I've taken some shots at the average swing voter, and maybe that's not fair, so I've decided to send the near-legendary Death Wore a Feathered Mullet news team to interview Sindee May Stevens, of Warren, Ohio. Sindee is a swing voter from a "battleground" state, so I'm guessing she's dumb as a stump. Let's see, shall we?
DWAFM: Boss tattoo, Sindee!
Sindee: Thanks! My cousin Dwayne works at a tattoo parlor.
DWAFM: Did he do that to you?
Sindee: Naw, he cleans the shitters there. This other guy did it.
DWAFM: Anyway, what are the issues that concern you this year?
Sindee: That shit's all complicated, I don't know... I want someone I can relate to, you know?
DWAFM: Sadly, I do know. What do you do for a living?
Sindee: Well, I worked at a chicken rendering plant for five years, but then when the state raised the minimum wage to $7 an hour, they closed up and moved to China.
DWAFM: What were you making before the plant closed?
Sindee: $6.50 an hour.
DWAFM: So they chose to move overseas rather than pay American workers an extra fifty cents an hour?
Sindee: I guess. Can you hurry this along? My stories are on the tv. Once you miss a day it's hard to catch back up.
DWAFM: Sure. Are you leaning toward any ticket at this time? Is there anyone who "speaks to you"?
Sindee: I really like that Sarah Palin. She reminds me of my first husband, only she can have kids like me.
DWAFM: Your first husband was politically active?
Sindee: Naw, but he hunted and fished and always smiled while he punched me in the face.
DWAFM: Wow. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. Do you think a vote for McCain/Palin is a vote for your best interests?
Sindee: They say they put country first. I saw it on the tv.
DWAFM: I have neither the patience nor the advertising budget to dispute that logic.
DWAFM: Never mind. (pause) But you still haven't made up your mind 100%?
Sindee: Look dude, my friend Renee is having a birthday party the night before the election, so I might not even make it to vote. I could be sleeping one off.
DWAFM: Well, thanks for your time, Sindee. I'm going to go drive the Death Wore a Feathered Mullet news van off the side of a fucking cliff.