Sunday, June 03, 2007
How to Improve Church

First, an admission: I don't go to church on a regular basis. But I once did, so I know that church services have a lot of room for improvement. I'd like to offer some helpful suggestions...

Note: These are not theological suggestions. I believe in freedom of religion, so if you want to believe every word of the Bible is literal, even the parts that contradict each other, that's your business.

Hey, Choir Soloist...Take a Break Every Now and Then
Okay, you're the soloist, good for you. Yes, we know you have the loudest voice in the congregation. But hey, when the entire church is singing a song could you kindly lower your voice? You aren't having a sing-off with Pavarotti at Carnegie Hall. There's no need to drown out the weak-voiced old ladies and former chain smokers with your air horn aria.

Forgive the Hangovered
If Sunday morning is for church, Saturday night is for going out and getting waste-ED. All churches should come equipped with a semi-soundproof booth for the hangover sufferers. The sounds of the worship service will be piped in at a reasonable decibel level. Usually, with the bombastic preaching, the pipe organ, the crying babies, and the gnashing of teeth, a church service is the sworn enemy of the hangover. With the semi-soundproof booth both can live in harmony, like Jesus wanted.
And there isn't anything sinful about getting drunk. Taking a shit on Lindsay Lohan as she lays unconscious in a Hollywood gutter? Now that's a sin.

Chicks in Bikinis
Kind of like the ring girls in boxing, except instead of holding up a sign that reads "Round Four" these signs will say "John 3:16" or "Psalm 23." Yes, naysayers, "lust" is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. But the Seven Deadly Sins aren't in the Bible. They were concocted by some puritanical fop who wanted everyone to live a joyless existence of back-breaking indentured servitude while he rubbed gold doubloons hard across his nipples.

Enough of this "The evil will be punished in the afterlife." I want results now!
I demand concrete evidence that God isn't letting the douchebags get away with anything. "And on the fifth day of Toddvent, the Lord did fill Ann Coulter's twat with cement, let it harden, and hit it with a sledgehammer."

Potluck Accountability
The church potluck dinner is a tradition in the South and Midwest, often with gastronomically disastrous results. With potluck accountability, you'll know exactly who brought the prune and cabbage casserole covered in cat fur. And if your church votes to excommunicate the offender, then it must be God's will.



17 Comments:

Blogger Sysm said...

Two suggestions:

How 'bout a different book every now and then? It's the most repetitive book club ever.

And charging stations for phones. An iPod dock would be pretty sweet, too.

Blogger Captain Smack said...

All good, solid suggestions. If these helpful ideas were actually implemented, I'd go to church every Sunday.

Blogger brookelina said...

I've always thought that each week the service should end with a reminder that the lord and savior of Christianity was in fact, a nice Jewish boy. Then they can get wasted on sacramental wine and dance the Horah.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

A Hangover Recovery Ward, with nurses and hot bikinis, administering TLC with Gatorade and alka-seltzer... comfy beds... and THEN church services at 3 p.m. or so, followed by double cheesburgers and cokes

Blogger tfg said...

I always thought the substitution of codeine for bread would go a long way towards making Communion more enjoyable.

Blogger Kate said...

can we add big screen tvs?

Blogger Kate said...

oh and popcorn machines?

Blogger Kate said...

oh yeah and instead of those dang uncomfortable hard wooden pews can we get lazyboy recliners? with built-in fridges?

then i'd really go to church every sunday.

Blogger wmy said...

Sooooo Mrs. Heffenfeffer, your the twat who keeps bringing that damn casserole huh?!? Make ME cough up a fur ball will ya??? Open the door Deacon Diddle...this bitch is on her way out!!

Blogger Nick said...

If shitting on Lindsay Lohan is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Blogger Flounder said...

As a refular churchgoer and reader of this blog, let me just say that you are all going to hell.

Blogger Nick said...

Refular.

Blogger Flounder said...

Uh, regular.

Blogger miss kendra said...

all potlucks from here forward will include tamales.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

They could be giving away cheeseburgers, beer, and oral sex and I still wouldn't be caught dead up in that motherfucker.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

You have singlehandedly renewed my faith.

Blogger gusleama said...

I hurt myself laughing!

(I found your blog via this and clicked on it because I saw you're also in Ky)

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer