Thursday, July 06, 2006
An evil monkey lives in my heart
I like the purple tie, though. I'm glad the evil monkey who lives in my heart isn't afraid to take a fashion risk.

I don't take a lot of fashion risks. I'm 6'6", for the love of pizza and beer, and not exactly svelte. I don't need to draw attention to myself.

I think the evil monkey is the reason I haven't and probably never will find love. Yeah, I'm fat and poor, but fat and poor people find love every damn day. If you don't believe me, shop at Wal-Mart for five seconds; bootayloads of fat and poor people who are so in love they felt the need to reproduce like rabbits on fertility drugs. Yes, I give 'em shit here, but at least they've conned themselves into thinking they're happy.

I truly believe that every time I'm close to finding love, the evil monkey who lives in my heart makes me do something stupid, like profess my love for recreational lesbianism or eat that entire pizza in one setting or tell her about my blog.

Yeah, this blog scared a few of them off several months ago. Silly me, I thought they had senses of humor. I had some 'splainin' to do:

"No, I don't REALLY want to ritually murder Dakota Fanning. That was hyperbole."

"No, I didn't perform cunnilingus on Rue McClannahan."

"Yes, I did deposit about a gallon of spunk down a stripper's throat, but I didn't pay for it."

"I've never been on angel dust, swear to God."

I could go on.

As I tried to explain myself to these ladies, literally swaying in the winds created by Hurricane Celibacy, I could faintly hear the evil monkey's chuckle. The fury little fuck was once again ruining my life.

Oh, and every six months or so I'll eat like ten pounds of bananas all at once. Talk about an upset stomach.


23 Comments:

Blogger Blonde said...

I never tell anyone about my blog. For all that is cunty, I would scare men away!

I love you and I want some of your monkey ;). You know I have a weakness for tall, funny men who don't mind if I eat pizza with them!

Blogger MollyNormal said...

Todd, that same evil monkey you now curse will someday be the very thing some lucky girl falls in love with. I say embrace the fucker... what choice do you have, really? :)

Blogger MadMeer said...

I agree with Molly. You should use the blog as your girlfriend litmus test. It's a perfect way to weed out the uptight angry girls who'll only make you miserable anyway. We aren't all uptight, I promise.

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. Or wait - don't fuck them. That's what I mean. Use the stripper to curb your celibacy sickness until a good girl comes along. Your true love should be able to say cock without flinching.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

What do you mean that you didn't muff dive Rue? I thought that it was endearing that you hooked up the old lady. Oh well, hang in there monkey.

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

Thrilled and amazed to see you're back in Louisville - which, in the wake of the horrific publicity your fine city is getting courtesy of former Pvt. Steven Green, could use some of your good mojo:

Green, who was arrested Friday by
FBI agents in Marion, N.C. Green appeared in baggy shorts and flip-flops, and was wearing the same Johnny Cash T-shirt he wore to a hearing Monday in Charlotte, N.C.
[Holy frig! Don't tell MsHellion!]

Re: Las Vegas. "That kid's name was Moe Green - and the city he invented was Las Vegas. This was a great man - a man of vision and guts. And there isn't even a plaque - or a signpost - or a statue of him in that town!" Jerks!

Q: Can a sober, yet horrific bowler actually be caught dead at Lebowksi Fest? Did I mention my truss?

Blogger ChiroMum said...

Damnit, you really DON'T want to kill Dakota? If I can't believe in what you write on an internet blog, then what CAN I believe in!

I'm w/madmeer & mollynormal...blog for litmus test, truely good girls say cock/cunt/fuck without flinching.

Love the new title by the way!

Blogger FRITZ said...

Todd. If these women are so vapidly without imagination and humor to think you are being 100% serious on this thing, then they don't need to be anywhere near you.

That evil monkey will be conquered with kisses and late night sex sessions with the perfect lady. There's always a match out there.

