The blog awful announcing usually comments on the morons who call sporting events, but they recently printed an open casting call for a commercial to air on ESPN to promote college basketball.
I'm going to reprint this odd casting call, making fun of it along the way. Sound fun? Well, read it anyway, god damn it! The original text is in bold.
The concept: The spots take place in the ESPN College Basketball Call Center (CBBCC). All of these guys are there representing their schools, calling people on the phone to get them to watch more College Basketball. Basically they are selling college basketball.
SEEKING:
[ DUKE UNIVERSITY ]
MALE. Our guy for Duke UNIVERSITY is a smart, with it, young WHITE male. He's handsome. He's from money. He is, in short, the kind of guy, everyone can't stand. He is the kind of guy everyone wants to be.
-Does everyone want to be the kind of guy everyone can't stand? I want to be the handsome, rich guy everyone likes because he always buys them drinks.
[ NORTH CAROLINA ]
FEMALE. She's a Southern bell. She is the counterpoint to Duke. Being young and pretty everyone wants to be around her. She's charming. Not a dingbat, she's sharp.
-Has the word 'dingbat' been used since All in the Family went off the air?
[ TEXAS ]
MALE. Straight out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog, Texas is a young man's man. He is the kind of guy that could field dress a deer and then take you to the debutante ball in 20. Polite, farm boy. He's good at everything. Except call centering.
-He isn't good at call centering? Well, fuck him!
[ KANSAS ]
MALE. Kansas is straight off the farm. However, he takes great pains to point out that Kansas is very cosmopolitan, as witnessed by their record, their burgeoning tech industry, and their hybrid corns.
-Don't forget the outlawing of evolution.
[ CONNECTICUT ]
MALE. Connecticut is all things Connecticut. He's a little bit older.
He's a little bit thicker around the waist. He's WHITE. He's also competitive. Very. Waspy, blue blood.-
-The Chamber of Commerce should use that as a slogan: "Come to Connecticut for Our Fat, Snobby, Overly-Aggressive White Guys; Stay for the Clam Pizza."
[ OKLAHOMA ]
MALE. Oklahoma is awesome and he thinks everything is awesome. He's very enthusiastic about all things call center and all things life and he wants to share this contagious enthusiasm with everyone he meets.
Wide-eyed, as naive as they come.
-Yeah, he's enthusiastic until the end of the commercial, when he's blown up by Timothy McVeigh's cartoon ghost.
[ LOUISVILLE ]
MALE. Louisville is very true to place. He's short. He's HISPANIC. And one day he hopes to carry on in proud Louisville tradition and race thoroughbreds.
-Watching thoroughbreds race is a proud Louisville tradition, but forcing tiny Hispanics to become jockeys is quickly gaining ground.
[ TENNESSEE ]
FEMALE. Tennessee is orange crazy. The ice tray in her orange fridge, that freezes the water she dyes orange, is that orange. The party girl cowboy hat she wears is a white and orange zebra print. The tattoo on her lower back is Pantone 3 for that Tennessee orange. The only thing that's not orange is her dog, which is the mascot Smokey. Did we mention she's crazy? A slutty girl who would hang out at the cowgirl hall of fame.
-My friend took his kids to the cowgirl hall of fame, and the place was lousy with sluts. They were everywhere.
[ PURDUE ]
MALE. Child prodigy. 14-year-old. Or open to an 18-year-old who looks 14. Aeronautical engineering. Wiz kid. Think McLovin from Superbad.
-McLovin? He got into college with a bad fake ID? I don't remember McLovin being very smart.
[ VILLANOVA ]
MALE. Villanova is the poor man's Duke — he's not quite as handsome, he's not quite as rich, he's not quite as dapper. After 2 or 3 beers though, who cares? As he's friendly enough.
-Yes, ladies, get stinking drunk and think about "Duke" as "Villanova" plows you.
[ NOTRE DAME ]
MALE He's an ASIAN kid who is in to all things Notre Dame, ridiculously so. Oh, and he's always fighting. Every time we encounter him he always has some words or another, be it the faint traces of a black eye, or a scab or whatever. He epitomizes the fightin' Irish.
