Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Things I Learned at the Mall
I went to the mall on Saturday. The mall's in Henderson and it's called the Galleria at Sunset. I like to call it the Gonorrhea at Sunset. These things were made clear to me:

I hate teenagers. I know I'm getting old, because teenagers bug the Lord of Heaven and Earth out of me. I can't stand their little cliques and pecking orders. There's always one Queen Bee who thinks she's so fucking special and you just know in three years she'll be knocked up by a drama teacher at the community college. There's also an alpha male, barking orders at his gutless flunkies and picking on the outcasts. In five years he'll be the deadbeat dad of two and in prison for flagrant non-support. Call me petty, but I hope his cellmate ass-rapes him.

Hooray! I'm not the biggest piece of shit imaginable. The food court at this mall contains a Hot Dog on a Stick, a franchise that hires attractive young girls, dresses them like avant garde circus clowns, and forces them to make lemonade in a way that causes their boobs to jiggle. A lot of guys, many of them my age or older, sit at the food court and stare at the bouncing breasts of the teenage girls. I purposely sit facing the opposite direction so as not to be tempted. I'm no saint - I'd look if I sat in front of them - but I won't allow myself to be that sleazy.

A lot of people bought breast implants for their daughters when what they needed was contraceptives. This one pretty much explains itself. If you want to be a grandparent early in life, buy your little girl a pair of saline scum magnets for her fifteenth birthday.

I am not shaped like most shirts. Every shirt I saw tapered to a "V" shape. My fat body doesn't! I'm more of an elongated "O".

There is no reason for this mall to have a music store. The music store in this mall sucks the knobby cock of weakness. It's great if you're a twelve-year-old girl who hates her parents so much she makes them spend $18.99 for a CD that sells for eleven dollars at Target. For the rest of us, not so good.

Every mall food court has a place that sells ethnic food of unknown ethnicity. It looks like Chinese food and Indian food mixed together in a slop bucket but the people cooking it appear to be of Middle Eastern descent. What the hell is it? Is there an animal in that pot that should be in a zoo? Are spices involved that would cause me to fail a drug test? Are those the same dazed looks they gave the health inspector? Looks like I'm eatin' another cheesesteak.

This is the only mall in America without a decent coffee establishment. This is a two-story mall and not one Starbucks or Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf to be found. I got a cup of coffee from Cinnabun of all places. It gave me the drips, making me drive home with my cheeks clenched together. I desecrated the posted speed limit and ran several red lights so I wouldn't
decorate my car in a motif called Modern Ass.

Old people love to write checks. I made one measly purchase and had to stand behind the lady who gave Christ his first blowjob as she wrote out a check with one of those pens that have to be periodically dipped in ink. Why does anyone still write a check at a retail store? Check cards are FREE. They don't cost anything but the natural high old people get when they rob me of my time.

Those mobile cart mini-stores need to be eliminated. No thank you, I do not want my glasses cleaned, ring appraised, scalp massaged, shoes shined, balls scratched, watch repaired, or funny-bone tickled. I do not want to buy a velour painting of a unicorn, a pair of slippers that look like mini-vans, hair and wig extensions, time share in a condo in Tehran, sunglasses with my name written on them in glitter, or anything at all related to NASCAR. If your product was that good you'd have an actual store.

Now I know why so many people shop online.


37 Comments:

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Yeah! Brilliant!

I'm still laughing at your description of "the lady who gave Christ his first blowjob." Awesome entry all the way through. And kudos for making it through the mall trip!

Blogger katarina said...

I was just talking about the teenager thing with a friend the other day. This girl, who thought she was the shit, got knocked up by some drug addict. And not just once. I don't think either of them work. Makes me look awfully good.

"motif called Modern Ass" hahahahahahahaha!!!

I have to work with these old people all day long. I can wait on 3 people before they get that damn check written. I have a stamp, but nooooo, they have to write it out themselves. Please just let me write it out for you. I beg of you.

Blogger Harper said...

holy crap! (hi, first time reader, first time commenter)
I really like what you have to say, but i regret to admit that I am a teenager still... but i know exactly what u mean, however, I am i guy, not one of those bouncy girls at the lemonade stands.

Blogger Rob Danger said...

aaaaaaaah.
I was JUST at the mall today.
I don't think it's an old thing so much as having 5 sense thing. Because I hate teenagers with the burning passion of a thousand suns going supernova. Mostly for the exact reasons you listed.

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

A very complete tableau indeed.

Blogger Heather said...

elongated "O" is HOT...can we go to the mall this weekend?

Blogger pjscout said...

Amen on the old people and checks...I'm still not understanding why everyone on the planet doesn't have a check card.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Once again, I am awed by your tolerance and understanding of your fellow man. You make me weep. Especially when you get the butt dribbles.

Don't go changin'...to try and please me....

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

hee hee....I was at the mall yesterday. Your blog entry is a PERFECT depiction of the mall yesterday and every other day. Especially about the fake ta-tas. We do have a coffee establishment though - Gloria Jeans (Starbucks ugly step-sister). It smells like they set the beans on fire. LMAO at the lady who gave christ his first blowjob comment. Great blog!

Blogger mastershake said...

lol your analogies of the world always (for the past 24hrs ive had a blog) make me laugh. and dont worry that mall will have a starbucks. because they specialize in green aperons and global domnination. would it be crazy to say ive seen a couple people playing risk in the back at the starbucks at a book store the other day?

Blogger MsAPhillips said...

"Saline scum magnets" -- i never literally LOL when reading blogs, but a fine spray of chock-full-o-nuts just made its way across the room in a mighty arc.

Blogger Ruben said...

I thoroughly enjoyed this post. LOl

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Great ... now I'm the perv for sitting near Hot Dog On A Stick. They actually don't have them here in Ohio as far as I can tell; I don't think anyone wants to see chubby girls in half shirts bouncing over a tub of lemonade.

I totally agree about the mini-carts. I hate the guy selling cheap ass corny merchandise like some glass rose that lights up.

And the teenager observations are superb. I especially like the community college comment!

Blogger n.v. said...

I made one measly purchase and had to stand behind the lady who gave Christ his first blowjob


I pulled a fucking neck muscle laughing at this one...rocking back and forth screaming while punching my own stomach!

Blogger n.v. said...

Hot. Dog. on. a. Stick.


Dear God! What's fun about eating cock on wood? Is this establishment indigenous to the US or did some cockwood loving Chink bring it over from Chinka? All we have here in Canada is Beaver Burger on Box.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I had never heard of HDOAS until I moved out west. I saw about ten minutes of the Charlie's Angels sequel on HBO and the "angels" were undercover at one. I've had their cherry lemonade. Tasty.

Blogger n.v. said...

I think I saw an episode of Fresh Prince where Ashley is working at one!!

Blogger n.v. said...

How many people have I offended today?

Blogger n.v. said...

"But honey, you love mashed turkey and peas."

"Listen here, you toad-faced frump: I love pancakes."

Blogger n.v. said...

Yo Quiero pancakes. Click click bloody click panCAKES!

Blogger yournamehere said...

Dena, I was completely offended that your work play list contained a Def Leppard song. Other than that, I know not of what you speak.

Blogger n.v. said...

But Todd! . . . when you make love, do you look in the mee-ruh! Who do you think of, does he look like me?

Blogger n.v. said...

Woooo, baaayb!

Blogger n.v. said...

I don't wanna touch you too much baybeh! Cause stroking herpes just might drive me crayzeh! waaa!

Blogger n.v. said...

I'm annoying myself.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I was at the very same Galleria last holiday season and I started singing "Hysteria" under my breath. At first I didn't know why; I hate "Hysteria". Then it occurred to me: The lady in front of me on the escalator was wearing acid-washed jeans, and they made me subconsciously think of the Leppard.

Blogger n.v. said...

I had an acid-washed bra...no shit.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Did the acid-washed bra have strategically-placed holes like the jeans did?

If not, just lie and say it did.

Blogger n.v. said...

...Yes, Todd -- they DID.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Nips Ahoy!

Blogger Egan said...

Dena, get ahold of yourself. We have a local burger joint here called Dick's. It's been around since the 50's so it's always funny to mention to visitors. "Hey, let's get some Dick's" in a nonchalant fashion and watch their eyes open perk up.

Todd, you are the Comment King these days. Word is out and you're getting glowing reviews. Nice work!

Blogger yournamehere said...

Thanks for the compliment, Egan, although half of these comments are from the r-rated Abbott and Costello routine between myself and Dena. That's fine by me, as Dena's comments are like gold.

Blogger Egan said...

I feel you man. Half of my comments are me responding to my legions of fans.

The banter between the two of you is rather comical. The two of you are quite possibly the funniest bloggers out there. Keep up the amusing work. Best thing is, you both do it without showing skin... well until today. Dena caved.

Blogger yournamehere said...

If I showed skin people would start deleting their comments.

Blogger MoDigli said...

This is classic YNH! Why do I love reading so much? Because it's so good to be so bad, and for the most part, I hate ppl, too! good point on the fake boobs, btw. The pill would be a better investment for a 15 year old than a pair of boobs!

Blogger n.v. said...

Excuse me, Egbert -- but skin or no skin, what happened on my blog is not tantamount to your limited definition of caving. Eat me.

Blogger n.v. said...

My mission is to overflow Todd's blog with comments. Why? Because he deserves them.

I'm on my way to Egan's blog right now and am ready to flood it.

Why?

It's Friday night and I'm home alone with my bleeding vagina.

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer