How to Improve Church

First, an admission: I don't go to church on a regular basis. But I once did, so I know that church services have a lot of room for improvement. I'd like to offer some helpful suggestions...

Note: These are not theological suggestions. I believe in freedom of religion, so if you want to believe every word of the Bible is literal, even the parts that contradict each other, that's your business.

Hey, Choir Soloist...Take a Break Every Now and Then
Okay, you're the soloist, good for you. Yes, we know you have the loudest voice in the congregation. But hey, when the entire church is singing a song could you kindly lower your voice? You aren't having a sing-off with Pavarotti at Carnegie Hall. There's no need to drown out the weak-voiced old ladies and former chain smokers with your air horn aria.

Forgive the Hangovered
If Sunday morning is for church, Saturday night is for going out and getting waste-ED. All churches should come equipped with a semi-soundproof booth for the hangover sufferers. The sounds of the worship service will be piped in at a reasonable decibel level. Usually, with the bombastic preaching, the pipe organ, the crying babies, and the gnashing of teeth, a church service is the sworn enemy of the hangover. With the semi-soundproof booth both can live in harmony, like Jesus wanted.
And there isn't anything sinful about getting drunk. Taking a shit on Lindsay Lohan as she lays unconscious in a Hollywood gutter? Now that's a sin.

Chicks in Bikinis
Kind of like the ring girls in boxing, except instead of holding up a sign that reads "Round Four" these signs will say "John 3:16" or "Psalm 23." Yes, naysayers, "lust" is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. But the Seven Deadly Sins aren't in the Bible. They were concocted by some puritanical fop who wanted everyone to live a joyless existence of back-breaking indentured servitude while he rubbed gold doubloons hard across his nipples.

Enough of this "The evil will be punished in the afterlife." I want results now!
I demand concrete evidence that God isn't letting the douchebags get away with anything. "And on the fifth day of Toddvent, the Lord did fill Ann Coulter's twat with cement, let it harden, and hit it with a sledgehammer."

Potluck Accountability
The church potluck dinner is a tradition in the South and Midwest, often with gastronomically disastrous results. With potluck accountability, you'll know exactly who brought the prune and cabbage casserole covered in cat fur. And if your church votes to excommunicate the offender, then it must be God's will.