Inside the Blogger's Studio

I asked the lovely and talented Andi to interview me. I will answer the questions shortly, but first, I am contractually obligated to explain the rules to this inquisitive round-robin.

Here are the instructions:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "Interview me." "Blow me" or "Eat me" are not acceptable substitutes.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different. I'll post the questions in the comments section of this post.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Andi's Five Questions

1. You are fit to be a comedian, so if you were, what would be your signature bit? I would smash Gallagher's head with a sledgehammer, covering the front row of the audience with his brains and tiny shards of skull. Then I'd do twenty minutes on airline food.

2. Have you ever worn a thong? If not, what occasion might be enough to convince you to do so? I have not "smuggled ping pong equipment". Nothing short of the one-hundred percent assured destruction of earth would make me wear the ol' butt-floss banana hammock, and the only reason I'd do it then is to make people long for death so the vision would go away.

3. What is the stupidest thing you did before the age of eighteen? I decided in eleventh grade that homework was a waste of my time and I refused to do any. I reasoned that I already gave them eight hours a day so why should I do a bunch of busy work from the comforts of my home? I refused to budge, and my "integrity" almost flunked me out of high school. Oh, and I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

4. What is the perfect woman like? Explain in detail. The perfect woman would first be intelligent, then possess a fierce and nuanced sense of humor. She would enjoy the taste of a good bourbon and realize pizza is the one perfect food. She would allow me to have my own outside interests; but if I ever allowed those interests to overshadow our relationship and/or didn't give her enough room to pursue interests of her own, she would have the self esteem necessary to call me on my bullshit. She would appreciate Family Guy and loathe Family Circus. She would be kind to strangers and wary of sycophants. She would be liberal without being a damn dirty hippie. Her motto would be "Don't start none, won't be none." Her favorite song would be "Here's Where the Story Ends" by the Sundays. She'd agree to the "Four Strip Club Visits a Year" compromise. She'd think my bad habits were "charming". She'd put my fat ass on a diet, not because she's concerned about my looks but because she doesn't want me to die young.
That's the perfect woman. In reality, someone with a few of those qualities will do nicely.

5. If you were musically inclined and decided to start a band, what would you name it? Discuss. My dream band, which I've often threatened to unleash upon an unsuspecting earth, would be named Honkey Lips, because I think it's funny. Our debut would be entitled "Your Vein or Mine?"

Thanks for the questions, Andi. If anyone wants to be interviewed, let me know.