Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Things I think about when I think about things
Just a few things I've thought about recently. Nothing earth shattering, really.

-When you're on myspace and you see three pictures under the heading "Cool New People", those people are never cool. Ever.

-My favorite food on the planet just may be Indian food, but I can't eat it unless I'm going to be home for the next twelve hours. Trust me on this one.

-It irritates the piss out of me when I mention I grew up in a blue collar neighborhood and someone engages in such broad stereotyping I'm forced to defend people I never really liked in the first place.

-Saturday I was at the Original Highlands Neighborhood Music and Art Festival. I had a great time eating good food, drinking beer and listening to local music. According to this website, the theme was "Diversity". In the Highlands neighborhood, diversity means a mix of white scruffy alcoholics and white scruffy bohemians, but they did have a bad Salsa band on one of the music stages.
Also, while the website touts Louisville as America's Top City for Relocating Families, I cannot confirm nor deny this claim.

-I don't miss Las Vegas in an "I want to live there again" sort of way, but in an "I want to spend a long weekend there and do lines of coke off a stripper's fake tits" sort of way.

-See, that's the mind-altering mystique of Las Vegas, making me think I'm going to do something in 3 days that I never did in almost 4 years.

-Other American cities I'd like to spend a long weekend in, whether or not doing lines of coke off a stripper's tits, fake or otherwise, is involved: Chicago, San Francisco, Austin, Seattle, San Diego, Dallas, somewhere in New England, Hollywood, Orlando, and Portland.

-Number of those cities I'll most likely visit unless I win a lottery I never play: ZERO.

-I just heard that somewhere on the internet there's a video of Paris Hilton pleasuring herself with the remnants of Ashlee Simpson's old nose.

-"Lickspittle" is a word that isn't used enough in our society.
Lickspittle: A contemptible, fawning person; a servile flatterer or toady.
example: "George Bush is Dick Cheney's reliable lickspittle."

-All I want to do is fall in love with someone whose very existence doesn't make me feel embarrassed for having human emotions. Is that too much to ask?

-I hate when I order pizza with a bunch of people at work and they all try to put in exactly the amount they owe without regard to tax or tip. I'm bringing my own lunch from now on.

-I wish I had been more ambitious when I was younger. Or not. Who cares?

-After three fucking years, The Dixie Chicks STILL can't tour in the South; and several country music stations STILL refuse to play their songs. Compare the harmless thing their lead singer said to the hateful, insane ramblings of Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh. They don't have any trouble being heard on radio stations.

-My least favorite blog? All of the self-important Sex in the City rip-off New York chick blogs are tied for first.

-This post reminds me of the senile ramblings of Larry King's USA Today collumn: "You know what is truly appreciated in the King household? Oxygen."

-I've noticed that real women aren't as quick as their porn movie counterparts to give random blowjobs to complete strangers.

-Why didn't the other castaways just kill Gilligan? Come on, after the tenth rescue attempt he bungled, any other group of people would have gone all Lord of the Flies on his ass.

-I'm accepting marriage proposals if anyone is interested in throwing her life away.


40 Comments:

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I love Indian food, am tired of the Sex and the City "schtick", will be in Vegas in November and hate people that won't put in that extra 50 cents!

I never knew we had so much in common!

Blogger ETaylor said...

Will you marry me? If your answer is yes I am unable to relocate to Louisville so you will have to be willing to come to me.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

mr. todd, will you marry me?...i LOVE indian food!!!and i sooo agree with you on the whole killing gilligan part!! AND i'll be waiting for you when you come to chicago ;-)...to marry me!!!

Blogger Molly said...

If you move back to Vegas I'll marry you.

as long as you let me join in when your doing coke off a strippers fake tits, that is!

Blogger Rachel said...

WTF? Helena, Montana didn't make the list? I'm sure we have strippers and fake tits here too.

Blogger Brookelina said...

This post was very deep.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i have many responses to this, not the least of which is "what's wrong with the stripper's ass that it was left out of that statement?"

Blogger Egan said...

Oh my, those NYC lady blogs are awful. You comment on their blog and they never return the favor. Not that it's required, but you just get a weird vibe.

If you don't marry "etaylor" will you marry me? You can live in Seattle.

