Fashion Tips Just for You

Those of you who've met me know that my fashion sense screams "What's on the clearance rack in the big and tall section at Dillard's?" Even so, I've still had a pretty good track record for predicting the latest trends. This is what I think will take the fashion world by storm in the next year.

Naked is the new black
Ladies, I predict the best accessories you can have in the coming year will be a nice pair of jiggling tits; and why cover them with anything but Mardi Gras beads? Sure, public indecency arrests will skyrocket, as will refused admittance to shops and restaurants, but every day will truly be a party. Really, is their a more noble goal?

Oversized novelty hats for all
In the next year, you don't exist in the world of fashion if you aren't wearing a gigantic sombrero or an extra large foam cowboy hat. Rumor has it that Chanel and Armani are rushing their own versions of these ludicrously large hats into production in time for the Fall runway shows. One fashion insider, who wishes to remain anonymous, states "Our goal is to take the propeller beanie out of the carnival midway and onto the runways of Paris and Milan." Look for those caps that hold cans of beer to be modified to fit bottles of Evian.

My "Kuntucky" line of clothes will be all the rage
"Fat Heterosexual Designer Rules Fashion World": That will be the headline when I drop my Kuntucky clothing line and "Kunt" is on the chest and ass of every teenager and college student in North America, Europe, and parts of Asia.

Other trends to watch include: Pointy-toed fairy shoes; pants made from locust shells; the fake-arrow-through-the-head accessory; pierced elbows; growing your toenails long like a crazed recluse; and not wiping your nose when it runs.

Print this post and save it. Look at it in a year and you'll be amazed at how many of these predictions came to pass.