My job sucks the knobby cock of Satan

Well, kiddos, it's been an interesting last couple of days at the shit factory. Maybe it was the record-breaking heatwave that melted the tiny brains of our customer base and most of my coworkers; or maybe this is further punishment for having drawn and quartered the Lindberg baby in my past life. Either way, there were several times in the past seventy-two hours when I wanted to smack someone across the face with a bag of ice.

When I came to work Thursday I was met with the news that two of our cashiers had just had a loud, nearly physical confrontation on the sales floor. Good for Springer, bad for business. Personally I don't care if these guys drop anvils on one another while onlookers shower them with arcade tokens and dirty panties. But as a cashier supervisor, I'm contractually obligated to frown upon such activity.

One of the cashiers, whom I'll call Crazy Ass Motherfucker, is a crazy ass motherfucker. He always asks people for money, even on payday. Also, we received a call from a man who said his daughter is being harassed by Crazy Ass Motherfucker, who apparently has been using the store's phone to call this poor girl.

But did threatening a coworker and using our phone to commit a possible felony get Crazy Ass Motherfucker fired? Of course not. He was merely sent home for the day. Fuck, the next time I want the day off I'm just going to dropkick a stock boy and call a random chick and yell "CUNT!" into the phone.

A few hours later, one of our other cashiers got into a shouting match with a supervisor. Now, this particular supervisor is an old, miserable son of a fuck, but I didn't want to lose one of the only cashiers who can count to eleven without whipping out his dick, so this wasn't a good thing.

Just when that settled down, it started to thunderstorm. Normally that isn't a big deal, but it is when your newest employee, a grown woman, is afraid of thunder and spends several minutes cowering in a corner in the fetal position. Why, baby Jesus? Why?

The next day was highlighted by Crazy Ass Motherfucker leaving the store in the middle of the shift and asking a stranger for a ride in his van. Then he called an hour later and asked for his job back. This time, he was finally fired.

That may have been the weirdest thing that happened, but it wasn't the most disgusting. That would have been the elderly gentleman with the elastic shorts pulled up to his chin who decided to sit on our front counter and give the planet earth an unobstructed view of his horrid old man balls! Then, I swear, his wife comes up to the cash register and asks "Where do you keep the nuts?" I had to walk away.

Saturday was rather uneventful, except it further proved my theory that only morons buy kegs of beer. No one cool has ever purchased a keg, at least at our store. One shithead didn't collect enough dollar bills from fellow members of the Clay Aiken Fan Club to afford both a keg and tap, so he just left with the keg. Maybe he knows a man-whore who can suck the beer out through a short length of hose.

Someone help me find a new job!