Wednesday, July 20, 2005
TFTW and WTF?
About a month ago I said I was going on a diet. At the time I was serious, but then I got a case of the down and outs that was almost Cobainesque in nature, so I cheered myself up by eating way too much. Well, I think I'm ready to try the diet again, thanks to all of the people who are TFTW.

TFTW stands for Too Fat To Walk, and Nevada has to be the TFTW capital of North America. Everywhere I go I see people in wheelchairs who aren't handicapped or injured; they just weigh so much that walking any great distance is impossible. I am far far far from this lowly state, but I never want to be in the same area code.

Wal-Mart is the unofficial headquarters of the TFTW. It is their school, their church, their sanctuary. Every time I'm there I see an unfortunate soul pushing their TFTW spouse around in a Wal-Mart wheelchair loaner. The person who can still move on their own grunts and struggles to move the chair, their porcine loved one literally spilling over its sides. Sometimes the TFTW'er is a real pro and has their own motorized chair. These are the masters of the TFTW lifestyle. A guy who used to shop at Organized Living was the Hugh Hefner of the Too Fat To Walk set. He was a biscuit away from four hundred pounds but this hot chick would always accompany him and reach items on the shelf that his gigantic tree trunk arms couldn't. The way she was all over him, it wasn't his daughter. One day at the store she told me, in a very casual manner, that she met "her man" at the strip club that employed her. I guess he wasn't TFTGALD (Too Fat To Get A Lap Dance). My guess is he was a rich guy and she was just waiting for his heart to explode so she could collect his final tip.

I have a lot of empathy for people who are confined to a wheelchair because of illness or injury. My grandmother suffered a stroke and couldn't walk for the last nine years of her life. But it's hard to feel sorry for these people. Sometimes when you're at Burger King you should just have one Whopper, you know? And maybe not "King Size" the value meal. Perhaps one lard sandwich at dinner instead of thirty. I'm just saying...

In other news, I went into a bathroom stall today and was shocked and horrified at what awaited me. There it was in the bowl, a turd the size of a loaf of bread. It was the biggest piece of shit not named Karl Rove I've ever seen. But what really scared me was there was no toilet paper in the bowl. None. Not one sheet. Perhaps the shit killed the person who took it before he could wipe. I'll make myself believe that so I can sleep at night.


21 Comments:

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I believe your mystery crapper made an appearance at the internal LADIES ROOM in my office last month. No toilet paper, the size of a human arm and it was bright GREEN. I gagged and ran for fear I'd be connected with it.

Blogger Kikhwa said...

Maybe it was the result of a TFTW's thirty lard sandwich dinner?

They can't reach over their sides to wipe themselves.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Absolutely hysterical - as usual.

I remember as a kid I read in MAD magazine that in the future Americans would be so fat from eating pizza and burgers that they would all go round in little electric buggies. Not often that MAD magazine is so prophetic.

Anyway, we in the UK are doing our absolute best (as America's little buddy) to be the fattest country in Europe. We just want to be like the US soooo much.

Blogger Palmer said...

Aw. Posts like this really guilt me up good. I've eaten however I wished to eat for all sixteen years of my life, and I weigh 175 currently (at a height of 6'2"). Sodas everyday and all that jazz. I strive to become a TSkTS, or Too Skinny To Stand.

Melliferous, you have guaranteed me several nightmares. Thank you very little. And thanks for the image, kikhwa.

Blogger Palmer said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger MsHellion said...

You were witness to an Immaculate Defecation. Praise be to God.

Blogger Heather said...

It's times like that when you should have a camera phone. :)

Blogger Heather said...

It's times like that when you should have a camera phone. :)

Blogger JJ said...

Now that I'm actually doing more than just "watching" my weight and having to actually "do" something about it, I get the whole Super Size Me thing. Once you start counting grams of fat intake, you understand that our meals aren't just fatty, they're huge.

When I was in high school, I'd go to Micky D's and get a cheeseburger and order of fries. Who does that anymore? No one. You go get a Super Mac and Giganto Fries.

And the really weird part? Now that I'm eating the recommended 65 grams of fat a day? I feel like I'm STARVING all the time.

Maybe I'll just get one of those motorized wheelchairs and forget the whole thing. Yeah, I'll drive it out to Vegas and we can drag race down the strip.

Blogger EEK! said...

In my neighborhood, the scootees always have someone riding shotgun on the back.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

As Homer Simpson said about his weight.... I'm drought and famine resistant!

Blogger MoDigli said...

Where do you come up with this, YNH? As usual, LMAO at your silliness.

It's true that Walmart is the TFTW temple. What's up with that?
THe next time you (or anybody) craves a big mac, then a quick visit to walmart should cure that craving.

On a more serious note - You probably hate him, but his weight loss books is FANTASTIC!!! Check out Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Solution.

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, how about the heavier kids that ride in shopping carts at places like Costco, Wal-Mart, or Super Target? It's tragic to see the parents rewarding this lethargic behavior.

"Here, have some food sample while I push you around in the cart."

Great role models I tell you.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

Funny as hell. I will only darken the doors of a WalMart if it is post 3am. Then there are less screaming children and your TFTWs, yet somehow there are still the hour long lines.

Blogger Ruben said...

Don't feel bad. You will get in shape when you are ready. I tired all the fad diets and all the exercise equipment. My God I used to eat vanilla ice cream with slim fast pured over it while on a tread mill. I used to do Tae Bo with miniture snicker bars in my pockets.

Blogger katarina said...

I always want to jump on the back of one of those wheelchairs at Wal-Mart and just yell, "To the electronics department, Jeeves!"

MsHellion, Immaculate Defecation?
This made me giggle.

Blogger Brookelina said...

You crack me up, as always.

And you make me smile, cause you are so sweet. I promise not to tell anyone. smooches :)

Blogger Rachel said...

"It was the biggest piece of shit not named Karl Rove I've ever seen."


I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love you man! I'm still laughing.

Let's get married. No wait, scratch that, let's just live together in Sin City.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

HAHA! I see these people too. They always tend to have cracking feet..skin so rough and peeling. Eww.

Blogger Dr. Chingasa said...
Blogger n.v. said...

Sweet Toddula - we all have our struggles. And mine is greater than yours because I will never be taller, no matter how much I diet or exercise.

I've cut out modified carbs and am feeling high...but I'm still not skinny. I've made peace with the fact that I never will be reed thin and have learned to love my firm curves. Woot woot!

If you want to diet for the sake of your (future) health, more power to you. But if it's, at your age, still about looks, then I'd urge you to re-evaluate.

(Wow, look at Kikhwa's yammers right here beside the 'leave your comment window.' Stell, those are HUGE.)

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