What drugs should I take?

I think I've discovered the root of most of my problems: I don't take enough drugs. I'm not talking about crack or heroin, the kind of drugs that make people blow strangers at rest stops throughout the South and Midwest; or pot, which if it goes unchecked can lead to dirty smelly hippieitis.

I'm talking about drugs prescribed to me by a health care professional. I need some of those. Apparently there are drugs available that could help me lose weight without diet or exercise. Holy shit, are you kidding me? That's the ultimate dream of fat America. "I'll have the large pizza with everything, double the processed meats, and a pitcher of good non-light beer to wash down this skinny pill."

I'm not like that stroke Tom Cruise; I realize there are drugs that help people with depression. Why can't I use these medical breakthroughs to ensure I never again have to experience a negative emotion? I want to be happy all day, every day. Hey, Doctor, give me a glass of glee juice, motherfucker. I want to SICKEN people with my happiness. I want my joy to cause medical science to invent a pill to combat the nausea created by my bliss. Choke to death on my jubilation, world!

Of course, my new skinny happy self would undoubtedly suffer side effects. These side effects may include: dry mouth; upset stomach; poopy butt; hangnails; rickets; loss of the ability to appreciate irony; trench-foot; more eye boogers than usual; retardation; the weird disease that killed the little girl from Poltergeist; bitchiness; dizziness; itchy taint; swollen nads; tennis elbow; runny nose; total failure of all organs; cancer of the soul; and the belief that Larry the Cable Guy is funny.

My favorite ACTUAL disclaimer comes from Flomax, a drug for men who pee too much or pee too little or pee their pants or whatever. "A sudden decrease in blood pressure may occur upon standing, rarely resulting in fainting. So when starting Flomax, avoid situations where injuries could result." In other words, only take this drug where you'll land somewhere soft after you faint, like at a mattress store or while standing triumphantly over the lifeless body of Rosie O'Donnell. Yeah, guys, you'll be able to piss, but you'll have to do it sitting down like a little girl.