The Pretty Factor

Thanks, Flounder, for pointing me in the direction of these hilarious "inspirational" posters.

Beauty equals power in our society. I'm not saying it's right, or ideal, but it's the truth. As far as relationships go, looks are less and less important to me as time goes on (and were never a major concern), but I will freely admit that a beautiful woman sometimes leaves me utterly dumbfounded.

Last week I was at work and a young lady walked up to me who was so hot, I had to think about William H. Macy in a speedo to avoid sporting a woodrow. She had dark hair, olive skin, and when she blinked her tits jiggled. I was flabbergasted. She asked me a question about vodka or rum or you know...one of the clear liquors and it was all I could do to give her a coherent answer.

You'd think I'd grow out of that, but it's the same as when I was in college. Every once in a while, when my group of friends sat at our usual table in the student center, a girl would join us who didn't resemble the lead singer of the Cure. This was a rare occurrence, so the girl would be treated like visiting royalty by all of the guys, myself included. We'd laugh a little too loudly at her jokes and basically make asses of ourselves. We wanted to think of ourselves as liberal progressive types, but the penis is at least a moderate.

Back to the present, lord knows I likes the tit-tays, but never underestimate the power of the female ass. I've seen guys walk into retail displays looking at a shapely turd-cutter. There is a reason I don't resent the success of Jennifer Lopez, and this is the reason. That ass should be worshipped as a god, or at the very least be on the new five dollar bill.

And if I was tennis player Serena Williams, I'd join the men's tour and play with my back to the opponent. There's no way a man can look at this ass and be able to concentrate on tennis.

The Pretty Factor has far-reaching effects. Has an attractive woman ever received a speeding ticket from a male cop?
"Ma'am, driving while intoxicated with a dead midget in the passenger seat and a trunk full of uncut heroin marked 'Sell in front of elementary school' is illegal in this state, but I'm going to let you off with a warning."

Women are guilty of playing favorites too. Her new boyfriend with the "great sense of humor" is almost always a handsome guy who's about as funny as aquarium gravel. And the better looking a guy is, the more some women will put up with. I guarantee when it comes to the ladies I have less "margin of error" than Brad Pitt. No one has ever broken up with ol' Brad for some of the reasons women have ended things with me.

"Todd, I don't like your shoes. We're breaking up."

"Todd, you forgot my third cousin's birthday. We're through."

"Todd, is this a Letters to Cleo CD? Get out and never call me again."

"Todd, I can't date tall, fat, underemployed men when there's an 'r' in the month. See you next May."

May came around, and she didn't return my calls.