I'm stealing ideas from Jeff Foxworthy. There's no punchline here. I'm stealing ideas from Jeff Fucking Foxworthy.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a venti, non-fat, half-caf, no whip, sugar free, light foam, add-a-shot, hazelnut latte, extra hot, topped with a wisp of cinnamon, you might be a douchebag.
If your SUV has a bumper sticker which reads "I Have Guns and I Vote", you might be a douchebag.
If you refuse to get a debit card and continue to delay lines at every store by writing a check for seventy-two cents, you might be a douchebag.
If you have a personalized license plate that only you and one other person on earth get, you might be a douchebag.
If you speak in tongues and believe in faith healing but think gays are strange, you might be a douchebag.
If you've ever snapped your finger at a waiter, you might be a douchebag.
If you're a fat guy who's worn a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt, you might be a douchebag.
If you ask an entry-level retail employee if you can get a discount on non-sale merchandise, you might be a douchebag.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you might be a douchebag.
If you have ever, sans irony, addressed a stranger as "Ace", "Chief", "Boss", "Champ", "Hot Rod", or "Judge", you might be a douchebag.
If you drive a 2001 Honda Civic with a 1977 Ford Crown Victoria motor, you might be a Fast and Furious douchebag.
If you're a white teenager who lives in your parent's million dollar home and you dress like Lil' Jon, you might be a crunk douchebag.
If your refrigerator is covered with Family Circus comics you clipped from the newspaper, you might be the ultimate douchebag.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a venti, non-fat, half-caf, no whip, sugar free, light foam, add-a-shot, hazelnut latte, extra hot, topped with a wisp of cinnamon, you might be a douchebag.
If your SUV has a bumper sticker which reads "I Have Guns and I Vote", you might be a douchebag.
If you refuse to get a debit card and continue to delay lines at every store by writing a check for seventy-two cents, you might be a douchebag.
If you have a personalized license plate that only you and one other person on earth get, you might be a douchebag.
If you speak in tongues and believe in faith healing but think gays are strange, you might be a douchebag.
If you've ever snapped your finger at a waiter, you might be a douchebag.
If you're a fat guy who's worn a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt, you might be a douchebag.
If you ask an entry-level retail employee if you can get a discount on non-sale merchandise, you might be a douchebag.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you might be a douchebag.
If you have ever, sans irony, addressed a stranger as "Ace", "Chief", "Boss", "Champ", "Hot Rod", or "Judge", you might be a douchebag.
If you drive a 2001 Honda Civic with a 1977 Ford Crown Victoria motor, you might be a Fast and Furious douchebag.
If you're a white teenager who lives in your parent's million dollar home and you dress like Lil' Jon, you might be a crunk douchebag.
If your refrigerator is covered with Family Circus comics you clipped from the newspaper, you might be the ultimate douchebag.
11 Comments:
If you attempt to carry on conversations with your neighbors while watering your lawn wearing only boxer shorts, you might be a douchebag. Or a perv.
I am a venti skim latte, no whip, extra shot of Espresso, 2 Splenda with cinnamon...4 a day.
Since I am a regular and there 4 times a day they start my drink as soon as they see me so it is ready by the time I pay (with cash).
Am I still a douchebag?
I'm a douchebag.
Fellow bloggers, the title is "You MIGHT be a douchebag if...."
The word "might" is key. These are douchebag indicators. Mother Theresa probably didn't have a debit card. Far be it from me to call her a douchebag.
Blonde, you seem to go out of your way to ensure no one is inconvenienced by your order. Not a douchebag.
Os, no one who came up with HNT can be a douchebag, even if he does everything I mentioned.
Evil, great list. Thanks for the contribution.
To all others who may think I'm calling them a douchebag: It is best to take all comments from a blog that has "ASS" in the title with a grain of salt. Thank you for your attention.
Hey, I carry on conversations with my neighbors while watering the lawn wearing only boxer shorts....
damn, I'm a douchebag *sigh*
oh wait, maybe I'm just a perv, cool!
Kat--it's the license plate thing. Sort of a pseudo-Latin/music thing. I've had it for almost 20 years, and only 2 people have figured it out on their own--both involved in music & medicine.
Todd--I appreciate the exemption!
Os, I was talking about some sorority bullshit license plate that only two people who were in Destin, Florida for Spring Break 2002 understand. Yours is actually intellectual. So, you don't even need my exemption.
Ruben, are you really a white teenager who dresses like Lil' Jon? I knew it!
I hate douchebags - I'll be sure to steer clear of these types of people, you know, just in case.
Hey, Champ, this blog is so da bomb, yo. Me and my upscale condo posse think you smoke, Judge.
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