-Or maybe his stepfather beats the shit out of him on the weekends. Seriously, is everyone at this ad agency retarded?
[ PITTSBURGH ]
FEMALE. Pittsburgh is a tomboy. She obviously grew up in the neighborhood and isn't going to take any guff from anyone and she'll wallop you in the eye with a crowbar if you suggest different. So don't. Think Tina Fey type.
-Yeah, because when I think of a woman who would attack me with a crowbar at the slightest provocation, I think of Tina Fey.
[ SYRACUSE ]
MALE. Jewish kid from Long Island that is loving the college experience. It has opened up a world he never knew existed. All you can eat buffets in the cafeteria — who knew? To Syracuse, everything is a party.
-They're going to have him exclaim "Oy, vey!" aren't they?
[ MARQUETTE ]
FEMALE. Marquette, on a scale of 1-10, she's a six. A B-, C in every category you can define a person by. Her defining characteristic is you don't really remember her. You're not breaking your arm to get to her, but you're not chewing it off to get away. She does have a winning personality though. Midwest, sweet girl.
-"You know Jane, I'd have to be pretty drunk to fuck you, but if I did I wouldn't kill myself over it. You should try out for the role of 'Marquette' in that ESPN commercial."
[ MICHIGAN STATE ]
MALE. Blue collar to the core. Michigan State is one tough kid that grew up by putting a few down. That's just Michigan State's way. Big beefy kid.
-"Sorry my kid killed your kid. That's just his way. What do want, he's beefy!"
[ MEMPHIS ]
MALE. What can we say about Memphis? He's a southern BLACK kid, really culinary and polite. He's artistic, and draws comic books really well.
-How close were they to describing him as "well-spoken"?
[ OKLAHOMA STATE ]
FEMALE. She's a fun loving girl, Oklahoma born and bred. Decided not to travel out of State so she should be closer to home. She's a flirt. She's a hot chick.
-Not slutty enough for the cowgirl hall of fame, but still...
[ MARYLAND ]
MALE. He plays lacrosse. A dude. Low key. Mid Atlantic, wears baseball hats and chinos.
-Look for "Maryland" on a Hot Chicks with Douchebags post, possibly with "Oklahoma State" on his arm.
[ OHIO STATE ]
MALE. He looks like Jim Tressle (head coach of Ohio State football) in the dress code. Red sweater vest. Always. Doesn't care for swearing either — of course we never really test this out as they are commercial advertisements and no one swears in them, but it's true nevertheless.
A Republican.
-Whoever wrote this should lose his job. And perhaps his freedom.
[ ILLINOIS ]
MALE. African-American. Young Obama. Think Toofer-the straight-laced, Harvard grad writer from 30 Rock.
-Look out, Young Obama is pallin' around with poorly conceived stereotypes.
[ TEXAS A&M ]
MALE. True to the region, Texas A&M is one tough dude. He's not big physically, but he is imposing. He's an ROTC kid and his 100-yard stare lets you know it.
-In the sequel, he kills everyone with a high powered rifle.
[ BAYLOR ]
MALE & FEMALE. Baylor is not one people but two. It's a couple. In fact, we're not even sure which one goes to Baylor. We only know they are madly in love. Their world is each other, which is really sweet or really sickening, depending. Think Sheri Oteri and Will Farrell as the cheerleaders.
-Why not save some money and hire a hermaphrodite?
Thankfully, this commercial will never be made. ESPN was in no hurry to offend most of the country, so they released the following statement:
I'm going to reprint this odd casting call, making fun of it along the way. Sound fun? Well, read it anyway, god damn it! The original text is in bold.
The concept: The spots take place in the ESPN College Basketball Call Center (CBBCC). All of these guys are there representing their schools, calling people on the phone to get them to watch more College Basketball. Basically they are selling college basketball.
SEEKING:
[ DUKE UNIVERSITY ]
MALE. Our guy for Duke UNIVERSITY is a smart, with it, young WHITE male. He's handsome. He's from money. He is, in short, the kind of guy, everyone can't stand. He is the kind of guy everyone wants to be.
-Does everyone want to be the kind of guy everyone can't stand? I want to be the handsome, rich guy everyone likes because he always buys them drinks.
