Thursday, August 16, 2007
Something that brings us all together as one

As Americans, we are truly a country divided. But there is one thing that unites the vast majority of us: A deep-seeded hatred of the New York Yankee baseball team.

Unless you live in New York, or are an expatriate escaping like a coward to warmer climes, you hate the fucking Yankees.* Black, white, Republican, Democrat, gay, straight; it's truly a melting pot of abject loathing.

Right now there's a lawyer in Boston hoping Derek Jeter gets the clap from the latest coke-addled model he's banging. At the same time, a stripper in Atlanta laughs out loud when she hears through the starfucker grapevine that steroid use has left Jason Giambi impotent and hung like a tater tot. Two people with absolutely nothing else in common are unknowingly brought together by good ol' fashioned sports hatred.

Hell, I think Ben Affleck is one of the worst actors of this or any generation, but two things will forever keep him off of my Shovel Justice list: He's famous for being a generous tipper; and he hates the New York Yankees with an intensity that's borderline insane. If he could channel just a small percentage of that passion to his acting, he'd make Robert Deniro look like Vin Diesel.

Even in Chicago, Cubs fans might think of White Sox fans as a bunch of "shirtless-father-and-son-duo-wannabe yokels" and Sox fans might think the North Siders are all "pinky-extended latte sippers", but I'm fairly certain they hate the Yankees more than they hate each other. I read in an article that Chicagoans don't like shopping at Macy's because it's too identifiable with New York City, so they have to hate the god damn Yankees.

*Of course some people with zero ties to New York are Yankee fans. These punks are soulless frontrunners and should never be employed, befriended, or sexed up.


24 Comments:

Perhaps that will be my platform for running for the Presidency in 2012:

"God Hates the Yankees, & so do I"

It's the only way a Reactionary like myself has a chance to get elected....

Oh, and Ben Affleck still deserves Shovel Justice.

Blogger Erin said...

I love the Yankees.

But my parents were New Yorkers.

That's just how it goes.

Blogger yournamehere said...

vast,
you just need to fool middle-America into thinking "This is a guy I'd like to have a beer with." Apparently this is much more important to folks than whether or not a politician's policies will help or hurt them.

erin,
I would say "C'mon, adopt the Mets" but I don't like them, either.

And this explains your love of thin crust pizza, too. This is where I'd put one of those smiley face emotocons if I did that sort of thing. Talk to you soon.

Blogger Doola! said...

There's a pretty large chunk of people nationwide whose favorite team is the Yankees. They're also the people whose favorite college football team is Notre Dame and favorite basketball team is the Lakers. Same people who are, these days, claiming to have been Patriots fans since they were kids, even though when they were kids, they proudly wore the big poofy 49ers jacket to junior high. Everyone loves a winner.

"Rooting for the Yankees takes all the courage, conviction and baseball intelligence of spam. It's like rooting for Bill Gates to hit scratch-n-win, or Brad Pitt to get the girl." - Rick Reilly

Blogger Übermilf said...

I hate the Cowboys, too.

Baseball is Godawful boring. The one cool part of the game - the mighty HR - has even been bastardized by all the juicers. I suppose all of this means I'm ambivalent about the Yankees.

Blogger April said...

Damn Yankees i'm a straight-up Cubs fan myself.

As far as Ben...i'll never forgive him for Bennifer. Heh.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Thank God it's almost football season.

Blogger miss kendra said...

sports?

eh.

i hate the yankees because i am from massachusetts and they make us.

Blogger Sara said...

hey now i'm all about the yankee hating, but let's don't get carried away and lump the cowboys in too

Blogger Melissa said...

Hung like a tater tot, eh? Best/scariest visual I've had all day. Thank you for that.

Blogger la dolce said...

I'm officially a Mariners fan now, what does that make me?

Blogger tiff said...

But.....if it's them or the Mets.....

Can't I like them, just a little bit? At least they WIN sometimes.

Blogger Steph said...

Meh! I don't get why people get all bent out of shape over sports...now shoes, THAT's where it's at.

Blogger Sysm said...

It's the Baseball Furies that did it for me.

Fucking punks.

Blogger yellowdart said...

My hatred of the Yankees was renewed today on the waterfront when a couple of tourists sporting A-rod jerseys tried to jack a cab I flagged down. The shit of it was they were passengers on my tour earlier this morning. Did they tip, you ask? NOPE. Fuckers...

Blogger Übermilf said...

I can't hate the Cowboys?

How about... the Ohio State fight song? That shit sucks.

Blogger Bizarro-Flounder said...

Amen Brother.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

This post made me need to go change my pants.

Nothing hits my sweet spot quite like a good, fiery hatred of the Yankees.

Blogger yournamehere said...

doola,
nobody in Louisville ever gave a crap about the Indianapolis Colts, even though they're only a hundred miles away, until they started getting good. Now they're very popular here.
I'll admit I was glad to see Manning win a ring, but I don't consider myself a fan and could easily cheer against them in this year's playoffs.

ubie,
now that's just a cheap shot.

gfk,
you shouldn't be ambivalent about the Evil Empire of sports.

april,
I hope the Cubs finally win.

scarlet,
I agree. Let the games begin.

kendra,
that's a state-run social program we can all agree with.

sara,
no kidding. I'm a Cowboys fan.

melissa,
it turned you on, huh?

la dolce,
that makes you a resident of Seattle.

tiff,
choose the mets if you must.

steph,
well, none of these fuckers play barefoot.

sysm,
fuck yeah.

yellowdart,
people who wear A Rod jerseys are not to be trusted.

ubie,
yeah, fuck Ohio State.

flounder,
I knew we'd agree.

tits,
I'll hate the Yankees with even more intensity just for you, babe.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

You're absolutely right about how the Cubs and White Sox fans view one another and how the Yankees help us bridge that divide.

George Steinbrenner is like the boy in little league that shows up with the $300 alloy bat. He buys all the good players every year. And it does my heart joy every year that the Yankees either fail to make the playoffs or lose in the first round.

Blogger Jo said...

The Yankees are my second favorite... right behind the Tigers. Can we still be friends?

Blogger Yank In Texas said...

Yankees suck! As a lifelong Red Sox fan, I can't help but hate the Yankees. I met someone the other day who ended up a converted Sox fan because she was a previous Dodgers fan so there was the mutual hate of the Yankees which united everyone.
And I AM one of those Patriots fans from the beginning. I grew up 20 minutes from Gilette/Foxboro/Sullivan stadium. I went trick or treating at players houses. (King size baby!)
I can't ever like the Yankees. It's just not in me.

Blogger PunkRockHillbilly said...

I have a shirt that says A-Rod is a A-Hole that I bought in Boston. Another group of fans that hate the Yankees....Atlanta Braves fan...which I am....I should like my hometeam...KC Royals...but have you seen them play?

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