Thursday, August 04, 2005
I Spleen Alanis Morissette
I posted a comment on my lovely and talented friend Dena's blog about how much I loathe Alanis Morissette, but I feel the need to discuss my hatred of this wretched "singer" at length.

The story of Alanis Morissette begins when she recorded two shitty teen pop albums that were only released in two places: Canada and the lowest level of Hell. Atilla the Hun is reportedly a huge fan.
Years later, her "debut" CD is released in the United States, the earlier musical miscarriages conveniently forgotten. This is standard music business operations, and it wouldn't have bothered me had Jagged Little Pill not simultaneously sucked the cocks of every male who ever lived in the history of Earth. Yes, it sucked that much. Speaking of sucking, Alanis bragged about swallowing some guy's fleshsword in a theater on her first single. At the risk of sounding Republican, I think she's one of the reasons I couldn't go to a movie in the mid-to-late nineties without being sickened by the sound of a thirteen-year-old girl in the next row getting her throat-cherry busted.

Then she has the huge, hairy man-sack to compose a song entitled "Ironic" which contains not one example of irony. "Rain on your wedding day" is not ironic, it's weather. If you plan an outdoor ceremony but move it indoors because the forecast calls for rain, then it doesn't rain but the sprinkler system in the banquet hall goes off, soaking everyone....that's ironic. It doesn't bother me that she's stupid; it bothers me that she's pseudo-intellectual. And it bothers me that it doesn't bother anyone else. The song launches her into superstardom. The CD was bought by people who don't really like music; the ones who buy two CD's a year, the same taste-bereft jag-offs who loved Hootie and the Blowfish so fucking much. Music lovers bought it as well, don't get me wrong, but for a CD to sell like Jagged Little Pill did, it has to be embraced by the unwashed.

Alanis is marginally successful now, even resorting to rerecording her greatest triumph acoustically and whoring it at Starbucks, but I still despise her like I did when she dominated the charts. This is not a sexist rant, by the way. I am in love with the female voice and I'd say sixty percent or more of my CD's feature female vocals. I just didn't buy the empowered-by-being-a-cocksucker half-wit musical pussy farts Alanis sold so well.

As for the title of the post, since to "Heart" something is to love it, to "Spleen" something would be to hate it.


24 Comments:

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

"Speaking of sucking, Alanis bragged about swallowing some guy's fleshsword in a theater on her first single."

I heard that song is about Dave Coullier, Uncle Joey from the tv show "Full House." Now that's ironic.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Jesus, I hate her more now. I didn't think it was possible.

"Oh, give it to me, Uncle Joey."

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

Need a cigarette? :)

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

Ever notice that Alanis resembles actor Tom Hulce in a fright wig? I spleen her too, and yes: she does not know the meaning of the word "ironic," the dumb twat.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

I don't think many people know that she started out as a pop/RnB singer. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?

Blogger Kristine said...

Dave: "Hey Alanis, Cut...It....Out."

Blogger Crystal said...

Can you believe "Jagged Little Pill" was released 10 years ago?! Makes me feel OLD--seems like only yesterday it was freshman year at college with tunes from Alanis floating down the dorm hallways and all the girls running out to get that "Rachel" haircut.

Blogger MsHellion said...

Old people fucking are more acoustically sound than Alanis Morrisette.

Blogger AMS said...

oh jesus - the images

Blogger Blonde said...

I loved Jagged Little Pill. It reminds me of a very fun time in my life.

I would go down on you in a theater, YNH ;)

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Ugh .... I'm with you on this one. I remember her being on "You Can't Do That On Television" first. Happily, I've never heard the pop albums. And then to write a song about going down on Dave Coullier ... how lame is that? Nothing anyone can say will make that cool.

Blogger livinlife said...

Man I gotta say I laughed my ass off reading this. I want you to know that my employer just lost a good three hours of productivity due to you! Its OK though, I was entertained and that's what matters!!

Blogger katarina said...

That Dave Coullier thing was a nasty rumor. Never happened, my friends.
I love Alanis. Like the blonde, it also reminds me of fun times in my life. I used to listen to that religiously and I do like music and used to buy a lot of it back then (when I could afford it).
She had a lot to say. Maybe you just need a female perspective to appreciate it.

Blogger Crystal said...

Ok, I gotta say...I absolutely LOVED that song off the City of Angels soundtrack, Uninvited. Other than that, I have no feelings one way or another about her.

Oh, and I'd fuck the legs off that husband of hers. Damn.

Go back to whatever you were doing before I shoved my completely unrelated comment down your gullets.

Blogger Kris said...

You had me at Uncle Joey in a comprimising position . . . wait . . . TMI. TMI.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Ironic has always annoyed me. If you don't know what a word means, don't use it! And better yet, don't sing about it and make an entire generation think that the definition of irony is that shitty things happen. That's not irony!

Blogger MoDigli said...

I spleen Alanis, too. And I spleen Hootie and the Blowfish even MORE!!! And a few others my spleen can't get enough of:

Dave Matthews Band (what's up with a soulful, mulitcultural band that needs some WHITE GUY to lead it up? I hate him.)

Nelly Furtado. I heard some song of hers the other day about a being a bird who flies away, and I thought she sounded like an American Idol reject.

Oh yea, All those American Idols. My spleen can't get enough of those yahoos, either!

Blogger yournamehere said...

I once said through live performances from Hootie and Dave Matthews at Farm Aid '95. My spleen nearly burst! But it was worth it to see Willie Nelson and Neil Young.

I thought I'd get more shit about this than I did. I only had a few dissenters and one of them said she'd blow me at the movies. That's how we need to solve our differences, people.

Blogger Kalani said...

That you actually have more to say on this topic is frightening.

Blogger MoDigli said...

Dude!.... You were at Farm Aid '95???!!! .... Wow!
And Dave Matthews was around back then, too? Yikes!

That would have been worth it for Neil Young, though. I love that guy!

Blogger Belle said...

"Ironic" bothers me, too. I won't listen to it because of the stupidity.

Blogger n.v. said...

The story of Alanis begins on a great-horrendous show called "You Can't Do That on Television." She was installed as the cast's token lesbian with a mullet and misaligned jaw.

Blogger n.v. said...

Thanks for the nod, Todd. :))) You are mucho lovely and talented and hilarious and kind...and remember:
I am your #1 fan.

Blogger ago-go said...

ha! that's all i have to say. and nothing can beat the bad-ness that is "Too Hot".

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