Thursday, July 28, 2005
Mrs. Moser and the Sex-ed Class
I've told an abbreviated version of this true story in the comments section of a few blogs, but I'd like to expand on it here.

When I was in sixth grade, Mrs. Moser's class was "taught" sex education in two hours; two horrible, frightening hours. Mrs. Moser, our teacher, was about a week away from the century mark and had shrunk three full inches from September till May. She was a tiny, mean-spirited gnome who may have dated Hitler back in the old country. Someone told me they saw her at the grocery store smoking a corn-cob pipe, but I don't know if that was true. What I do know is absolute fact is the bitch was crazy, and not excentric crazy but straightjacket voices in her head crazy.

Once she told us if we were quiet the rest of the day we'd get to eat lunch at McDonald's on the following Friday. When you're a kid, there is nothing better than eating McDonald's on school time. All we had to do was keep our mouths shut for another hour, and kid nirvana was ours. The dream ended when Mrs. Moser feigned having a heart attack. She clutched at her chest and fell to the ground. When we all started screaming and leaping from our seats to help her, she jumped up and said we'd broken our promise and weren't going to McDonald's. That's right, she pretended to drop dead and when we expressed concern, not for a second believing an adult role model would lie about such a thing, we were screamed at and punished. That Friday I sat in the cafeteria eating fish sticks, each disappointing bite a bitter reminder of Mrs. Moser's all-encompassing insanity.

Against the backdrop of being cripplingly afraid of a midget on the cusp of death, listening to a boring sex education lecture didn't sound so bad. I have never been more wrong in my life. The first thing they did was separate the girls from the boys. The girls went to the auditorium, ostensibly to see a filmstrip, but I was convinced they went off to have a top secret tickle and pillow fight while stripped down to their bras and panties. The boys were sent to a large room and introduced to a doctor, who happened to be our principal's physician. The principal introduced him, made a lame joke about not wanting to "cramp our style" and left the room.

The doctor stood up. The first words out of his mouth were, "So, who here has seen an actual pussy?"
The liars and sister-gazers raised their hands while I had to sell my soul to the devil not to shit my pants.
"The pussy," the shock doc continued, "is where you put your dick when you're fucking a girl."

Right now my five regular readers, who know I'm a foul-mouthed prankster, are convinced I'm making this up, but I'm not. It happened.

I sat there for two hours in absolute shock as "dick", "tits", "cocksucker", "fuck" and a few words that were pretty offensive steamrolled out of the doctor's mouth. I had heard adults talk like that before, but they were mostly unwashed carny folk and slack-jawed hill people. This was an educated man.

I didn't live my childhood in seclusion; I knew these words. I needed the clinical terms. Those I didn't know. Too bad this medical professional was less interested in teaching than appearing cool in front of a bunch of kids.

The next day, when Mrs. Moser ripped the textbook from my hands, tossed it across the room, and then made me go get it, I just smiled. At least the word "cunt" didn't come from her mouth.


21 Comments:

Blogger .veronica. said...

i just stumbled upon your blog and it made my night :)

Blogger Thalia said...

hahahaha!!! Mrs. Moser sounds like a psycopath.

Blogger Rachel said...

How in the world did you know that our sex education lessons included half-nekkid pillow fights?

Blogger katarina said...

"but I was convinced they went off to have a top secret tickle and pillow fight while stripped down to their bras and panties"

I just had one of those classes last week. Is that not normal?

Todd, will you put your ding dong in my hoo hoo?

Blogger AMS said...

ha thats hillarious. We were shown a video of two raindrops flowing down the window and joining together by a nun...didn't do much to enlighten me.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Is Mrs. Moser still alive? You and your friends should invite her out with you when you go home! Do you think she smokes her corncob pipe when she parties?

Blogger Polly Prissy-Pants said...

Whoa! Crazy.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

holy shit.

Blogger MsHellion said...

So, did he talk about the "taint"? =)

Blogger Crystal said...

I'm linking you. Hope you don't mind, seeing as how I didn't buy you dinner or make up some shit about "just cuddling" or anything.

Blogger MoDigli said...

Holy CRAP!!!! That was cRaZy!

But all too true that wack stuff that happens in schools. Can I tell you, although that was extreme in its bizareness, that kind of crap still happens today.

the only good thing is that I'm sure Mrs. Moser is dead today! So, go ahead and treat yourself to a bigmac, YNH. You deserve it! :)

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

At least he was honest enough to use the terminology "you kids" would understand ... I had a priest explain the birds and bees to us; he went through a pack of Camel Unfiltereds in under an hour

Blogger Brookelina said...

Where did you go to school? The trailer park in hell?

Blogger MoDigli said...

ok - on a more serious note:

actually, I think it was demeaning that this "Doctor" thought he was doing you a "service" by using that crass language. ...

What did it mean? why would he do that? ... It sounds like he thought "you people" could never understand it in an intelligent way, with proper terminology. It shows his bigotry or ignorance, I think.

Alot of teachers in my (inner city) school district often will say "these kids will just never get it. You have to dumb it down for them. they're just not capable." ...

It's a total COP OUT! They fail as teachers, so they blame it on the kids. And I think the doctor fell into that role. ...

eeeeewwwwwwwie!
How did you survive such a twilight zone school, YNH?!!!

Blogger yournamehere said...

I only went to that school for one year, then it was off to a middle school that was even worse.

If Mrs. Moser isn't dead, someone call the world's record people.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

Too funny! I think I would have turned beet red if I was lectured about pussies and cocks as a child who was rather shy at that age. The lingerie pillow fights actually came much later for me and my friends.

Blogger Blonde said...

my sex ed teacher was a full blown bull dyke. I didn't learn a thing because I passed out in the class the very first day becuase they showed a movie of child birth. I am still scarred.

I love the word cocksucker and use it whenever possible.

Blogger MsAPhillips said...

www.dover.k12.pa.us/3598_6091616161/lib/ 3598_6091616161/newsletters/September%202004%20Newsletter.pdf

Apparently, over at Dover Elementary, Mrs. Moser just got a new assistant, Jennifer Bubb, who also has a new associate named Traci Dickensheets. Maybe we could warn them or the children... Or at least start passing out corncob pipes...

Blogger JJ said...

a. You're making it up.

b. If a. is not true, what were you doing hanging around unwashed carnies and slackjawed hillbillies at such a young age?

c. Are you circus folk?

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

I recall scoring 110% (extra credit for knowing the vas deferens/epididymis connection) on the final in high school sex education class, which utterly shocked the dirtbag assemblage.

The class was taught by our male gym teacher, a muscle-bound dwarf who delighted in making smartass students (of which I was one) "hit the dech and give [him] twenty" (pushups).

Blogger Heather said...

I'm jealous. We had to see a "filmstrip" hosted by the girl who played Annie in the movie. I think I would have liked the tickle and pillow fights better.

In high school our sex ed teacher used the scratch his balls a lot. Don't know what that was about.

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