Monday, July 18, 2005
Reality Shows I'd Watch
I don't watch Reality Shows as a rule, but I have a few ideas I'd like to see on television.

Pauly Shore: Rejected
I'd watch a Pauly Shore reality show, but not the one on TV now, not the one where the spoiled man-cunt gets the family business handed to him on a silver platter. I'd watch a program that shows a thirty-minute montage of Pauly Shore being rejected by women with more than one functioning brain cell who won't sleep with a complete jackscrote just because he was on M-TV fifteen years ago. Please, Lords of TV, just let me see clip after clip of women with self-esteem telling the least talented human on the planet, one Pauly Shore, to eat baby shit from a dirty ashtray. Maybe a few of the girls, when he persists with his tragicomic attempt at seduction, will kick him savagely in the groin. That I'd watch.

Pimp My Crack House
Crackheads are just like those addicted to lattes, except no one ever sucked a stranger's dick for a latte. Anyway, these people deserve nicer homes and if M-TV sent a crew of street-wise interior designers to upgrade crack houses, I'd watch every week. Naturally, as soon as the cameras are off the crackhead will pawn the contents of the dream home so he can buy more crack, but it would be interesting television.

Whore it Like a Hilton
Selected ladies see if they can keep up, man for man, with the random, drunken, regrettable sexual encounters of Paris Hilton. The last contestant to show an ounce of restraint or self-respect wins a tiny, annoying yappie dog and a free uterus restoration.

So You Wanna Be a Gangsta?
Every week the producers of this show kidnap a white suburban faux-thug and place his awkward-slang-throwin', sideways-hat-wearin' ass right in the middle of an actual urban ghetto; so he can "keep it real" somewhere besides the mall and Starbucks. If he survives for twenty-four hours he receives....What difference does it make? None of the punk-ass bitches will last twenty minutes.

Revenge on Enron
Former Enron employees robbed of their life's savings compete in athletic and mental challenges for the chance to confront the man who ruined their futures. The winner gets to brutally beat and torture a bound and ball-gagged Kenneth Lay, former Enron CEO. Then the lucky contestant gets to shoot Lay's face off with a shotgun. Fun for the entire family!

B.O. Joe
A swimsuit model has to choose from thirty handsome, eligible bachelors, but there's one catch: They all stink! Each of them smells like rodent snatch and burnt hair. The swimsuit model must repress her gag reflex and chose one malodorous male to accompany her on a dream vacation to Paris, where everyone smells so it won't matter anymore.

Extreme Makeover: Ugly Edition
The participants in this show are all perfectly fine looking but extremely vain men and women who obsess over their every minor flaw. They are offered free plastic surgery, unaware that the surgery will turn them into hideously disfigured freaks solely for the amusement of the North American viewing public. Watch with glee as a good looking man who thinks his chin isn't "strong" enough is transformed into a creature that makes the Elephant Man look like Brad Pitt. Gather with friends and family as a beautiful woman with an almost undetectable bump on her nose becomes a monster whose only options are suicide or employment with a traveling carnival.

Jessica Alba: Barely Clothed
The title explains the show. It's just thirty minutes a week of Jessica walking around in various stages of glorious semi-clothetude. I'm the executive producer, and if Os lets us use the term "half-nekkid" I'll give him the title of creative consultant. Also, I'll let Evil Petting Zoo work on the show, just because I'm a nice guy.


Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

"Pimp My Crack House" sounds suspiciously like the Redman episode of Mtv Cribs...the dollah' box and his weird cousin passed out in the middle of the floor.

I'm no fancy pants html girl, but it's worth checking out:
Click on "Cribs: Redman"

Blogger Sasha said...

I'd very much enjoy "so, you wanna be a gangsta"?
I love your thoughts and the way you put things into words. It's awesome dude. Although I hate it when ppl categorize what types of blogs there are like you did in the previous post. It makes me and my blog feel kinda silly. I mean of course, there are some ridiculous ones out there, but most are just like little diaries ppl go to write about their feelings on every day life, maybe not as intellectual and funny as you put it into words, but you get the point.
Stay chill :)

Blogger Osbasso said...

Any way I can get a cut of the profits, too?

Blogger katarina said...

I know I'm committing suicide here, but I think that new Pauly Shore show looks pretty funny.
I also think he's pretty sexy. Not because he was on Mtv forever ago.
Fire at will!
You have to let Ago-Go in on that Jessica Alba show. You could make her the camerawoman. You'd get a lot of close-ups.

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

Inspired as always. Many of these shows would make great alternative programming for those of us who believe mainstream television should be outlawed.

One minor concern: You might want to check that "B.O. Joe" isn't already in development by Howard Stern.

Blogger Rachel said...

I love you, man!

Blogger Brookelina said...

Can the Hilton sisters go on Extreme Makeover? Cause that would be really fun to watch.

Blogger Princess Steph said...



I love it.

Blogger JJ said...

A friend of mine was a standup back when PS was still touring and they were both working a club -- I think it was in San Antonio - where it was customary for the name act to write something on the wall of the dressing room as he went out for the last time. PS wrote "see you at the bottom, losers".

The beauty of this is two-fold: one, PS calling someone else a loser and two, he inadvertantly but correctly predicted he would end up at the bottom.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Oh if there is a God in heaven .. please let "So You Wanna Be A Gangsta" become a real TV show. I'd love to see the suburban kids who try to act like inner-city thugs have to deal with problems other than too much whip cream on their frappuchinos or I'd love to see them try to elicit sympathy because he had to drive the Honda to school, not the Lexus.

Blogger ago-go said...

thanks kat! i knew you would come through for me. the boys were trying to keep jess all to themselves.

could the Hilton show include a segment where we watch Paris become an ugly, leather-faced, used-up ho-bag? oh right, she already is....but could they show it in slow motion?

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

YES!!! I'd be the key grip. It would be key for me to grip various parts of her anatomy.

Blogger katarina said...

Ago, Slow motion and over and over again. Ha! I would watch that one.

Blogger MoDigli said...

As usual, pure hilarity! I laughed my butt off.

I think Kevin Federline Spears should be the first contestant on "So you wanna be a gangsta"

BO Joe ~ Hilarious! And the perfect dream destination for that one! LOL.
BTW, I ran in to some EXCELLENT contestants today at the gym! Why don't ppl load up on the deoderant before heading to the gym???

Blogger Blonde said...

I am actually looking forward to the new Mtv show called "Trailer Fabulous". Gotta love redneck makeovers!

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