Saturday, August 18, 2007
My job sucks the knobby cock of Satan
Well, kiddos, it's been an interesting last couple of days at the shit factory. Maybe it was the record-breaking heatwave that melted the tiny brains of our customer base and most of my coworkers; or maybe this is further punishment for having drawn and quartered the Lindberg baby in my past life. Either way, there were several times in the past seventy-two hours when I wanted to smack someone across the face with a bag of ice.

When I came to work Thursday I was met with the news that two of our cashiers had just had a loud, nearly physical confrontation on the sales floor. Good for Springer, bad for business. Personally I don't care if these guys drop anvils on one another while onlookers shower them with arcade tokens and dirty panties. But as a cashier supervisor, I'm contractually obligated to frown upon such activity.

One of the cashiers, whom I'll call Crazy Ass Motherfucker, is a crazy ass motherfucker. He always asks people for money, even on payday. Also, we received a call from a man who said his daughter is being harassed by Crazy Ass Motherfucker, who apparently has been using the store's phone to call this poor girl.

But did threatening a coworker and using our phone to commit a possible felony get Crazy Ass Motherfucker fired? Of course not. He was merely sent home for the day. Fuck, the next time I want the day off I'm just going to dropkick a stock boy and call a random chick and yell "CUNT!" into the phone.

A few hours later, one of our other cashiers got into a shouting match with a supervisor. Now, this particular supervisor is an old, miserable son of a fuck, but I didn't want to lose one of the only cashiers who can count to eleven without whipping out his dick, so this wasn't a good thing.

Just when that settled down, it started to thunderstorm. Normally that isn't a big deal, but it is when your newest employee, a grown woman, is afraid of thunder and spends several minutes cowering in a corner in the fetal position. Why, baby Jesus? Why?

The next day was highlighted by Crazy Ass Motherfucker leaving the store in the middle of the shift and asking a stranger for a ride in his van. Then he called an hour later and asked for his job back. This time, he was finally fired.

That may have been the weirdest thing that happened, but it wasn't the most disgusting. That would have been the elderly gentleman with the elastic shorts pulled up to his chin who decided to sit on our front counter and give the planet earth an unobstructed view of his horrid old man balls! Then, I swear, his wife comes up to the cash register and asks "Where do you keep the nuts?" I had to walk away.

Saturday was rather uneventful, except it further proved my theory that only morons buy kegs of beer. No one cool has ever purchased a keg, at least at our store. One shithead didn't collect enough dollar bills from fellow members of the Clay Aiken Fan Club to afford both a keg and tap, so he just left with the keg. Maybe he knows a man-whore who can suck the beer out through a short length of hose.

Someone help me find a new job!


19 Comments:

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I can find a job for you, no problem.

Now count to eleven.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I don't remember anything you said after the words "knobby cock".

Blogger Tracy said...

Oh boy, i never thought anyone would surpass me in daily freak/weirdo/& or old-man balls sightings but you my friend are the winner and reigning champion.

i bow down before you.

Blogger Some Chic said...

It surely must be knobby..
You can come work with me... It's for True Slackers only.

Blogger greensunflower said...

OMFG I am sorry you have a shitty job, but I am laughing HYSTERICALLY!!!

Blogger Steph said...

It's possible that the heat makes weird fuckers even crazier. Hence why there are so many nutjobs in my country.

I'm dreading summer.

Blogger Al Sensu said...

You have brightened my day.

You have the makings of a hit sitcom on your hands. Just sayin'. I bet Lindsay Lohan would sign up to be in it for cheap.

Blogger Übermilf said...

maybe you should stay and write your misery into a novel. You have the tools and the material.

Blogger J said...

Try waiting on tables for a day..I bet you'd go running back to your crappy job after having to rely on the same sick fucks for your income. At least you get paid to suck that knobby cock..I gotta do it and "hope" I get 15%!

Blogger Cold Hands said...

Where DO you keep the nuts???

Blogger Melissa said...

Knobby cock. That's going to keep me laughing all night.

As is the image of the old man and his nuts. Good God.

Blogger GT said...

That just goes to show, truth is stranger than fiction.
One of the funniest things I've read this year.

I was at the gym the other day and there was a guy older than Methusala in the locker room doing toe touches in the nude. Hi fucking ball sack hung down below his knees! I swear to God he must have tied weights to his scrot to make it hang like that. It burned an image onto my retinas that I will never be able to remove.

Blogger la dolce said...

I'm sorry about your misfortune, but it was an entertaining read.

I need an assistant!?

Blogger Übermilf said...

I have never felt more sympathy for a Republican as I do for your brother, right now.

Blogger Kate said...

"Why, baby Jesus? Why?:

ricky bobby. love it. lmao.

Blogger miss kendra said...

HAHAHAHA.

i'm sorry, but

HAHAHAHAHA.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer