Tuesday, July 05, 2005
The 5 Worst Movies I've Ever Seen
I'm not saying these are the worst movies ever made. These are the five worst movies I've paid to see in a theatre. I try not to pay to see sucky movies, but it happens sometimes. I see a lot of terrible movies on HBO, but I turn those off after ten minutes if they start to annoy me.

Private School
I saw this as a teenager and fully expected it to suck shit through a crazy straw. I didn't care; I just wanted to see Phoebe Cates naked. Phoebe, the Jessica Alba of the eighties, immortalized her perfect body in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and this was her follow-up film. So what did the geniuses who made this dung fest do? They cast her as the good girl virgin. AARGH!!! Not only was she never naked, they dressed her in horrible granny clothes. Her bad girl rival got naked but she was just some nameless skankette. For a high school loser, it was a huge disappointment.

Phantom Menace
Jar Jar Binks. Need I say more? Well, I'm going to anyway. Jar Jar was the most annoying, aggressively unfunny, cringe-inducing character of the past thirty years. Oh, and his portrayal was racist in a way that made me think the movie was funded by a white supremacist militia. J.J.B. was such a walking minstrel show I expected him at any moment to start tap dancing and/or picking cotton.

Independence Day
You could dip tortilla chips in this movie, it's so cheesy. Bill Pullman, who plays the President, is the worst actor in Hollywood. I've seen better acting in amateur porn. How does he keep getting work? He must have pictures of every top executive in Hollywood on a stage in Tijuana, having sex with a donkey.
During the movie I pulled for the aliens. I wanted them to wipe the bad acting, broadly-written ethnic stereotypes, sappy soundtrack, and Will "I am the same character in every movie" Smith off the face of the earth.

Planet of the Apes (remake)
I'm a big fan of director Tim Burton, but like a masturbating leper, he really dropped a ball on this one. I didn't think Burton was capable of making an obvious, cliched, dull, by-the-numbers action film, but he made the fucking prototype. I sat bored for two hours, but after the Scooby Doo Ending he slapped on I left the theatre pissed.

Godzilla (remake)
I was with a group of people or I would have walked out on this one. Star Matthew Broderick agreed with me; he gave the most uninspired performance of his career. At times it looked like he was casually reading his lines off of cue cards. The talentless hack who wrote Independence Day wrote this, so every character is offensive or borderline retarded or both. Godzilla's size seemed to change in every scene. One minute he was as large as a skyscraper, the next he was crawling around in the subway. I expected him to shrink down to microscopic size and go on a rampage through someone's colon.


38 Comments:

Blogger Ruben said...

The movie Godzilla was so bad that some viewers actually died in the theatres while watching the film.

Blogger MoDigli said...

I must AGREE wholeheartedly with Godzilla. That movie sucked ass.
I actually went to see it on a date. That never progressed much further, and I hold Godzilla partly to blame.

I am also thinking of this really dumb movie with Catherine Zeta Jones that sucked really bad. They all had to spend the night at this haunted house with their professor. I think it was sopposed to be a scary movie, but it just ended up being so STUPID!!!

Blogger Brookelina said...

I'm with you on Godzilla. I am HUGE Godzilla fan - the real one - the man in the suit Godzilla. I love watching him trip over twigs and fall down. He's so silly.

As for the worst movie I ever paid to see - Ishtar. I talked my boyfriend into seeing it. I thought it would be much more intelligent and entertaining that the movie he wanted to see - the first and legendary Die Hard. Boy did I pay for that one for a loooooong time. Which actually worked out well for both of us in the end. hehehe

Blogger Osbasso said...

No comments about the movies, but the line "like a masturbating leper, he really dropped a ball on this one" is a masterpiece!

Blogger Rob Danger said...

You forgot the very worst part about planet of the apes: not once was Marky Mark naked or even shirtless. I don't see a Marky Mark movie for anything BUT the firmly held belief that he will be sans-shirt at least once. W-T-F, indeed.

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

Jar Jar Binks was enough to disgrace the entire Star Wars franchise, let alone ensure that The Phantom Menace was one of the worst films ever. Completely unforgivable.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I'm with Flesh on that one too. Gratuitous male nudity isn't just for homosexuals anymore.

I had a halfway intelligent comment all ready. Then it went out the window with the leper's ball.

Blogger n.v. said...

Todd, I gotta start doing something other than commenting on how funny you are OR you have to stop making me laugh. My comments here are so lame. I just re-read your posts over and over and cackle like a crazed Chinaman.

Blogger n.v. said...

Phoebe Cates: hot. I'd go lesbo for her. Like full on clam-diving and gift certificates to the motorcycle store for new riding gloves.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Dena, every time you compliment me it warms my heart, seriously.

Phoebe's first film, even before Fast Times..., was a Blue Lagoon rip off called Paradise. It has the worst dialogue and acting ever, but Phoebe is naked throughout. She was young...I think they started shooting the nude scenes on her eighteenth birthday, and she was en fuego.

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

Phoebe Cates..LOL. When I started dating my man - waaay back when - he had a picture of her in his wallet...folded up...tucked away. I've teased him for it ever since. I think she was just "cute" - but then again - I was told i'd be a bad lesbo. :)

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

I'd have to agree with you on most points except I liked independence day. It might be carry over from the Fresh Prince.

