Saturday, July 23, 2005
You might be a douchebag if...
I'm stealing ideas from Jeff Foxworthy. There's no punchline here. I'm stealing ideas from Jeff Fucking Foxworthy.

If you walk into a Starbucks and order a venti, non-fat, half-caf, no whip, sugar free, light foam, add-a-shot, hazelnut latte, extra hot, topped with a wisp of cinnamon, you might be a douchebag.

If your SUV has a bumper sticker which reads "I Have Guns and I Vote", you might be a douchebag.

If you refuse to get a debit card and continue to delay lines at every store by writing a check for seventy-two cents, you might be a douchebag.

If you have a personalized license plate that only you and one other person on earth get, you might be a douchebag.

If you speak in tongues and believe in faith healing but think gays are strange, you might be a douchebag.

If you've ever snapped your finger at a waiter, you might be a douchebag.

If you're a fat guy who's worn a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt, you might be a douchebag.

If you ask an entry-level retail employee if you can get a discount on non-sale merchandise, you might be a douchebag.

If you have a tattoo on your face, you might be a douchebag.

If you have ever, sans irony, addressed a stranger as "Ace", "Chief", "Boss", "Champ", "Hot Rod", or "Judge", you might be a douchebag.

If you drive a 2001 Honda Civic with a 1977 Ford Crown Victoria motor, you might be a Fast and Furious douchebag.

If you're a white teenager who lives in your parent's million dollar home and you dress like Lil' Jon, you might be a crunk douchebag.

If your refrigerator is covered with Family Circus comics you clipped from the newspaper, you might be the ultimate douchebag.


Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

If you attempt to carry on conversations with your neighbors while watering your lawn wearing only boxer shorts, you might be a douchebag. Or a perv.

Blogger katarina said...

Whew!(she wipes her forehead) I was holding my breath. But none of those are me! YAY!

Blogger Blonde said...

I am a venti skim latte, no whip, extra shot of Espresso, 2 Splenda with cinnamon...4 a day.

Since I am a regular and there 4 times a day they start my drink as soon as they see me so it is ready by the time I pay (with cash).

Am I still a douchebag?

Blogger Osbasso said...

I'm a douchebag.

Blogger Brookelina said...

If you drive your car while talking on your cell phone and eating fast food - you are definitely a douchebag.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

If your wheels are worth more than your car you might be a douche bag.

If you take up two parking spots and your car is made in America you might be a douche bag.

If you have an annoying fart cannon muffler on your car and a stock motor you might be a douche bag.

If you shorts are short enough for Richard Simmons to criticize you might be a douche bag.

If you hit on every girl at the bar and still go home alone you definitely are a douche bag.

...just my .02 cents.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Fellow bloggers, the title is "You MIGHT be a douchebag if...."

The word "might" is key. These are douchebag indicators. Mother Theresa probably didn't have a debit card. Far be it from me to call her a douchebag.

Blonde, you seem to go out of your way to ensure no one is inconvenienced by your order. Not a douchebag.

Os, no one who came up with HNT can be a douchebag, even if he does everything I mentioned.

Evil, great list. Thanks for the contribution.

To all others who may think I'm calling them a douchebag: It is best to take all comments from a blog that has "ASS" in the title with a grain of salt. Thank you for your attention.

Blogger katarina said...

Os, please elaborate.

Blogger Johnny Menace said...

Are you calling Mike Tyson a douchebag? I refuse to hear such blasphemy

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

You might be a douchebag (or a complete idiot) if your rims cost more than your car.

Blogger katarina said...

I saw an chevy lumina mini van the other day with rotating rims. I almost peed in my pants laughing.

Blogger Rachel said...

Hey, I carry on conversations with my neighbors while watering the lawn wearing only boxer shorts....

damn, I'm a douchebag *sigh*

oh wait, maybe I'm just a perv, cool!

Blogger Ruben said...

Good post. I think I might be a douchebag, because I'm guilty of at least 2 of those on your list.

Blogger Osbasso said...

Kat--it's the license plate thing. Sort of a pseudo-Latin/music thing. I've had it for almost 20 years, and only 2 people have figured it out on their own--both involved in music & medicine.

Blogger Osbasso said...

Todd--I appreciate the exemption!

Blogger yournamehere said...

Os, I was talking about some sorority bullshit license plate that only two people who were in Destin, Florida for Spring Break 2002 understand. Yours is actually intellectual. So, you don't even need my exemption.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Ruben, are you really a white teenager who dresses like Lil' Jon? I knew it!

Blogger Busty Wilde said...

I hate douchebags - I'll be sure to steer clear of these types of people, you know, just in case.

I always liked the little old ladies who took ten minutes to write a check for 76 cents in the grocery store line. They were usually much nicer than all the squirming people behind them.

And I liked the old guy who came in just for a small bottle of milk and two bananas. He said to me, "The doctor told me not to buy GREEN bananas! heh, heh, heh!" I think he meant, because he wasn't supposed to live long enough to see them ripen.

Blogger JJ said...

Hey, Champ, this blog is so da bomb, yo. Me and my upscale condo posse think you smoke, Judge.

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