Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Adhesive Atrocity
The idea for today's post was inspired by a Pus Boy rant on the site Virtual Pus, in which he expresses dismay at a moronic car magnet. It reminded me of a bumper sticker I saw last summer here in good ol' Vegas.

Last summer I was still working as an assistant manager at noted dismal failure Organized Living. Never being one who likes to delegate, I found myself, despite my quasi-lofty position of near-importance, enduring the one hundred-trillion degree heat while helping a lady carry a metric ton of impulse buys to her car. This lady hadn't been any more annoying than the other quarter-wits I dealt with on a daily basis, but she soon earned a place of stature in my personal Human Garbage Hall of Fame. Yeah, the bumper sticker made her a first-ballot entry.

I would like to warn the faint of heart and weak of stomach to stop reading at this point. Likewise, if you have severe allergic reactions to unconscionable ignorance, turn off the computer and go powder and fluff your merkins or something. Okay, I told you so. The first thing I saw were the words "I Pray for George W. Bush and Our Troops." I think we all, regardless of political slant, want the troops to come home alive. Some of us may even pray that Bush would come to his senses and get them the fuck out of harm's way. So, having left one red state for another, I was used to sappy Republican crap and was prepared to let it go. Then I saw the illustration. As I describe said illustration, I'm sitting on the toilet while puking in a bucket, the thought of it makes me so sick. Underneath the slogan was an artist's rendering of George W. Bush in a prayer semi-circle with Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. See, I told you so. Is blood now pouring from your every orifice and maybe seeping through your pores a little? Well, you only read about it; I had to see it.

I'm not rich, and god knows I'm not good looking, but thank every deity of every practiced religion since time began that I'm not stupid enough to approve of that bumper sticker. I would have rather been born a leper, my ravaged face pressed against Mother Teresa's withered teet, than be the kind of absolute simpleton that would put that horror-fuck on my car.

That woman is fucking lucky I'm a virtual pauper who lives paycheck to paycheck and can't afford to lose a job because I painted a parking lot with the blood of the omnidumb. I simply prayed for her violent death and walked away.

I will say that, as a Democrat, I'd like to have a bumper sticker depicting Bill Clinton and John F. Kennedy tag-teaming Jenna Jameson.


10 Comments:

Blogger MsHellion said...

You are one of the good ones.

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

So, "horror-fuck" is a noun?

It was Mother Theresa's teet that really got me in all that. Although, yes, I would have been appalled and in a vomitous uproard over the bumper sticker.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Sniff .. sniff .. what could be more patriotic and God-fearing than Bubba and Kerry tag teaming Jenna?

Bush praying with Lincoln and Washington? Now that is funny!! I forgot how much Washington and Lincoln were in favor of whoring out the White House to corporate interests. I'm already looking for my "Don't blame me; I voted for Kerry" bumper sticker.

Blogger Ruben said...

Wow! you have to feel really good after a rant like that. I'm now inspired to make a post ranting about my bastard neighbors.

Blogger n.v. said...

Me think you doth protest too fucking much -- just how ugly are you? Personality makes you "hot." Don't let your lack of facial symmetry get you down, buddy. I dig you anyway.

Blogger Brookelina said...

That is absolutely the most nauseating thing I have ever read. But then again, just seeing Bush on television gives me a cramp.

Blogger Rachel said...

LOL, you are a true patriot! With the mental image of Jenna, Jack and Bill in my mind, I salute you!

Think I need to get to Vegas more often.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Come visit Vegas soon, and in the spirit of HNT..bring your sweet ass with you!

Anonymous Kath said...

You COULD have started screaming and going apeshit by pointing at the bumpersticker and saying 'OH MY GOD...look what some stupid cretin stuck on your bumper while you were inside shopping'.

Or not. Yeah, probably not.

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