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

I had to come back. I left thinking about what movies really disappointed me...and there were many - but there was one that sticks out in my brain for whatever reason...it goes WAY back.

C.H.U.D.

I shamefully admit - I paid to see that one.

Blogger yournamehere said...

L.A., I saw a few minutes of C.H.U.D. way back when on HBO. I quickly changed the channel.

In college we called the goths and vampires C.H.U.D.s. A few of them hung out with us. We'd call them that and they'd take a draw from a clove cigarette and nod appreciatively. C.H.U.D.s never laughed. They nodded appreciatively.

Blogger Yo, move forward said...

I hate Jar Jar Bink too. Just a creature of annoyance

Blogger Johnny Menace said...

Bill Pullman was excellent in space balls.

Blogger MsAPhillips said...

Even lepers would die laughing at this one. Way to go!

Blogger katarina said...

I've never seen any of these movies and there's a reason for that.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Bill Pullman was perfect in Space Balls because his wooden acting and anti-charisma were used as parody.

It doesn't work, however, when he's supposed to be serious.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

YNH - You are a comic genius! I was crying with laughter at that post! "Suck shit through a crazy straw" has got to be the funniest insult I've heard for a very, very long time.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Did you see Bill Pulman in Ruthless People? He was funny in that, but he was probably trying to play it straight.

I think one of the (many) worst films I've ever watched is Pearl Harbor.
It is a cheerfully offensive rape of history that cheapens the lives of World War Two veterans by making a dumb popcorn movie out of their suffering. The film is three hours (too) long, with lots of soppy music, a cliche ridden script and pedstrian acting.

Blogger n.v. said...

Todd, isn't Paradise that movie with Willy Ames? Phoebe gets purgnant and oh, we get to see Willy's willy in the underwater swimming scene.

Big bush = tiny penis.

Blogger MsHellion said...

I will forever be grateful for the year you came to my Halloween party dressed as "The Man Who Killed JJB."

Blogger Gwen said...

Unfortunately, you are lying about Independence Day. That movie transcended badness to become awesome, which must explain why I watch it in its entirety every time it comes on TV and then cry when the drug addict kamikazes the spaceship for the sake of his children.

So you should pick something else in its place. How about Basic Instinct? Did you pay to see that?

Blogger MsHellion said...

Stick by yer guns, man. Independence Day was a shit burger.

Blogger Johnny Menace said...

Fucking shit,
"Bill Pullman was perfect in Space Balls because his wooden acting and anti-charisma were used as parody" elimates the whole "Bill Pullman is the worst actor in Hollywood." It takes a Pullman/Reeves actor to play wooden and anti-charisma.

Wouldn't the worst actor in hollywood not have an acting job because they are the worst?

Blogger mastershake said...

haha a masturbating leper. you have some clever analogies. and i agree though ive always waited for those movies to come out and rented them.

Blogger mrsmogul said...

what? No JAWS included? My face worse jaws movie is the one where the tag line was "this time, it's personal!"

Blogger yournamehere said...

I only saw the first Jaws, and it was good. I heard the others were terrible, but I didn't see them.

Thanks to all the first time commentors. Someone told me I was being rude by not thanking the newcomers. Whatever, but thanks for stopping by.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

How do I feel about Godzilla? I was given the tape for Christmas in 1998. I still have yet to watch it.

Modigli, you're talking about The Haunting. Yeah, that was lame beyond belief. I saw it with my cousins. Otherwise I would have gone home and fallen asleep for days.

I've walked out on two movies: the Psycho remake and Be Cool. Another movie I saw in its entirety but disliked was The Thirteenth Floor. To this day it remains the only movie that I actually forgot about immediately after seeing it (I finally recalled it two months later, after seeing the soundtrack in a CD bin at Venice Beach).

Blogger Bethmerica said...

The worst movie I've seen lately is A Wedding for Bella or if you saw the TV movie version in Australia, The Bread, My Sweet.

It had Scott Baio playing a corporate VP who longed to make Biscotti all day. How it made me long for the days of Charles in Charge.

Oh the horror of too many motifs: pistachios, twirling gypsies, and the deep loathing of processed snack food. Not to mention the minorly retarded, hulking younger brother reminescient of Lenny from Of Mice and Men. He didn't snap any necks though, just baked a lot of pies.

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

I think it's also safe to say that 90% of Sequels suck monkey nards.

Blogger n.v. said...

Armageddon = bad. "The president of the United States has just asked us to save the world." Fuck off!!! Fuck off one million times, Bruce Baldheaded Bitch Willis. And fuck your staff and your floppy-lipped movie daughter with the spread-open legs. That movie was so recockulous, I had to get up out of my seat in the theatre and take an angry dump in the aisle.

Blogger n.v. said...

Then I had to smear it on my face and do backflips while screaming prayers in Swahili.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I so love you, Dena. "Did you ever know that you're my hero?"

Blogger n.v. said...

You are the wind beneath my meat curtains.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Yippie, I'm a pussy-fart.

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer