times a day with what they call Flirt Alerts, and yes, it is as stupid as it sounds. Yesterday they sent me the profile of a woman who lives in Torrance, California. She's beautiful, blonde, and a former Laker girl. The email was titled Is She Your Type?

Yes, she is my type, but so is Jessica Alba. I have the exact same zero percent chance of dating either of them. For one thing, true.com knows how old I am. Really, I told them. I'm four years older than the oldest guy the Laker girl will date. And besides, she was a Laker Girl. I wonder how many times Kobe Bryant punched her in the face during semi-forced sex? I'm a peaceful man; I can't compete with that.

Two days ago I received a standard form rejection from a lady: "I'm pursuing another connection at this time, but thanks for your email." That's just fine, except I never emailed this woman. I had no idea who she was.

I think true.com randomly emails people claiming to be other members. So now, thanks to their ethically questionable business practices, I'm being rejected by someone I have absolutely no interest in. There's nothing worse than thinking "I've just been turned down by someone with no redeeming qualities whatsoever."

This is the end of internet dating for me. Soon I'll be back to Louisville where my true love can be found stumbling out of a bar at 4am, smelling of stale cigarettes and questionable suitors.


23 Comments:

Don't fret Todd. I'm sure you'll unleash your "Weapon of Ass Destruction" on plenty of chicks back home once you get there.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

I must admit that I am rather sad that I never met you when I was visiting the family in LV.

Blogger katarina said...

I hate online dating services.

But it won't stop me from trying again, I suppose. I will stay away from true.com.

Blogger FRITZ said...

The sad and unequivical truth is:
real life dating sucks
on line dating sucks
Kobe Bryant will still get laid.

The rest of us douches have to just fucking wait for someone else who's been fucking waiting to make something work.

You won't die alone. You've got us bloggers.

That sounded really trite--and it was. I smell like stale cigarettes and coffee. Any better?

I've missed my Todd.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I have every confidence you will meet your soul mate in Steak and Shake.

Blogger The real me said...

I stay away for 3 little months and I come back to see you're moving & dating!! What's next... happiness?

Blogger AMS said...

poo.com morelike

I met my wife in a chat room in 1997. It's 'old school' and has become a cliche now, but we were considered cutting edge freaks back in the day. We got to know each other without all the crap attached to being in each other's physical space right off the bat. By the time we met in person, it was like picking up a conversation with an old friend (that you want to fuck). Of course, if it's still there in Louisville off Baxter Ave., you could troll Jim Porters. It was always known as the 40-something's meat market.

Blogger miss kendra said...

maybe try one of the less enormous dating sites, like the personals through nerve.com, or clean sheets, or consumating.

just a thought.

or you could just get a bow and arrow, and who ever gets hit gets hitched.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

"ONCE AGAIN HAVE AN ORGASM IN THE PRESENCE OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING."

Gawd, you are so high maintence.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

:) what are you doing for your last night in Vegas???

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Match.com actually got sued for planting false flirt-alerts to customers whose memberships were about to expire.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Your true love is pretty much describes me 20 years ago. Where were you when I needed you??

Blogger JJ said...

There's no better date than a woman who is too drunk to judge you. Good luck, daddio.

Blogger Rachel said...

I'm sad that you're going to be further away...Vegas I can get to (yeah, yeah, I know) but Kentucky? When the hell am I going to get to Kentucky?

Sad!

Blogger tlsd said...

Internet dating is too damn popular these days. Whatever happened to the good old days when you could go out to a bar get wasted and then... oh hang on that was last week. Dating blows.

I heard they're organising street parties in Louisville. And they've been holding local auditions for a Todds idol competition to win a date with Mr P. Entitled 'I'm Jessica Alba'.

The news on the grapevine is there's been fights already and one girl died in the 'How to give a BJ' part of the audition. Apparently she was exposed to an excessive quantity of throat yoghurt. There are rumours of sabotage...

Blogger MoDigli said...

I like the idea of just acting like a tourist.

Hey! I just noticed you added some ads at the top of your page!!!

Blogger yournamehere said...

vast,
alas, probably not.

housekeeper,
I would have liked to have met my favorite Renoite. Or Renoan. Or person from Reno.

kat,
you just need to subscribe to todd.com.

fritz,
will there still be blogging when I'm old? Or watching reruns of Matlock?

ubie,
I'll probably meet my end at Steak and Shake.

real,
I've dated recently, but I'm not dating. Hapiness? Pipe dream.

ams,
poo? I'm not into that. Ha.

so I,
Porter's is still there, but I like my women a little less grisled.

kendra,
or whoever gets hit bleeds to death.

Blogger yournamehere said...

cold hands,
last night in town? I probably won't do much. Maybe the last Saturday in town.

ian,
true is following in their footsteps.

brooke,
I was there. You laughed at me and threw your drink in my face.

jj,
no woman has ever been too drunk to judge me.

rachel,
planes go to Kentucky, too. Visit me, damn it.

tlsd,
the loser has to go out with me.

mo,
I'm always a tourist on the strip.
Click my ads. I've made eighteen cents so far! I'll have a new car in NO TIME.

Blogger Trix said...

Why would you want a Laker Girl anyways? Look how badly Paula Abdul turned out.

Blogger The real me said...

Trix, that was hilarious!

Let's do a recap of the Mouseketeers too while we're at it.

Justin Timberlake - fondles women in public for a living

Christina Aguilera - what does she do again?

Brittney Spears - marries white trash, gets knocked up, fat and pathetic... will likely end up in jail for child neglect or some fashion crime

Come to TX, it's better than a dating service.

Blogger katarina said...

That's a voyer website. I'm already a subscriber.

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