Blogger anathema said...

Falling in love is cool but it can be way overrated. Stick to meaningless flings. They are fleeting but fulfilling in a strange paradox.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

did I tell you about the time I almost killed off every tastebud thanks to my sister's choice of Indian appetizers?

if I lived closer, I would ask you to marry me - but I can't do long distance, so I found out recently.

Blogger Olga said...

Nice! A Lord of the Flies reference! This is why I hold you in high regard, Toddy. Capable of funny and literary references at the same time. A potent combination, indeed.

Blogger Dawn said...

Hollywood - whenever I hear that city mentioned, I always think of that song Welcome to the Jungle by Guns n Roses. So, 1980's - I know. But Hollywood is gross. Whenever relatives come to visit us, the first thing they want to do is go to Hollywood. I remember back in the mid 1990's my friend and I went to see UFO play at The Palace. We were walking down Hollywood Blvd. just checking things out before the show and suddenly I see a homeless man - he was filthy dirty - he's got his tattered shorts pulled down to his knees and he's standing in middle of the blvd. taking a piss on the median between the traffic jam. It didn't seem to faze anyone but me.

Second, wasn't there some kind of big conspiracy theory on Gilligan's Island? I think it was in the news when the show went off the air.

Third, it looks like you've gotten some marriage proposals from some of your dedicated followers.

Blogger katie schwartz said...

my dearest mullet,

you are a bright, funny, adorable boy. any dame who wins your heart will be the luckiest broad on the planet. capisce?!

...even if she is a really lippy blonde with massive tits. I'm sure she'll be able to suck a bagel through an asian man's cock. unless she's a jewgirl, then she'll suck ya like a vat of kugle on sale at katz's.

one last thing, are you sure parasite is using ashlee's former shnaz? cause I heard she molded nicole ritchie's fat into a bitter cock that could bang the whore out of the most used gashes in town.

Blogger Violet said...

Look at you and your marriage proposals. Good show! I'd ask you to marry be, but you wouldn't. You're exactly my type which means that I am the one woman on earth who would cure you of your insatiable sex drive. Believe me, I have literally years of evidence to back me up on this one.

I really don't have a comment about your post. I just wanted to say that "a bitter cock that could bang the whore out of the most used gashes in town" made me turgidly erect. The only problem is, the poster's last name and mine are the same, and since my wife's first name isn't Katie, that's just too weird to contemplate.

Blogger yournamehere said...

little,
and you're already married. Damn the luck.

etaylor,
where do you live? Your profile reads "United States" but I'm gonna need you to be a little more specific.

sonrisa,
I love Chicago. And you. I'm thinking about this.

molly,
why not just join me in Vegas in May when I visit? You bring the coke, I'll bring the strippers.

rachel,
Helena is the first city on my second list, I promise.

brooke,
I do it all for you.

kendra,
the ass has dollar bills sticking out of it.

egan,
is your wife the jealous type?

Blogger MMM said...

let's eat indian food together and live happily ever after.

yeah. right.

Blogger yournamehere said...

anathema,
oh, I'd settle for the meaningless flings! Any of you ladies up for a meaningless fling?

indie,
Indian food can be spicy. Oh, you I'd marry in a heartbeat.

olga,
you called me "toddy". How cute.

dawn,
They really cleaned up that area around the Kodak theatre. I liked Hollywood. It reminds me of Entourage, except I'm poor and I only know hot chicks from the internet.

katie,
I want a dame. Someone who can play a game of pool and likes a shot of bourbon.
You are on my "funny girls with big boobs" list. I'd so marry you.

violet,
I really don't have an insatiable sex drive, which is good since I don't get a lot of sex.

john,
Katie makes a lot of people turgidly erect. She has a gift.

Blogger Egan said...

Nope, we even have a California King for you. Just call me when you make it here.

Blogger Flounder said...

You're not alone on the pizza thing. And it's not just pizza either. My co-workers do that same shit at Hooters every Friday so I just quit going.

Blogger Flounder said...

Oh, and I'll have my wife prepare the guest room for your New England visit whenever you want to visit.

Blogger Secret said...

Poor darlin'-you sound a bit bitter today. Funny still, but bitter just the same.

