Wednesday, July 12, 2006
What drugs should I take?
I think I've discovered the root of most of my problems: I don't take enough drugs. I'm not talking about crack or heroin, the kind of drugs that make people blow strangers at rest stops throughout the South and Midwest; or pot, which if it goes unchecked can lead to dirty smelly hippieitis.

I'm talking about drugs prescribed to me by a health care professional. I need some of those. Apparently there are drugs available that could help me lose weight without diet or exercise. Holy shit, are you kidding me? That's the ultimate dream of fat America. "I'll have the large pizza with everything, double the processed meats, and a pitcher of good non-light beer to wash down this skinny pill."

I'm not like that stroke Tom Cruise; I realize there are drugs that help people with depression. Why can't I use these medical breakthroughs to ensure I never again have to experience a negative emotion? I want to be happy all day, every day. Hey, Doctor, give me a glass of glee juice, motherfucker. I want to SICKEN people with my happiness. I want my joy to cause medical science to invent a pill to combat the nausea created by my bliss. Choke to death on my jubilation, world!

Of course, my new skinny happy self would undoubtedly suffer side effects. These side effects may include: dry mouth; upset stomach; poopy butt; hangnails; rickets; loss of the ability to appreciate irony; trench-foot; more eye boogers than usual; retardation; the weird disease that killed the little girl from Poltergeist; bitchiness; dizziness; itchy taint; swollen nads; tennis elbow; runny nose; total failure of all organs; cancer of the soul; and the belief that Larry the Cable Guy is funny.

My favorite ACTUAL disclaimer comes from Flomax, a drug for men who pee too much or pee too little or pee their pants or whatever. "A sudden decrease in blood pressure may occur upon standing, rarely resulting in fainting. So when starting Flomax, avoid situations where injuries could result." In other words, only take this drug where you'll land somewhere soft after you faint, like at a mattress store or while standing triumphantly over the lifeless body of Rosie O'Donnell. Yeah, guys, you'll be able to piss, but you'll have to do it sitting down like a little girl.


31 Comments:

Blogger Nick said...

"Choke to death on my jubilation" is fucking genius level. And I'm Black so I know what I'm talking about.

Blogger Shannon said...

What good is life if you loose the ability to appreciate irony?

Blogger Brookelina said...

Didn't a stripper already choke to death on your jubilation?

Blogger Nick said...

She didn't die.

Blogger Egan said...

Strippers... hmmm

Huey Lewis, along with the ever present The News, addressed this issue in the 80s, didn't they?

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

sexy party AND drugs!!! i'm soo coming over to your place dude!!!

Blogger Cold Hands said...

ooooo- stay away from the itchy taint, i hear its bad for ya.

the cancer of the soul might make for a nice change.

Blogger mk99 said...

Hallelujah, someone other than me might agree that Larry the Cable Guy is not only "not funny", but nauseating and stupid. He is repulsively unhygenic and no smarter than any inbred mountain idiot could be.

Of course now, he is richer than shit. That blows.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

My favorite rx side effects are diarrhea and death.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I'm not saying I want you to have those, I was just sayin'.

Blogger Flounder said...

They must have a drug that makes you happy all the time. There is no way that Rachel Ray could possibly be that happy naturally.

Blogger Flounder said...

..and Larry is funny. I don't care who you are, that guy is funny.

(But not as funny as Ron "Tater Salad" White.

Blogger Monalicious said...

You can go to my doctor, she will prescribe anything to anyone.

Blogger Egan said...

The Home Depot wants you back.

Blogger yournamehere said...

nick,
keep it real, my brother.

shannon,
it's only a risk. I'm tired of being fat, but I like food too much.

brooke,
no, but she was already dead inside.

nick,
thank you. I want you in charge of all of my stripper-related matters. Unfortunately, that one time would be all of them.

egan,
the thing about strippers? They're like, totally nude and stuff.

John,
thanks for reminding us.

sonrisa,
please do. I'll be waiting.

cold hands,
are you suggesting my soul needs to be purged? Ouch.

mk,
Larry plays to the lowest common denomonator, so it's no surprise that he's wealthy.

pants,
thanks for not wishing diarrhea and death on me. You're the best.

flounder,
you are right about Rachel Ray and Ron White, but oh-so wrong about Larry.
How can I like Ron White and hate Larry? I'm nuanced, dude.

monalicious,
I may have to do just that.

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

Is it worth it to be happy without the ability to appreciate irony? I highly doubt it.

Otherwise, you have my blessing.

OK, you sent me into waves of snorty, unattractive laughter from which not even my rack could redeem me.

I'm just looking for a pill to make me like people. I don't think the happy pills are enough.

Blogger Dawn said...

On a serious note.... I just finished reading a book titled - "Selling Sickness - ((how the world's biggest pharmaceutical companies are turning us all into patients))". It was really informative and it makes me even more anti- prescpription drugs and anti-corporate. Anyway, if you go the diet drug route, make a crack dealer rich, not the FDA and the pharma companies.

Dawn

Blogger Hulkster said...

Dude, my taint itches all the time. Is it just me?

And seriously, how can any side effect be funnier than 4-hour boners? It's been a year or so since they tacked that on to the end of the boner pill ads, and it's still 100% solid comedy gold.

Blogger katarina said...

Don't forget the sexual side effects. They don't scare me. I don't have sex. Ever.

Blogger FRITZ said...

I'm on Zoloft and still fucking miserable. Except when the bluebirds come every morning and perch on my shoulder, singing to me and validating my fatness.

It's a marvelous concept, really. But don't be afraid of the anti-depressants. They just keep you from slitting your wrists, not losing your irony.

Time for my happy pill,now.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

not at all my friend, not at all.

Blogger Violet said...

I hear the green tea extract is some good shit, but only after you've had your aura realigned.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

"lose of the ability to appreciate irony" made me start the laughing session I couldn't stop until the end of your post.

I will be honest...I am on meds from the doctor now to help me lose weight...yea, I'm loser...but hell I lost 15 pounds last month and I have no side effects except constant horniness....which I may have already had.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Fatty diarrhea is a side effect from some drug that prevents your body from metabolizing fat.

That sounds unpleasant.

I don't know how much antidepressants help, but I really like my anti-anxiety drug.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I want your blessing, and to be your next crazy boyfriend.

andi,
if you were with me, your rack would redeem you from everything.

dawn,
no one ever sucked a stranger's cock for prescription drugs.

hulkster,
they say to call your doctor if you have four-hour boners. I'd call my friends and brag.

kat,
you never have sex? I would LOVE to change that.

fritz,
you aren't fat. You are legitimately validated on a daily basis by your fiancee, who is one lucky guy. I also validate you by thinking you're awesome. So there.

cold hands,
oh, I know you love me. Not as much as I love you, but it's a start.

violet,
that's way too freaky for me. Love ya, though.

tumbleweed,
seriously, email me at toddp345@yahoo.com to tell me about these meds.
Your latest picture gave me a case of contant horniness.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Ubie,
I would rather be the fattest man on earth than lose control of my bowels.

You snuck your comment in while I was responding to the others, you comment sneaker you.

Blogger Me said...

Meridia, it's worked wonders for me. Same side effects as Tumble, too.

Get some Soma while you're at it. Mmmm muscle relaxer.

Blogger tlsd said...

oh... and Todd... I had those tablets on perscription from my dr for a while a couple of years ago... The side effects were horrid... I asked to be taken off them...

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I don't need to e-mail ya babe...unless you wanna talk dirty! I'll just tell you it's phentermine. It decreases my appetite. I can't afford Meridia, that's some expensive shit! Mine costs $30 a month plus the doctors visits....what a bargain!

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