Saturday, June 04, 2005
The Drive of the Damned
I have a rule when I drive: No cell phone conversations. Why? It's hard enough to avoid all the crazy people when I'm actually paying attention to the road.

Today I was coming home from the grocery when this douche on his cell phone actually took up three lanes of traffic at once. I didn't think it was possible to drive a car sideways, but this stunt daredevil was actually doing it on a busy main road. I honked my horn at him as a gentle reminder to MOVE BEFORE I SLAM INTO YOUR CAR AND KILL US BOTH, YOU JIZZ-ADDLED FELTCHSTAIN! He gave me the finger, which had probably been all up his sister just minutes before, and straightened out so he was only using two lanes. I went around him, hoping my rising blood pressure wouldn't make my head explode.

I swear to Jessica Alba (you have your god, I have mine) if a man ever crashes into me because he's talking on a cell phone I'll kill him right on the spot. If, after the wreck, I'm physically able to get out of my car I will end his life with extreme prejudice. If the collision leaves him bloodied and disoriented, I'll drag him from the mangled wreckage and jump up and down on his chest like I'm trying to stamp out a fire. If my prayers are answered and he's already dead, I'll steal the body from the accident scene and desecrate and torture his corpse in ways that'll hare-lip Donald Rumsfeld.

If the driver is a woman I'll hire another woman to kill her at a later date, when she least expects it.

That's all. Happy driving.


Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

"Hello? What's that? Oh, sure. One sec. Hey Todd, it's for you."

Blogger katarina said...

I agree 100%. I was almost killed once by a bitch on a cell phone. She knew she was wrong and waived at me as if to say, "Sorry, sweetie, but you know how I am when I'm on my cell phone." She didn't hang up either. I wanted to cut her ears off.

Blogger MsHellion said...

My death waits, like a raging Todd.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

I think we worship at the same church.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

There's not a court in the land that would convict you. Maybe Nevada will pass that law like New York supposedly has saying you can't talk on cell phones while driving.

Blogger Ruben said...

People who drive and talk on cell phones should be beaten and forced to listen to Kenny G albums until they pass out.

Blogger Jen said...

Amen, Brother. Also, you have such a gift for the profane! I'm jealous.

Among approximately 5 million other reasons, never move to North Carolina because the driving (cell phone related and regular) is atrocious.l I have a feeling you'd be a regular personality on the front page of the paper and the evening news.

Blogger n.v. said...

when I see someone on their cellphone, I give them the finger, honk and stick out my tongue at 'em, or swerve dangerously close.

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