Friday, June 30, 2006
Fashion Tips Just for You
Those of you who've met me know that my fashion sense screams "What's on the clearance rack in the big and tall section at Dillard's?" Even so, I've still had a pretty good track record for predicting the latest trends. This is what I think will take the fashion world by storm in the next year.

Naked is the new black
Ladies, I predict the best accessories you can have in the coming year will be a nice pair of jiggling tits; and why cover them with anything but Mardi Gras beads? Sure, public indecency arrests will skyrocket, as will refused admittance to shops and restaurants, but every day will truly be a party. Really, is their a more noble goal?

Oversized novelty hats for all
In the next year, you don't exist in the world of fashion if you aren't wearing a gigantic sombrero or an extra large foam cowboy hat. Rumor has it that Chanel and Armani are rushing their own versions of these ludicrously large hats into production in time for the Fall runway shows. One fashion insider, who wishes to remain anonymous, states "Our goal is to take the propeller beanie out of the carnival midway and onto the runways of Paris and Milan." Look for those caps that hold cans of beer to be modified to fit bottles of Evian.

My "Kuntucky" line of clothes will be all the rage
"Fat Heterosexual Designer Rules Fashion World": That will be the headline when I drop my Kuntucky clothing line and "Kunt" is on the chest and ass of every teenager and college student in North America, Europe, and parts of Asia.

Other trends to watch include: Pointy-toed fairy shoes; pants made from locust shells; the fake-arrow-through-the-head accessory; pierced elbows; growing your toenails long like a crazed recluse; and not wiping your nose when it runs.

Print this post and save it. Look at it in a year and you'll be amazed at how many of these predictions came to pass.


26 Comments:

Blogger Cold Hands said...

dude. glad to see you back.

i have a cheese head at my desk for some reason, think that will work?

oh, and i am totally down with being topless, but you knew that.

am i 1st? o my

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Naked was the new black for me while I was on vacation...

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

lol I'm sure if anything starts those trends it'll be your blog.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i look great in black.

Blogger Egan said...

CTRL + P : printing off this post as suggested. I will keep you honest young man. I love foamy blue sombreros.

Pants, you're lying. I watched you very carefully from a distance, no nudity.

Blogger EEK! said...

Nice ham bucket!

Blogger tlsd said...

Thats such a strange coincidence because nude is may favourite outfit.
I look forward to showing you in person...

It's SOOOOO good to have you back... now I just need to get you ON your back.

*smirk*

Blogger Shannon said...

Welcome back, apparently Ukrainians have already started this "nude is the new black" trend.

Ok. Maybe not, but I guess they like to get nude on special occasions.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I'll get a really wide-brimmed hat to protect me from sun cancer while I'm waltzing around naked.

Also, if I don't have the sniffles, can I make my own mucuous out of jello?

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

eGan, I guess someone wasn't watching very closely??

Blogger katarina said...

What about the Cameltoe?
Oh, wait, that never went out of style.

Missed you!!

Blogger Brookelina said...

I'm naked right now.

"Print this post and save it. Look at it in a year and you'll be amazed at how many of these predictions came to pass."

With fashion, I'm never surprised.

Welcome back, Todd Kott-er.

Blogger Egan said...

Brooke if you and Pants were naked.... oh I can't even begin to go there.

Blogger n.v. said...

Todd, I've actually seen a guy with pierced elbows. Toronto. Go figger.

Blogger yournamehere said...

cold hands,
I'm down with you being topless, but you knew that.

pants,
did you go to Vegas?

mbfic,
I'll most likely stop trends from happening.

kendra,
I believe it.

egan,
one of my regrets of leaving the West is that I can no longer stalk Pants.

eek,
uh, thanks?

tlsd,
are you trying to seduce me? It's working.

shannon,
it's cold in the Ukraine. Those are some dedicated nudists.

ubie,
I like how you applied a practical use to the oversized hat while still incorporating the nudity. Excellent work.

Blogger yournamehere said...

pants,
sometimes egan does sloppy work. Back when I was spying on you, I saw EVERYTHING.

kat,
ummm, cameltoe.

brooke,
oh, you tease. Is there whipped cream nearby?

writepro,
Damn, the crappy seventies light rock theme song is stuck in my head now.

egan,
Pants and Brooke naked together? My heart is now beating irregularly.

dena,
that man was ahead of his time. And a tremendous freak.

Blogger Blonde said...

I so want everything in the KUNT collection!!!!!!!!!

I've got to have a "Death Wore A Feathered Mullett" Shirt. You should take advantage of my love of capitalism and let me market this and the "Kuntucky" clothing lines.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I just blew seltzer out my nose.


Damn you!

Blogger afromabq said...

how do you do that????? i want your fashion sense! and here i thought turquoise would take the place of mardi gras beads....

Blogger Phain said...

ok, well, I'll go with you here on your fashion predictions...but what about stirrup pants? Dude...I've been saving mine since the 80's because, well, you know - they always say the best fashions circle back around to popularity! hehehe

oh, and I plan on being nude for the better part of the next three days! *~*kiss kiss*~*

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Stalking me is the new black.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Stalking me is the new black.

Blogger Shroom-Monkey said...

Dude I had the naked tits and mardi gras beads thing going on like 2 years ago. Everyone just trying to be like me. I don't blame them I am pretty damn cool!

Blogger DogGirl said...

Yecch. Talon-toenails. Just yecch.

My neighbors can attest that I decided naked was the new black long ago...

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