And no, my 12 year old doesn't even have internet access. Least he run into...well everything out there *shudder*

Still love you but I'm married. I'll keep my eye out for ya....

Blogger Übermilf said...

I can't marry you, but I can help plan your and Sonrisa's wedding. You can even have it in my back yard! You can have Indian food and a GOOD salsa band.

I'll make cupcakes.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

"I've noticed that real women aren't as quick as their porn movie counterparts to give random blowjobs to complete strangers."

Huh?

Dammit.

Restaurant indian food is giving you the shits because it's heavy in cream and oils. Homemade Indian food is quite good for you-I drop a ton of weight when I eat it regularly.

Blogger Nick said...

Original Highlands Neighborhood Music and Art Festival sounds like the name of a NAMBLA Convention.

Blogger Übermilf said...

You'd know, Nick.

Blogger JJ said...

Because it was his island. If they killed (and most likely ate) him, they just would have been castaway on "Island". And, really, was it too much to ask through all those seasons for a little GonG with Ginger and Mary Ann?

Blogger Anna said...

Are you saying you are never going to leave the continental US?

Perhaps you could reconsider that whole ambition thing... it's never to late ;)

Blogger yournamehere said...

mmm,
you don't want to marry an internet stranger? Damn your logic.

egan,
I'm only a little frightened.

flounder,
it would take more than that to stop me from going to Hooters.

teri,
I'm only slightly bitter, like semi-sweet chocolate.

ubie,
that would be awesome. You can put a mini bride and groom on each cupcake.

cold hands,
I said "aren't as quick", but I suppose it happens to the more aesthetically pleasing guys.

monkey,
I may ask you for some recipes. I know you cook Indian food because I read your blog; I'm not making any assumptions based on ethnicity. I'm German, for example, and I don't stand around making saurkraut.

nick,
actually, all proceeds go to help victims of child sexual abuse. Shame on you for defaming the organizers of this charitable event.

ubie,
and the FBI has a pair of stained Garanimals to prove it.

jj,
The professor and Mary Ann were the only decent people on the island. Gilligan was borderline retarded, the Skipper was a bully, Ginger was vain and airheaded, and the Howells were insufferable snobs.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I know what you mean with the Indian food. A few months ago, I had a frozen Indian food entree for lunch (at work). I had eaten this particular dish many times before without negative consequences. It was a bad scene. VERY bad scene.

Also, I've decided to live a celibate lifestyle.

Blogger Liv said...

"I don't miss Las Vegas in an "I want to live there again" sort of way, but in an "I want to spend a long weekend there and do lines of coke off a stripper's fake tits" sort of way"

I agree with you on that. Except replace 4 years with 3 months and replace strippers fake tits to strippers abs and we are exactly the same. Maybe this weekend!

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

LMAO the myspace cool people is true todd!

Let me know if you get up to New England, we'll go out boozin and then loose our money at some titay bar

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I live somewhere in New England!

Come visit me and I'll let you eat Indian food off my very real tits.

You may have to go stay at a hotel for twelve hours after that, though.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I firmly believe that Nick was wearing those garanimals himself when they became stained.

Blogger Steph said...

I like your random thoughts. You're like the male version of me only funnier.

Blogger Nick said...

and with a bigger vagina.

Blogger yournamehere said...

pants,
you chose celibacy, while I have had celibacy thrust upon me.

liv,
Happy Birthday and have a great weekend.

lone,
you never truly lose money at at titay bar. Everyone's a winner.

tits,
your husband must be a very understanding man. I would eat liver off of your very real tits, and I hate liver.

ubie,
I saw a picture of Nick in Garanimals. It looked like someone was trying to shove ten pounds of shit into a five-pound bag.

steph,
you are hilarious. And attractive. And Australian. I can't compete.

nick,
just because you never touched the sides doesn't mean my vagina is big.

Blogger Nick said...

Your face is ten pounds of shit.

Blogger afromabq said...

i love not coming here for awile, then catching up. i have sat in my office and laughed for the past 20 minutes reading all your posts. your mtv post was one of your funniest. god you're good!! you have a gift - some lucky girl will recognize and appreciate just what a charm you are!

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