Monday, July 25, 2005
Congressional Terms of Endearment

I was in Target the other day and an old man asked me to reach something on the top shelf for him. This is a common occurrence in my life so I didn't have any problem helping him out, but after I handed him the item he said to me, "Thank you, sweetheart." Being called "sweetheart" by an eighty-year-old man is not a common occurrence! It made me feel creepy. At least he didn't have a high-pitched voice like the old pervert on Family Guy. I would have fled the scene had he said, "That's a nice muscley top-shelf reachin' arm you got there. I got a shiny fifty-cent piece in my pocket; reach in there and fish it out for yourself."

That incident made me want to use terms of endearment inappropriately and out of context. I was at Coffee Bean later that day and held the door for a lady, but I didn't call her "sweetheart" or "baby" because she probably gets enough of that shit without me piling on. I also didn't use any terms of endearment with the Coffee Bean staff, because I'm a regular and don't want to end up on an "Only Serve Him Decaf" list. When I got home I phoned my brother and in the middle of our conversation called him "babycakes" but he knows I'm crazy so he just let it slide.

Wanting to use inappropriate, unsolicited terms of endearment with out being maced, punched, or blacklisted proved quite the dilemma, until I got the idea to write my congressman, Representative John C. Porter, R-NV.

Dearest Congressman Porter:
Hi-ya, honey bunny. My name is Todd Smith and I'm one of your constituents. Although I voted against you twice, the first time to a man who is now serving a prison sentence, I would like your help, my buttermilk biscuit. I want to run a brothel out of my garage, and I need a big strong powerful schnookums such as yourself to make this happen. Imagine my surprise, darling John, when I learned that prostitution, while legal in Nevada, is illegal in Clark County. C'mon, hot muffin, how unfair is that? Without Clark County, which you may know contains Las Vegas and Henderson, the two largest cities in Nevada, this stain-hole of a state wouldn't have a reason to even exist. Why can't I, as a resident of the county that gives this fuck-all state its very purpose, take advantage of cash-strapped, emotionally crippled young ladies and desperate, lonely men and become a sexual scavenger? Hook me up, sugar nips, and maybe I'll vote for you next time. Maybe.
Thanks in advance, sweetheart.

Todd H. Smith

I emailed that yesterday. For the record, I wouldn't really open a brothel in my garage. A strip club, sure; but not a brothel. I just wanted to shock and offend my congressman. When I'm in prison, promise to write.


Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

When we have drinks I'm gonna make you call me hot muffin. Hopefully you won't be in prison before August.

Blogger JJ said...

That's a great post, my little flower garden.

I read that entire post to my mom. She wants to know if you're single.

Blogger Rachel said...

LMAO, honey bunny huh?


(I am so guilty of this hon) ;)

Blogger Princess Steph said...

dude. you are the best.

I call a big manly guy friend of mine Sweet Pea because I overheard a male bartender call him that once. It shall now be your name as well.


Blogger Blonde said...

I use terms of endearment all of the time because I am horrible at remembering names. Us chicks can get away with it though...guys think it is cute.

I will pass on calling anyone sugar nips like you did though ;).

I call all of my men "handsome" or "baby" so I don't accidently call them the wrong real name.

Blogger MoDigli said...

hey, some old guy wearing a strange protective vest that looked like a helmut for his chest called me "Missy" the other day!

"good morning, Missy!"

ha! I had to laugh. I figured it was better than being called "Ma'am"

Blogger Brookelina said...

I used to waitress, and anytime some guy call me sweetheart or dollface I would reply with an endearment of my own. I loved the looks on their faces when I would say "No problem, swee'pea", or "My pleasure, cupcake."

Blogger Crystal said...

My German friend use to call me "Zucker Schnute" which means Sugar Mouth ;-), but I don't think I'm spelling that right because my German is kinda rusty. I call my hubby "SweetBee", but only when I need him to do something for me, like reach on the high shelf to fetch down something I need. At 5'2 I guess I could be considered vertically challenged, so I think it's cool you helped that older guy at the Target!

Blogger yournamehere said...

Hey, I got no problem with ladies calling me whatever endearing term comes to mind. It was just a bit weird for me to hear it from someone's grandfather.

Blogger katarina said...

I work with old people on a daily basis. That's what they do. Sometimes it's so sweet that I want to cry. Sometimes it's so creepy I want to cry. Either way, I cry a lot.

Don't worry, sugartoes, you'll get used to it when you get older.

If you open a strip club I'm coming. You can't stop me. So don't even try.

Blogger katarina said...

Don't forget that you were tagged.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

Hopefully you will be in jail at the same time as me - then we could be each other's jail bitches :-)

Blogger yournamehere said...

Yeah, Indie-grl, you would just trade me for a carton of smokes.

Blogger Rachel said... little sugar pie, snookums, lovey, darlin', baby cakes, honey bunny!


Blogger IndependentGrl said...

I am all yours if we are stuck in a jail cell together ;-)

Blogger yournamehere said...

That's a back-handed compliment if I've ever heard one. Not that I'm complaining; I'll take all the faint praise I can get.

Blogger n.v. said...

My female boss calls me honey and sweetie -- and I love it! I'll let her call me cunt gum if it means getting a permanent job there after December.

Cunt Gum

Blogger yournamehere said...

Oh, Dena, my dearest cunt gum.

I think I saw Cunt Gum open for Soundgarden back in '91.

Blogger A Sheltered Town said...

Sounds tasty.

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