Thursday, June 09, 2005
Take Your Ass Back to New York
A lot of Las Vegas natives hate out-0f-towners. They bitch constantly about visitors, even though they're the sole reason for our lack of state income tax and abundant entertainment options. Without tourism, Las Vegas would be...Phoenix. Is there a television show starring James Conn and a bevy of hot babes called "Phoenix"? No there is not.

Besides, even if a tourist is particularly annoying, he'll be gone soon. That's the beauty of visitors; they leave. Residents, on the other hand, are here full time to fuck up the program. I hate to make sweeping generalizations - with the exception of here on my blog and in regular life - but ex-New Yorkers are ruining Las Vegas the hometown. Everywhere I go these loud, obnoxious everyone-look-at-me assholes are either berating service industry workers, discussing rude topics in their mouth-as-megaphone tones, driving like spastics, pushing their way through crowds, or rooting for the god damn Yankees. Fuck each and every one of them until the Keebler elves mistake their poop chutes for hollow trees and set up a series of anal cookie factories.

The worst part of it is how they wear their despicable behavior like badges of honor. They're proud to be the worst people in the history of human existence. Wasn't 9-11 supposed to change them for the better? I don't know, maybe it did and all the ones who didn't want to change moved to Las Vegas. Their excuse is, "New York is so crowded and fast paced, you have to be aggressive to survive." Maybe, but you aren't there anymore. You're out West; most of these people are laid back former Californians, with one passive-aggressive southerner/midwesterner who wishes you'd chill the fuck out or go back to New York. And for the love of our taste buds, take your pizza with you. No one else likes that greasy, flaccid-crust shitpie you douches worship. DEEP DISH, BITCHES! WHAT?

Oddly enough, this doesn't apply to female ex-New Yorkers. The one's I've met have been charming ladies with adorable accents. I guess they're thrilled their dating pool doesn't consist entirely of New York men.

Steve C., you live in New York. What the fuck is up with these people?


Blogger MsAPhillips said...

I'm willing to take a swing at this one, having lived on both coasts. Keep in mind: who likes to travel to Las Vegas? I doubt it is my friends in New York. Many true New Yorkers don't ever leave New York, which makes for a weirdly well-educated provincialism.

I think the answer is: people are jerks when they are tourists because they have been invited to be jerks. And each demographic does it in its own way. Slow-moving nitwits, people who read EVERY sign out loud with an air of delighted self-congratulation, people who demand [fill-in-the-blank lingua franca]-speaking people to speak English ("Ah'm juhs askin' 'im for a G.D. cheeseburger, Evelyn!")... Tourists are invited to act like long-lost members of the Russian royal family when they are spending tourist dollars.
I cannot defend New Yorkers who travel to Las Vegas for other than anthropological reasons.
I can, however, defend actual New York pizza. If necessary, we will drive a slice to you for a little Stromboli shock-and-awe.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Okay, but I was talking about ex-New Yorkers, ex meaning they now live in Las Vegas. Maybe I didn't make myself clear.
It has just been my observation that ninety percent of the time I see a clerk or waitress getting yelled at for things beyond their control, it's by someone wearing a Yankees hat. This is in the suburbs, where no tourist dare travel.
Also, mock outrage is sort of my blog shtick. I know not all New Yorkers are like this. Las Vegas brings out the worst in a lot of people, a fact that is kind of a running theme around here.

Blogger n.v. said...

James Caan!

I know nothing else about this post, having never been to Vegas or a stand-out visitor anywhere else.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Hell yeah, Sonny Corleone himself.

I had to reply, Dena, in case no one else commented on this blog and the scenerio wherein I reply to every comment but yours would have played out.

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

Could be a simple case of "You can take the rude son-of-a-bitch out of the hard and raw city, but you can't..." etc. I do believe that the lack of sky makes many New Yorkers nuts and anti-social. A little-known Chinese busboy/haiku poet once wrote: "Walk on concrete, live in concrete, heart of concrete."

The whole "if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere" has been sadly transmogrified into a license to be a prick. There is a sick sense of entitlement to it that, while embarrassing to most decent-minded New Yorkers, is seen as the last line of defense for a cornered rat in a cold and unforgiving landscape.

Why transplanted New Yorkers would feel the need to keep up this exhausting routine once they've sailed to friendlier, more spacious environs is a real noggin-scratcher. I personally have never left, save for a surreal 3-month hiatus to L.A. of all places, so I can't really speak from experience.

I will say this: a loud, ugly New York accent in full tantrum mode is one of the most excruciating sounds on the planet. So, I feel for you.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I feel ya on this one. I went to Arizona State so every wanna be rich kid from Longuyland was going there because the tuition was cheaper. Every one of these clowns wore gold chains and an endless supply of running suits. I actually had some of these idiots try to convince that the best Mexican food was in NYC as well as the best Texas BBQ! "OH yeah, I forgot about that huge smoker grill they got parked out back with the 10 cords of wood. Right, it's next to the dumpster, the fucking rats, and a few dead bodies."

Blogger MsHellion said...

Yo, Todd. Since you so kindly called out Steve for his New Yorkiness, why not add a link to his blog in your list? =)

Blogger Brookelina said...

Oh oh oh!! We have way too much in common. It's starting to freak me out!

Blogger MoDigli said...

New Yorkers are obnoxious. And that accent is a mark of ignorance. I can't help it - I just hate it! (but I was born outside of NYC, and I have obnoxious family members who speak that way; so my hatred probably has more to do with dysfunctional family bullshit.)

It's also a fact that NY'ers know nothing about the American Geography. If it's not the tri-state area of NY, NJ, CT; or Miami, Fl; or I guess Vegas, now; then it's just a blurry blend of cow or corn country to them. I hate that kind of self-centered, self-importance. Get over yourself, NY'ers!

I will defend the pizza, though. I love that cardboard crust, damnit!

Anonymous eek said...

Damn, don't harsh on the pizza. Deep dish sucks! That Chicago stuff isn't pizza, it's a casserole on dough.

My first stop in the city is always Famous Joe's. Fuck, I'm drooling on my keyboard now.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Well, we big ol' fat guys love us some casserole.

Blogger joanne said...

I'm from NY :-(

I guess if I ever meet any of you I will have to hide my accent.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Jo-anne: Note my comment about charming NY women and their lovely accents. Don't hide a thing.

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