Friday, August 12, 2005
Random Thoughts: Third Times a Charm
I would do a weekly installment of "random thoughts" but I'm afraid I'd lose Brooke as a reader, and I'm not prepared for that. Hell, I might lose her anyway after these, but I hope not.

If I could go back in time and ask one question of one historical figure, I'd ask Jackie Kennedy how to keep brain from staining a jacket.

Is there a patron saint of joyless masturbation?

I've been mad at my mom ever since she kept nagging me to write a thank you note to the stranger who donated a kidney so I might live. Yeah, first the note, then all of a sudden the pushy bastard expects a phone call.

Memorial Day Parade, Louisville, KY, May 28, 1997 Four dead, and I can never become a Shriner.

You know what I've done that Lindsay Lohan has never done? Supersized a combo meal.

I visited the White House in 1993, but I lost a bet and had to wear a dress. I left after President Clinton asked if I was pre-op or post-op.

In retrospect, Osama Bin Hitler's Twatarama was a bad name for a strip club.

Anyone can fake an orgasm, but try to fake not having one.

I'm a funny, interesting, attractive person, according to the stripper I bought a thousand dollars worth of lap dances from.

I can't believe the Christopher Reeves paperweight wasn't a bigger seller.

I'm not saying Ben Affleck's a has-been, but he guest-hosted my blog last week and got zero comments.

Damn, that "It Burns When I Pee" t-shirt was NOT a good anniversary present.

I wrote a novel, but apparently those snooty publishers want something that "makes sense" and "has a point" and "is written in a decipherable language". Picky fucks.


17 Comments:

So wrong. So WRONG. How can you stand living in your own head? And I mean how can you stand the funny? Do you laugh at yourself often?

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

You're so going to hell. I'll meet you there.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Andi, I laugh AT myself, but I'm working on laughing WITH myself.

Evil, you pretty much pre-destined yourself by using the name "Evil". We'll start a bowling league down there.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

My grandma gave me a baby blanket and I don't have a baby.

I'd like to have a drink with you and Evil in hell.

Blogger mastershake said...

masturbation in like procrastonation, it seems like a good idea at the time but in the end your really just fucking yourself

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

My pit in hell is lined with burgundy satin AND i'm stocking up on ceiling fans and swamp coolers.. you're invited over any time ;) Of course - you'll need to mix the drinks

Blogger Blonde said...

Hell will be fun for all of us :).

Have a fabulous weekend!

Blogger MsAPhillips said...

"Is there a patron saint of joyless masturbation?"

Lemme check my list...

There's a patron saint against bruising, against loneliness, against arm pain -- maybe that one... Against frenzy...

Patron Saint of pain in the arms, of people who are unattractive, of purplers (no kidding), of strokes, victims of apoplexy...

Doesn't seem to be one guy who er handles this area.

http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/patron00.htm

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

Purplers?! That might be the masturbation guy....

Blogger Kris said...

Seriously, how do you not post these thoughts every day? You are so mothergrubbing funny. I just need to steal some of these and post them on my blog. Wait, did I just admit to that?

Blogger Princess Steph said...

Wrong wrong wrong.

Can we get married - I'll meet you in Vegas with nothing but a smile and a Cowboys jersey...

and what the hell is joyless masturbation - mine has always been filled with glee....

Blogger Egan said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Egan said...

Joyless masturbation happens when Alanis Morrisette pops in your head over and over again.

Blogger Onyx said...

"In retrospect, Osama Bin Hitler's Twatarama was a bad name for a strip club." -- Yeah, this would have been a much better name for a schtick comedy series.

Blogger Brookelina said...

It's probably good that you didn't add the link to my name on this post, as your loyal fans would storm my blog with pitchforks and fire blaming me for the lack of Random Thoughts by YNH. I can tell you now that your sick ideas cause the same reaction in me that you have when I use the word "twat". You can't get rid of me that easily! My sensibilities are not as delicate as you think!

twat twat twat.

twat.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I'm sending the Pope your resume for canonization. Future generations will look to you as the patron saint of joyless self-pleasuring. I'll probably be canonized as the patron saint of those who just plain suck.

Blogger Heather said...

"I wrote a novel, but apparently those snooty publishers want something that "makes sense" and "has a point" and "is written in a decipherable language". Picky fucks."

I have read many a novel like this...you must be trying the wrong publishers. I would buy your novel cause you're f'ing hilarious. I'm with Andi, how can you stand to be that funny?

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