Thursday, November 22, 2007
It's all over but the gastrointestonal distress
Thoughts about Thanksgiving...

-Turkey is fine, but I like the fixin's better. I'm a fixin's kind of guy.

-They could just replay the same Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade over and over year after year and no one would be the wiser. Do they still have the Underdog balloon? Has anyone under the age of thirty-five ever heard of Underdog?

-I understand that retail stores are open on Thanksgiving, and it's ok if you forget something and have to do some last minute shopping. But I do think that an employee of the store's choosing should be allowed to slap you in the face. Because... why not?

-The Jets suck.

-There was a halftime show during the Dallas game. Kelly Clarkson sang some half-assed medley of her hits as the Cowboy cheerleaders danced in the background. I think Kelly is popular because she reminds guys of girls they've had sex with. Not girls they've thought about while pud-pounding to Cinemax soft porn, but girls they've fucked. That's what "girl next door" means, you know. It's a polite way of saying "I went next door and we fucked."

-There are three NFL games on Thanksgiving now. The new one is on the NFL Network. It's hard to get this channel, like the NFL doesn't want just anyone to have their precious network. First you have to have digital cable, because I'm assuming analog cable is for ballet-watching ninnies; then you have to order an additional "Wiping Your Ass With Discretionary Income Sports Tier". It's easier to get on the VIP List at Pure on New Year's Eve than it is to get this crappy channel.

-Radio Shack opens at 6am Friday morning. Anyone standing outside of a Radio Shack at 5:59am needs to seriously consider the option of suicide.

-Did I mention that the Jets really really suck?

-Back to football, I don't think players from sucky teams should be in TV commercials. It might not be Chad Johnson's fault that the Bengals are shit, but I don't want to hear from him.

-I hope everyone had a great day.


Blogger John said...

Ditto on the fixin's, Macy's, bitch-slapping customers, Kelly Fucksome, NFL Network nonsense, Radio Nerd Shack, and yes, the Jets truly have perfected the art of oral vacuumage. Now I'm off to kill the person or persons who decided to turn this local radio station into 24/7 Christmas songs until the end of the year. Send me a file baked in some fixin's so I can bust out of Huntsville.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Fuck the NFL channel!

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Oh, and happy Thanksgiving.

Blogger Sara said...

Maybe it's not the Jets are so horrible, maybe it's the Cowboys are sooo good.

Blogger E Flo said...

I have to work every Thanksgiving, and I want to slap every fuck who says "It is just so great that you are open today."

Yeah, go away now so I can eat my PB&J sandwich I packed for lunch.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I can see grocery stores staying open until, say, noon.

Everything else except gas stations should be closed.

I decree it.

But nobody cares about my decrees.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

You know what I like?

Pie for breakfast.

J. E. T. S. - Suck, Suck Suck!

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Sometime in the mid-1990s, the Macy's parade had the Kermit the Frog balloon. The announcers mentioned how it was the same one they'd used for at least a decade, as they showed a picture of a past parade when Kermit was new. Cut to the live feed, and Kermie is wilted and deflated, with his face down as if Miss Piggy's muff was underneath. But the announcers were saying, with seemingly no irony, "Boy, Kermit sure looks good today!" That's by far my favorite parade moment ever. Pure Americana.

And don't even get me started on the NFL Network. They're the reason YouTube carries not a single play made by any decent camera ever.

what about the people who stand outside of Radio Shack at 11:00 the night before to get ready for the store opening at 6 am?

And fixins' are the most important part of any meal.

Blogger Rachel Schell said...

I also prefer the fixin's though I don't care for stuffing (please don't lynch me).

Blogger GiveEmHellHarry said...

I prefer trimmins to fixins. I think Kelly Clarkson finally figured out how to dress for TV with that all black ensemble and fat backup singers to keep in the shot. It is very slimming.

Oh, yeah. Fuck the NFL Network.

Blogger Dale said...

It's all about the fixins.

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