Congressional Terms of Endearment

I was in Target the other day and an old man asked me to reach something on the top shelf for him. This is a common occurrence in my life so I didn't have any problem helping him out, but after I handed him the item he said to me, "Thank you, sweetheart." Being called "sweetheart" by an eighty-year-old man is not a common occurrence! It made me feel creepy. At least he didn't have a high-pitched voice like the old pervert on Family Guy. I would have fled the scene had he said, "That's a nice muscley top-shelf reachin' arm you got there. I got a shiny fifty-cent piece in my pocket; reach in there and fish it out for yourself."

That incident made me want to use terms of endearment inappropriately and out of context. I was at Coffee Bean later that day and held the door for a lady, but I didn't call her "sweetheart" or "baby" because she probably gets enough of that shit without me piling on. I also didn't use any terms of endearment with the Coffee Bean staff, because I'm a regular and don't want to end up on an "Only Serve Him Decaf" list. When I got home I phoned my brother and in the middle of our conversation called him "babycakes" but he knows I'm crazy so he just let it slide.

Wanting to use inappropriate, unsolicited terms of endearment with out being maced, punched, or blacklisted proved quite the dilemma, until I got the idea to write my congressman, Representative John C. Porter, R-NV.

Dearest Congressman Porter:
Hi-ya, honey bunny. My name is Todd Smith and I'm one of your constituents. Although I voted against you twice, the first time to a man who is now serving a prison sentence, I would like your help, my buttermilk biscuit. I want to run a brothel out of my garage, and I need a big strong powerful schnookums such as yourself to make this happen. Imagine my surprise, darling John, when I learned that prostitution, while legal in Nevada, is illegal in Clark County. C'mon, hot muffin, how unfair is that? Without Clark County, which you may know contains Las Vegas and Henderson, the two largest cities in Nevada, this stain-hole of a state wouldn't have a reason to even exist. Why can't I, as a resident of the county that gives this fuck-all state its very purpose, take advantage of cash-strapped, emotionally crippled young ladies and desperate, lonely men and become a sexual scavenger? Hook me up, sugar nips, and maybe I'll vote for you next time. Maybe.
Thanks in advance, sweetheart.

Yours,
Todd H. Smith


I emailed that yesterday. For the record, I wouldn't really open a brothel in my garage. A strip club, sure; but not a brothel. I just wanted to shock and offend my congressman. When I'm in prison, promise to write.