[ NORTH CAROLINA ]
FEMALE. She's a Southern bell. She is the counterpoint to Duke. Being young and pretty everyone wants to be around her. She's charming. Not a dingbat, she's sharp.
-Has the word 'dingbat' been used since All in the Family went off the air?
[ TEXAS ]
MALE. Straight out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog, Texas is a young man's man. He is the kind of guy that could field dress a deer and then take you to the debutante ball in 20. Polite, farm boy. He's good at everything. Except call centering.
-He isn't good at call centering? Well, fuck him!
[ KANSAS ]
MALE. Kansas is straight off the farm. However, he takes great pains to point out that Kansas is very cosmopolitan, as witnessed by their record, their burgeoning tech industry, and their hybrid corns.
-Don't forget the outlawing of evolution.
[ CONNECTICUT ]
MALE. Connecticut is all things Connecticut. He's a little bit older.
He's a little bit thicker around the waist. He's WHITE. He's also competitive. Very. Waspy, blue blood.-
-The Chamber of Commerce should use that as a slogan: "Come to Connecticut for Our Fat, Snobby, Overly-Aggressive White Guys; Stay for the Clam Pizza."
[ OKLAHOMA ]
MALE. Oklahoma is awesome and he thinks everything is awesome. He's very enthusiastic about all things call center and all things life and he wants to share this contagious enthusiasm with everyone he meets.
Wide-eyed, as naive as they come.
-Yeah, he's enthusiastic until the end of the commercial, when he's blown up by Timothy McVeigh's cartoon ghost.
[ LOUISVILLE ]
MALE. Louisville is very true to place. He's short. He's HISPANIC. And one day he hopes to carry on in proud Louisville tradition and race thoroughbreds.
-Watching thoroughbreds race is a proud Louisville tradition, but forcing tiny Hispanics to become jockeys is quickly gaining ground.
[ TENNESSEE ]
FEMALE. Tennessee is orange crazy. The ice tray in her orange fridge, that freezes the water she dyes orange, is that orange. The party girl cowboy hat she wears is a white and orange zebra print. The tattoo on her lower back is Pantone 3 for that Tennessee orange. The only thing that's not orange is her dog, which is the mascot Smokey. Did we mention she's crazy? A slutty girl who would hang out at the cowgirl hall of fame.
-My friend took his kids to the cowgirl hall of fame, and the place was lousy with sluts. They were everywhere.
[ PURDUE ]
MALE. Child prodigy. 14-year-old. Or open to an 18-year-old who looks 14. Aeronautical engineering. Wiz kid. Think McLovin from Superbad.
-McLovin? He got into college with a bad fake ID? I don't remember McLovin being very smart.
[ VILLANOVA ]
MALE. Villanova is the poor man's Duke — he's not quite as handsome, he's not quite as rich, he's not quite as dapper. After 2 or 3 beers though, who cares? As he's friendly enough.
-Yes, ladies, get stinking drunk and think about "Duke" as "Villanova" plows you.
[ NOTRE DAME ]
MALE He's an ASIAN kid who is in to all things Notre Dame, ridiculously so. Oh, and he's always fighting. Every time we encounter him he always has some words or another, be it the faint traces of a black eye, or a scab or whatever. He epitomizes the fightin' Irish.
-Or maybe his stepfather beats the shit out of him on the weekends. Seriously, is everyone at this ad agency retarded?
[ PITTSBURGH ]
FEMALE. Pittsburgh is a tomboy. She obviously grew up in the neighborhood and isn't going to take any guff from anyone and she'll wallop you in the eye with a crowbar if you suggest different. So don't. Think Tina Fey type.
-Yeah, because when I think of a woman who would attack me with a crowbar at the slightest provocation, I think of Tina Fey.
[ SYRACUSE ]
MALE. Jewish kid from Long Island that is loving the college experience. It has opened up a world he never knew existed. All you can eat buffets in the cafeteria — who knew? To Syracuse, everything is a party.
-They're going to have him exclaim "Oy, vey!" aren't they?
[ MARQUETTE ]
FEMALE. Marquette, on a scale of 1-10, she's a six. A B-, C in every category you can define a person by. Her defining characteristic is you don't really remember her. You're not breaking your arm to get to her, but you're not chewing it off to get away. She does have a winning personality though. Midwest, sweet girl.
-"You know Jane, I'd have to be pretty drunk to fuck you, but if I did I wouldn't kill myself over it. You should try out for the role of 'Marquette' in that ESPN commercial."
[ MICHIGAN STATE ]
MALE. Blue collar to the core. Michigan State is one tough kid that grew up by putting a few down. That's just Michigan State's way. Big beefy kid.
-"Sorry my kid killed your kid. That's just his way. What do want, he's beefy!"
[ MEMPHIS ]
MALE. What can we say about Memphis? He's a southern BLACK kid, really culinary and polite. He's artistic, and draws comic books really well.
-How close were they to describing him as "well-spoken"?
[ OKLAHOMA STATE ]
FEMALE. She's a fun loving girl, Oklahoma born and bred. Decided not to travel out of State so she should be closer to home. She's a flirt. She's a hot chick.
-Not slutty enough for the cowgirl hall of fame, but still...
[ MARYLAND ]
MALE. He plays lacrosse. A dude. Low key. Mid Atlantic, wears baseball hats and chinos.
-Look for "Maryland" on a Hot Chicks with Douchebags post, possibly with "Oklahoma State" on his arm.
[ OHIO STATE ]
MALE. He looks like Jim Tressle (head coach of Ohio State football) in the dress code. Red sweater vest. Always. Doesn't care for swearing either — of course we never really test this out as they are commercial advertisements and no one swears in them, but it's true nevertheless.
A Republican.
-Whoever wrote this should lose his job. And perhaps his freedom.
[ ILLINOIS ]
MALE. African-American. Young Obama. Think Toofer-the straight-laced, Harvard grad writer from 30 Rock.
-Look out, Young Obama is pallin' around with poorly conceived stereotypes.
[ TEXAS A&M ]
MALE. True to the region, Texas A&M is one tough dude. He's not big physically, but he is imposing. He's an ROTC kid and his 100-yard stare lets you know it.
-In the sequel, he kills everyone with a high powered rifle.
[ BAYLOR ]
MALE & FEMALE. Baylor is not one people but two. It's a couple. In fact, we're not even sure which one goes to Baylor. We only know they are madly in love. Their world is each other, which is really sweet or really sickening, depending. Think Sheri Oteri and Will Farrell as the cheerleaders.
-Why not save some money and hire a hermaphrodite?
Thankfully, this commercial will never be made. ESPN was in no hurry to offend most of the country, so they released the following statement:
"Our marketing department just learned of this casting call today and the campaign is not something we will pursue. The language and approach reflected in that document were not approved by us and in no way represent ESPN or the respect we have for the college community."
Thanks to awful announcing, all I had to do was cut and paste most of their post and add a few smartass comments. I'm so proud.
9 Comments:
I'm ESPN and I approve this message.
No wait! No I didn't!!! I didn't say that!! I take it back!
What about those red-blooded, hard-working real Americans who LOVE stereotypes? Why won't anyone cater to OUR needs for once?
The Fighting Irish made them think of an Asian? Ohio State conjured a vest-wearing Republican? Proof positive that marketing should be made illegal in the United States.
I'm surprised they didn't have an LSU fan with a giant rebel flag for a cape sitting 12 feet above every other call center drone just so they can look down on everyone else. Of course, that's a true stereotype.
And to think all those dimwits probably was edumacated in a college themselves. good grief.
Connecticut is not nearly as Connecticut as most people think it is. They guy they were describing maybe goes to Yale, but the people who go to UCONN are often pot smoking hippies who don't bathe very often. Like my niece. Who gets it from me.
Holy crap. Now I know where the Palin advisors went to work after the election.
Wait, so Kansas gets an evolution joke but Duke doesn't get a rape joke? I'm disappointed.
Is Virginia Tech just a shot up corpse?
for some reason, i am thinking of those "real men of genius" beer commercials and they crack me up, i even sing along with them. sometimes, i hum them while i wait in line at the grocery store. it passes time AND causes others to find other lines, grins, debra
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