Since being unemployed sucks, I am currently working at the mega party store that employed me before I moved to Vegas. I can deal with the smelly alcoholics, the K-Fedites who buy cheap cognac, the gigantic women in tube tops, and even the morons who ask me "How's the weather up there?"
What I can't stand are people who, in the year of our lord 2006, still write checks.
That is a picture of a debit card, also known as a check card because it acts as a check, taking money from your checking account.
ATTENTION OLD PEOPLE: THESE CARDS ARE AVAILABLE FOR NO CHARGE AT YOUR BANK. THE ONE PICTURED IS FROM THE CREDIT UNION AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO, BUT THEY HAVE THEM AT YOUR BANK AS WELL. ONCE AGAIN, THESE ARE FREE FOR THE ASKING IF YOU HAVE A CHECKING ACCOUNT. YOU WILL NOT BE CHARGED INTEREST ON THE MONEY YOU WITHDRAW. YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE A BILL AT THE END OF THE MONTH, YOU WITHERED OLD SACK OF WRINKLES.
THERE ARE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU IN LINE WHO HAVE LIVES TO LIVE. UNLIKE YOU, THEIR LIVES AREN'T OVER AND THEY DON'T PRAY FOR DEATH ON A NIGHTLY BASIS. WHEN YOU WRITE A CHECK AT A PUBLIC BUSINESS, IT'S A GIGANTIC PAIN IN THE ASS FOR ALL INVOLVED. SWIPE THE DEBIT CARD, YOU OLD FUCK. SWIPE IT!!!!!!
Today some guy who used to bang Betsy Ross wrote a check for three dollars and change. I asked for his ID so I could confirm his name and address and write his driver's license number on the check. While this man was reaching for his wallet, I left my register, went outside, and received a blowjob from a cracked-out parking lot Betty. When I came back, he still hadn't fished out his ID and the people behind him were dead of natural causes. You see, since checks have long been the preferred method of payment for EVERY CRIMINAL ON EARTH, all checks have to be electronically authorized before I can finish the transaction. This involves a lot of writing on the check, scanning the check, punching numbers into various machines, etc. And I wouldn't mind doing it IF THE CHECK CARD DIDN'T EXIST. But it does. Use it.
Of course, most of the blame goes to retail stores for still accepting checks. Federal law prohibits use of a horse and buggy on interstate highways. Why? Because the use of them slows shit down. If that reason's good enough for our nation's obsolete interstate system, it's good enough for a liquor store.