Monday, August 28, 2006
It was a schweaty weekend
Remember the old Alec Baldwin SNL skit where he played Pete Schweaty, a man who appeared on a National Public Radio show to sell his candy, Schweaty Balls?

Well, sometimes when it's hot and humid the weather goes past sweaty right into schweaty. Las Vegas was hot and miserable in a "thrown into a large convection oven" sort of way, but it was never schweaty. It just didn't have the schweatyesque humidity necessary for such a designation.

Louisville, on the other hand, is quite capable of bringing the schweaty, and it brought it big time this weekend. It actually started a day early, when I went to the Kentucky State Fair. Perhaps some of you have been to a state fair and thought "Wow, there's a lot of rednecks and hillbilly types here." Well, imagine if that state fair was held in Kentucky. Yeah.

To be honest, since I went during the day, the crowd mostly consisted of farm families from throughout the state making their only visit of the year to Louisville, their hated "big city" neighbor. As long as you didn't ask them about religion, politics, or race relations everything was cool. Well, not the weather: It was schweaty. I schweated like R. Kelly sneaking into a dressing room at limited, too.

On Friday night I saw indie rock gods Shellac. Their guitarist and frontman, Steve Albini, produced Nirvana's In Utero and The Pixies' Surfer Rosa, and has been playing music for over twenty years in various bands. I think the band insists on playing all-ages shows, so the concert was in a church recreational room. Second floor. NO AIR CONDITIONING. Five hundred people jammed into a rather small place. This may have been the schweatiest experience of my life. I didn't think I was capable of being that uncomfortable after riding around in Vegas for a month without car a/c; I was wrong. I schweated like a microphallic meth addict trying to fuck Aretha Franklin.

After working on Saturday, I, like a crazy man, went to THE SAME HOTBOX CONCERT VENUE to see Shipping News, not as indie rock goddish as Shellac but a better band in my opinion. All of the guys are from Louisville, and the drummer used to date a friend of mine, so it was good to see them again. It wasn't quite as schweaty since the crowd wasn't as large and they were selling water for fifty cents a bottle, but it was still pretty fucking uncomfortable. I schweated like Alanis Morrisette getting her teeth cleaned.

On Sunday I was off work but was obligated to go to a family picnic. Despite my pleas, the get-together was not held in the conference center of a nice hotel but at a state park. There was a lot of good fattening food there (I made my famous not-Derby Pie), but it was humid like a crotch. I schweated like Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah.

Here's hoping the week ahead is less schweaty.


Blogger tlsd said...

hmmmmm... I'd like to get all hot and schweaty with you...

Blogger Nick said...

I wouldn't.

Also, I think this post was just an excuse for you to use all the "I was sweating like..." analogies that you thought up.

Blogger EEK! said...

Eden and I went to the FRRR on Friday night. Stay tuned for deep-fried Twinkie recap. Skipped the Shellac show because frankly these days I'm allergic to all-ages shows. Steve Albini might be an influential motherfucker, but I always thought I'd like to punch him in the neck, given the chance. He strikes me as a bit of a motherfucker. Anyway. The frrr was hot, humid, and the piglet race was a total rip-off. Though thanks to bootleg media passes, we all got in and parked for free. Huzzah for free redneckia.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Did you ever play "spot the slut" at such events? It's great fun.

Blogger Steph said...

I don't sweat, i "glisten" BAhahaha!

Having grown up in da Ville, I know what our glorious leader is talking about. Heavily schweaty. But the temp rarely gets above 95 there. Imagine 105 and nearly that humid and you have the splendiferousness of East Texas. Moving here and then staying here is proof of my insanity. We're going on 50 days of 100 degrees or higher this Summer. The lake I supposedly live next to is a bird bath. Joy.

Sounds like you did some serious crotch pot cookin' Todd. It was hotter than monkey pussy here today...

Blogger Anthony said...

Living nearly entirely surrounded by the Great Lakes has taught me much about humidity and the schweatiness associated with it.

I nearly schweat my ass off moving today. It wasn't even hot, just very, very humid.

Blogger Flounder said...

I'd like to tell you that this past weekend, I was sweating like and Italian on a witness stand, but I wasn't.

It was a cool 72 here.

Blogger Nick said...

I'm with Flounder. It crested in the Low 80's. Nice and unhumid. Of course, our kids don't know who Darwin is and abortion doctors get murdered. So not everything is lesbian unicorns.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

A shame.

Everything is totally lesbian unicorns over here. Here in Lesbianville it's been low seventies and cool at night, and Chez McGee there's been buffalo wings and homemade apple pie. I'm making meatballs for dinner tonight.

They will not be schweaty.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Nick's specializes in schweaty meat balls.

Blogger Übermilf said...

grammar! It's the fairy dust.

Flounder is no longer my hero.

Blogger Violet said...

Wow - you just teabagged your whole readership! Nicely played (wipes off).

My advice: don't go from "schweaty" to "frigid" too quickly, you'll chap something fierce. I had a (guy) friend whose nipples cracked.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I loves me some schweaty balls! Fall is starting here. I'm so happy because fall is my favorite time of the year!

Blogger katarina said...

Wow, busy weekend.
I tried not to leave the air conditioning most of the weekend.

Blogger Shannon said...

I once saw Shellac at a ghetto bowling alley in Chicago in the summer. Insert your own "I schweated like..." joke here.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm blushing.

yeah, and I also like saying the word "schweaty".

this was my first fair in four years, so I was very happy.
Steve Albini hardly said anything. Bob Weston did most of the talking, and he seems okay.

there were sluts at the fair, but not as many as if I would have gone at night.

you would have "glistened" your ass off at this place.

why do you subject yourself to such torture?

I was hoping you'd use the term "crotch pot cookin'" in your comment.

even Canada isn't immune to the schweaty.

call me when you're up to your taint in snow.

Blogger yournamehere said...

everything SHOULD BE lesbian unicorns. I was taught evolution in Kentucky, but that was a million years ago, so who knows what they're telling these kids now.

can I come live with you? Tell your husband I'll mow the lawn and I'll only have sex with you once a week.

thanks for the gratuitous Nick bashing.

all of my heroes have disappointed me.

cracked nuts would not be good.

I love fall. There is no autumn in Vegas, so I'm looking forward to it.

I would have loved me some air conditioning.

how about "I schweated like Roseanne Barr at Buffalo Wild Wings on quarter chicken leg night"?
Does Shellac ever play anyplace normal?

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

you should totally see the rednecks at our state fair! You don't talk about inbreeding!

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