Friday, September 15, 2006
Help me assimilate
I think one of my problems (one of many) is my lack of a discernible image. I just can't commit wholly to any particular subculture. I need your help, reader(s). I'm going to list the pros and cons of various American subcultures and you can tell me which one I should try.


Pro: Lack of ambition, which I respect; and an appreciation for microbrewed beer.

Con: Smelly, leech off of society, rarely eat meat, listen to shitty jam bands, targeted for extinction by Eric Cartman.


Pro: They usually date hot chicks; the Dillard's Big and Tall shop sells Polo clothes, a lot of evil preppie villains in bad movies are named "Todd".

Con: I don't come from money and I refuse to pop my collar.

Indie Rock Guy

Pro: I like the music, Indie rock chicks are hot, I enjoy the smug satisfaction of owning a CD only thirty other people on earth own.

Con: I don't chain smoke and it's impossible to find my size in a thrift store.

Bitter Recluse

Pro: I'm eighty percent there.

Con: My other twenty percent likes crowds.


Pro: Society seems to exist to satisfy their every whim.

Con: To actually be a yuppie, don't you have to make more money than a ghost town street performer?

Circus Freak

Pro: I like to travel; I hear the bearded lady gives great head.

Con: A steady diet of corn dogs and fried dough won't help my weight problem; carnies are basically apolitical hippies.

So, what do you think? If you have any other ideas, let me know.


Blogger anathema said...

You missed 'Blingy Thug' in your list of subcultures.

Pro: Wears expensive jewelry. Has lots of sports jerseys.

Con: Only attracts white women with their hair tied too tight.

Blogger n.v. said...

Todd, you are in your own class. None of these suit you. You're funny, intelligent, and kind-hearted. I think I'm in love with you.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...


Troubled loner? You kinda covered that.

What about D&D nerd?

Aging hipster? Is that the Indie Rock guy?

Um... lumberjack? Professional wrestler/bowler?

Blogger Brookelina said...

Drunken slut?

Blogger Brookelina said...

Oh wait, that's me.

Blogger katie schwartz said...

toddy, I think you should become a pimp. you have quite a collection of loyal mullet-ho's who would be super happy to turn tricks for you.

just make sure to give us a good health plan, something more subtantial than free weekly hiv tests.

dental would be nice.

you can wear purple, lots of loud purple!

How about Loud Drunk at Applebee's Bar? I know it's a bit limiting, but it doesn't have to always be Applebee's. That's just where I ran into this species last.

Pros: He usually has lots of friends, so his bar tab is small.

Cons: He makes everyone else want to see him die a horrific and painful death.

You know I'd never wish that on you, but it's all I could come up with. I actually agree with N.V. They broke the mold after you, amigo.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I heart carnies, if that helps.

Blogger Flounder said...

How about militant black man, like a black panther...

Pro: People will fear and somewhat respect your cause, even though your words seem to indicate that you're not exactly sure what that cause is.

Con: They usually don't let white men in their little group.

Blogger Monkey said...

An identity crisis! How delightful. I vote for "Monkey"!

"Monkeys have furry knees
Monkeys live in trees,
Monkeys never lose their wallets
because they don't have any"...

Blogger MMM said...

How about this one:

Be Yourself

Pro: It takes nothing more than rolling out of bed and grabbing whatever clothes you can afford from the top of the pile on your floor. Then you go to whatever job you can get and hang out with whatever fools you can tolerate and who tolerate you back.

Con: Nobody will understand you because we are all too stupid to get people who don't fit into a predictable category.

M(from As If You Care)

Blogger EEK! said...

You're not taking into account the raging meth problem in carnie culture, which nicely counteracts the fried dough diet. Sleep on it, friend.

Blogger miss kendra said...

eek! is quite right.

you forgot "pimp."

pro: lots of babes, lots of money, flashy gear, bejeweled goblet

con: i guess jail, but seriously, that's it.

Whatever you do, don't pick Circus freak/Carnie. We alread had two family members who were forced to bark for the Yak Woman at a North Texas Carnival. Not a pretty site. Plus, carnie's have small hands and smell like cabbage. I don't think cabbage would be a good smell for you.

Blogger tlsd said...

Oh come... on do you actually want to fit into a stereotype?

It's your uniqueness that is so attractive. The fact that you do stand out from the crowd is not a problem it is most definitely an advantage.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

You sound alot like me. If you were to classify me, I would be "Oh, that guy". The sort of guy who is decent, nice, well-rounded but the chicks don't give me a 2nd thought other than to say "I wish I had a b/f just like you ... but not you. Do you know what I mean?" But I still dig all types of beer, listen to indie music, but certainly never get the girl.

Blogger Nick said...

How do you "love to travel" but hate to drive? You make less sense than a drunken auctioneer.

Blogger Anna said...

How about Homeless Guy

Pro: you can say whatever you want, whenever you want and young idealistic girls will stop by with soup and sandwiches and beg you to come in for the night.

Con: it's dangerous, uncomfortable and reduces one's life expectancy by at least twenty years.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Some people fly, Nick. Over oceans and everything.

Blogger yournamehere said...

why some black guys would rather date ugly white women than attractive black women is beyond me.

I'm only kind-hearted on occassion, but thanks, my dear.

anything I chose will have to have "aging" in front of it. I want to be a pornographer/faith healer, but I don't know how to go about it.

come on over for a drink or twenty.

I couldn't be a pimp for blog girls; I'd want to have sex with all of you.

I've been drunk in public a lot, but never at Applebee's, unless you count drunk with disappointment.

we could role play. I'll be the carnie and you be the naked Tilt-a-whirl patron.

I don't like bow ties.

MONKEY! I love you. Don't monkeys eat insects from the fur of their compatriots? Hmmmm.

Blogger yournamehere said...

that's good advice. I'm still upset that you don't want to marry me.

true. I could make my goal weight and O.D. in a gutter the next night. Awesome.

I'll only be a pimp if I can turn you out.

I hate the smell of cabbage.

this was sort of tongue-in-cheek.

we'll have our day.
Okay, probably not.

to me, "travel" means "seeing other places" while "driving" means "sitting in traffic or dealing with crazy people".

I'm not an outdoorsy type.

that would have to be a fancy carnival to have its own plane. But at least I wouldn't have to drive the bus.

Blogger tlsd said...

really... you don't say...

Blogger Tits McGee said...


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