I like his purple tie.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Hurricane Celibacy..that explains so much about my sex life since I came to Florida.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't get your wicked sense of humor? In my opinion, if they don't get you, they don't deserve to be with you.

Blogger yournamehere said...

blonde,
my monkey would love to eat pizza with you.

molly,
but the monkey vexes me so.

madmeer,
the stripper was definitely a one-time thing, and it happened four years ago. I have better odds of winning the lottery.

housekeeper,
she got really drunk and I told her I took care of her. She didn't remember a thing.

steve,
that guy is NOT a native of Louisville. He was stationed in Fort Campbell, KY and Louisville is apparently the nearest town that dispenses justice, so he's being prosecuted here.
Oh, you'd better get your ass to Lebowski Fest.

chiromum,
I'm sorry I stole your ability to trust. My bad.

fritz,
she'll probably end up doing the monkey while I weep quietly in the corner.

brooke,
if you aren't getting laid, I don't have a prayer.

pants,
that is so sweet. Seriously, your new boyfriend is a lucky guy. I wish you two nothing but happiness.

Blogger Shelly said...

I completely agree with pants. If a girl doesn't get your sense of humor, then she doesn't deserve you. Just look at how many women read your blog on a daily basis and laugh our asses off. There are women who appreciate a wicked, witty man. Don't give up, Todd, I'm sure there's someone wonderful out there for you.

Blogger Nick said...

HA HA! You're lonely!

Blogger The Artist said...

let the monkey write an entry or two explaining himself, and then the girls would understand.

by the way, does the monkey in your heart throw its feces around your chest cavity? that's gotta suck.

Blogger Shroom-Monkey said...

Hey- be your obnoxious self and you will find someone equally obnoxious! What is it a bad thing to tell people about our blogs? I told my ex's now they are all pissed with me. Fuck em! They couldn't handle this anyways. You're tall!

Blogger Übermilf said...

Why should you change? They should.

Good women are hard to find. But what do you want with a bad one? Okay, after the first 20 minutes or so.

Blogger yournamehere said...

shelly,
I'm kind of shy in person until I've had a bowl or two of "Loudmouth Soup".

nick,
perhaps I can have one
of your leftovers, Cassanova.

artist,
no, I just poop a lot.

shroom,
find someone as obnoxious as me? What are you doing later?

ubie,
it would be nice to have a few bad ones in rotation until a good one comes along.

Blogger tlsd said...

hey you...

I have a cheeky munkee living in my heart I bet she could tame your evil munkee... even evil munkee's have a soft centre.

I love you and your blog, I don't think you should have to hide part of who you are or change to meet someone elses expectations, if thats the case then fuck 'em, they are not worth you time and attention... there are people out here who love you just as you are, thank you very much!

ps: whats wrong with eating whole pizzas and recreationl lesbianism? Sounds like a fun weekend!

mmmm 6'6"... mmmm

Blogger Nick said...

Touché.

Blogger Lushy said...

The evil monkey is part of what makes you lovable. Embrace the monkey, touch the monkey, loooove the monkey.

Blogger The real me said...

Maybe it's the constant frivilous use of the word "cunt" that turns them off...

I'm just sayin'....

Blogger yournamehere said...

tlsd,
isn't life all about changing to meet someone else's expectations?

nick,
we can't keep track of our lady friends, huh?

lushy,
but the monkey is a miserable bastard!

real,
yeah, thanks for the tip. I hardly ever "speak" the word, and I would hope anyone old enough to date me would understand the notion of context in regard to my using it here.

Shock da monkey! No, seriously, shock him. Shock him hard. A new study in the New England Journal of Medicine confirms what Evil Monkey scientists have long suspected: they just need regular electro-convulsive shock therapy to curb their angry moods. The monkeys, not the Evil Monkey scientists.

Blogger Kimy said...

MMMMMmmmmm ... recreational lesbianism & pizza ... count me in!!!

~Calli~

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