Saturday, July 15, 2006

Since being unemployed sucks, I am currently working at the mega party store that employed me before I moved to Vegas. I can deal with the smelly alcoholics, the K-Fedites who buy cheap cognac, the gigantic women in tube tops, and even the morons who ask me "How's the weather up there?"

What I can't stand are people who, in the year of our lord 2006, still write checks.

That is a picture of a debit card, also known as a check card because it acts as a check, taking money from your checking account.

ATTENTION OLD PEOPLE: THESE CARDS ARE AVAILABLE FOR NO CHARGE AT YOUR BANK. THE ONE PICTURED IS FROM THE CREDIT UNION AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO, BUT THEY HAVE THEM AT YOUR BANK AS WELL. ONCE AGAIN, THESE ARE FREE FOR THE ASKING IF YOU HAVE A CHECKING ACCOUNT. YOU WILL NOT BE CHARGED INTEREST ON THE MONEY YOU WITHDRAW. YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE A BILL AT THE END OF THE MONTH, YOU WITHERED OLD SACK OF WRINKLES.

THERE ARE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU IN LINE WHO HAVE LIVES TO LIVE. UNLIKE YOU, THEIR LIVES AREN'T OVER AND THEY DON'T PRAY FOR DEATH ON A NIGHTLY BASIS. WHEN YOU WRITE A CHECK AT A PUBLIC BUSINESS, IT'S A GIGANTIC PAIN IN THE ASS FOR ALL INVOLVED. SWIPE THE DEBIT CARD, YOU OLD FUCK. SWIPE IT!!!!!!

Today some guy who used to bang Betsy Ross wrote a check for three dollars and change. I asked for his ID so I could confirm his name and address and write his driver's license number on the check. While this man was reaching for his wallet, I left my register, went outside, and received a blowjob from a cracked-out parking lot Betty. When I came back, he still hadn't fished out his ID and the people behind him were dead of natural causes. You see, since checks have long been the preferred method of payment for EVERY CRIMINAL ON EARTH, all checks have to be electronically authorized before I can finish the transaction. This involves a lot of writing on the check, scanning the check, punching numbers into various machines, etc. And I wouldn't mind doing it IF THE CHECK CARD DIDN'T EXIST. But it does. Use it.

Of course, most of the blame goes to retail stores for still accepting checks. Federal law prohibits use of a horse and buggy on interstate highways. Why? Because the use of them slows shit down. If that reason's good enough for our nation's obsolete interstate system, it's good enough for a liquor store.


28 Comments:

Blogger Nick said...

I had a dude write a check for 1.07 today.

Good times.

Blogger aughra said...

(small voice) I still write checks. But not at liquor (or as we call 'em in MI) party stores.

There, I pay with 100 dollar bills.

A few weeks ago at Target, I saw a lady paying for over $10.00 in merchandise in fucking change. About half in quarters, and the rest in nickles, dimes and hundreds of pennies. I desperately wanted to brain her with one of my crutches.

You know what's worse? Old people + writing checks + coupons. Oh Holy Jesus, you're all gonna read about me in the papers one of these days. Almost as bad as chatty cashiers at Wal Mart on paycheck day. You know the ones. They're perky and, by gosh, genuinely interested in each customer's well being and personal history. It's always when they're busy and I just want to get the fuck out of that redneck hellhole with my goddamn armful of deodorant, windshield washer fluid, and box of Ho-Ho's.

Blogger Claudia said...

I don't even know how to write a cheque. I swear.

please don't hurt me.

:)

Blogger Brookelina said...

Last time I was at the grocery store the woman in front of me paid by check. Sorry. CheckS. She was paying for various thing with separate checks because she was buying for all the trailer trash in her neighborhood. She proudly called out to me and all the other customers waiting for her that she was "The Check Queen." And then she giggled. I still can't believe she made it out of there alive.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I think we should all switch to the barter system and eliminate money altogether.

Blogger katarina said...

My customer base is 65 and older. I get about 50 checks a day. I always want to ask if they know about check cards, but then I'd have to sit there and explain it. I don't need that responsibility.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Why don't we just let old people leave without paying?

I'm a damn commie or socialist or something.

Blogger Arbusto said...

Mine dad is one of those people. I've nearly got him convinced to give them up for pointless purchases like at Menards.

Checks are still useful for bill paying since there's nobody waiting in line behind me.

Blogger tlsd said...

old people suck.
why aren't you online-brunch must have ended ages ago!
;0p

Blogger yournamehere said...

nick,
every time someone writes a check, a puppy dies.

aughra,
you're a six-foot tall blonde hottie. Write all the checks you want.

vast,
just the other day someone paid for their order in change. Hear about Coinstar, idiot?

john,
How come when people have fifty items I have to scan, they are totally unprepared to pay? How about getting your money out while I'm scanning the items? Is it that hard?

claudia,
are you kidding? Never learn how to write one.
The way you spell "cheque" is HOT.

brooke,
yeah, you guys should have tore her apart.

ubie,
that would be a great way for me to lose weight, since I have nothing of value to trade.

kat,
no one can convince an old person of anything.

ubie,
I say charge extra for check writers. But I'm not as pinko as you.

arbusto,
there's nothing wrong with paying bills by check. It's someone's job to sit in a comfortable chair and sort through them. It helps our economy.

tlsd,
did something else after brunch. Sorry.

Blogger Violet said...

Hmmm...something makes me think that the whole "getting a blow job during ID procurement" and "people dying in line" are figurative images. See, 'cause if this had *really* happened, I think you might be saying something like: everybody write checks! I got a blow job! Morons died! Yippee!

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

Long blowjob!

I can safely say I haven't used a check in an eon. In fact, I get rather pissy once a month when I HAVE to pay one of my student loans by check because the fucktards don't have an online payment option.

Blogger MoDigli said...

I hate checks!

Jeez, Todd - you should run for office. You could outlaw check writing at retail establishments, and we'd all be behind you!

Blogger Zombie Lou said...

Clearly there are no brains around these parts.

Blogger Nick said...

It's a good thing I hate puppies then.

Blogger tlsd said...

No need to be sorry... I only got back just before 11pm and quickly checked to see if you where about before swiftly passing out... glad you're keeping yourself busy!

(ps claudia is the only one here who can spell cheque corectly- ;op)

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

the worst is when they don't start filling in the cheque until they get right up to the counter, as if they forgot how the whole process works.

grrr.. the pain of working retail.

Blogger Trix said...

I only write checks for the rent and for man-whores.

Blogger Egan said...

You could have moved back to Vegas, hung out at the Stratosphere, played some craps, and then returned to Kuntucky before that geezer finished.

I am so with you on this check shit. Get with it people! It's the 90s.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

i haven't seen somebody pay with a check in years!!!

a blow job from bety? i thought she had retired!!!

Blogger Flounder said...

Personally, I am convinced that the check card is the root of all evil. I can never keep up with our purchases and my checking account gets all screwed up as a result.

Some people should just carry cash.

Blogger JJ said...

If there was a giant ACME anvil suspended over the checkout line with a comical timer of some sort, say a candle burning the rope, then it would be okay if they tarried a bit -- just for the entertainment value.

Seriously, look into it.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

That's great advice Todd, but the old people that write checks, also don't use a computer.

BTW, I still write checks....but only hot ones when my account is empty and my card doesn't work.

Is Lou dying or just aging at an alarming rate....he looks like shit!

Blogger ginonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Lou Reed's Sister said...

Yesterday I was at Publix and two twentyish morons were using their check cards in the ATM in front of me and talking on their cell phones and listing to iPods and sending text messages to Ryan Seacrest and wasting my day when I just needed to get a quick $20 to buy some Lotto's. Anyways, they finished up in a big rush and were practically running for the car to hook up with some pierced tongue bubble gummer and when I stepped up to the machine, there was $400 in twenties hanging out of the dispenser. I snagged it and headed for the Lotto window. The little bastards ought to learn to write checks.

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