Wednesday, September 06, 2006
The Pretty Factor

Thanks, Flounder, for pointing me in the direction of these hilarious "inspirational" posters.

Beauty equals power in our society. I'm not saying it's right, or ideal, but it's the truth. As far as relationships go, looks are less and less important to me as time goes on (and were never a major concern), but I will freely admit that a beautiful woman sometimes leaves me utterly dumbfounded.

Last week I was at work and a young lady walked up to me who was so hot, I had to think about William H. Macy in a speedo to avoid sporting a woodrow. She had dark hair, olive skin, and when she blinked her tits jiggled. I was flabbergasted. She asked me a question about vodka or rum or you know...one of the clear liquors and it was all I could do to give her a coherent answer.

You'd think I'd grow out of that, but it's the same as when I was in college. Every once in a while, when my group of friends sat at our usual table in the student center, a girl would join us who didn't resemble the lead singer of the Cure. This was a rare occurrence, so the girl would be treated like visiting royalty by all of the guys, myself included. We'd laugh a little too loudly at her jokes and basically make asses of ourselves. We wanted to think of ourselves as liberal progressive types, but the penis is at least a moderate.

Back to the present, lord knows I likes the tit-tays, but never underestimate the power of the female ass. I've seen guys walk into retail displays looking at a shapely turd-cutter. There is a reason I don't resent the success of Jennifer Lopez, and this is the reason. That ass should be worshipped as a god, or at the very least be on the new five dollar bill.

And if I was tennis player Serena Williams, I'd join the men's tour and play with my back to the opponent. There's no way a man can look at this ass and be able to concentrate on tennis.

The Pretty Factor has far-reaching effects. Has an attractive woman ever received a speeding ticket from a male cop?
"Ma'am, driving while intoxicated with a dead midget in the passenger seat and a trunk full of uncut heroin marked 'Sell in front of elementary school' is illegal in this state, but I'm going to let you off with a warning."

Women are guilty of playing favorites too. Her new boyfriend with the "great sense of humor" is almost always a handsome guy who's about as funny as aquarium gravel. And the better looking a guy is, the more some women will put up with. I guarantee when it comes to the ladies I have less "margin of error" than Brad Pitt. No one has ever broken up with ol' Brad for some of the reasons women have ended things with me.

"Todd, I don't like your shoes. We're breaking up."

"Todd, you forgot my third cousin's birthday. We're through."

"Todd, is this a Letters to Cleo CD? Get out and never call me again."

"Todd, I can't date tall, fat, underemployed men when there's an 'r' in the month. See you next May."

May came around, and she didn't return my calls.



30 Comments:

Blogger Sysm said...

Whereas I'm ugly on the outside, but deep inside me is a creamy, nougaty center.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

Note to self, start running around dressed like jennifer lopez....
nah that wouldn't get me free shit, it would just scare the townspeople, I swear there would be a pitchfork or two involved in my demise.

Blogger katarina said...

I love Letters To Cleo.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I love all shoes......including yours, Toddy!

Oprah? Big ass woman. JLo? Woman with a big ass. Still just Jenny from the block, though. Yep. Same old Jenny.

Hey Todd, do you remember Pam Wheeler? Of course you do, silly question. Now, she wasn't exactly drop-dead gorgeous, but she had a helluva rear view, as I recall. Her sister wasn't too bad either. Ooh! Better booty: Shannon Delph. I bet she's a woman with a big ass these days. Ahh, memories.

Bro, with a crank like yours, it doesn't matter if you look like a cross between John Merrick and Rocky Dennis. You should be banging broads like they are going out of style with that "Weapon of Ass Destruction." How is it that I got shafted out of the "blue ribbon bull gene" that you got? Damn you.

Blogger yournamehere said...

sysm,
exactly what is nougat?

knitty,
I've seen your picture. You have a nice front...never viewed the back porch.

kat,
so do I, but they've cost me dearly.

little,
you'd love my cool-ass Chuck Taylors.

john,
Pam married a guy named Kelly Anderson, so her name is now Pam Anderson.

I haven't seen Shannon Delph in forever. Let's just assume she still has an ass you could bounce a quarter off of.

vast,
it's nice that my brother is trying to get a date for me. That's all I'll say about this.

Blogger Anna said...

Dude;

That whole underemployed thing... stop that!

Blogger Flounder said...

First off, you're welcome.

Serena is hot, but her sister looks like the Predator.

One time, a co-worker's girlfirend came up to me and asked where he was, and she was so hot that I just stood there. I didn't stare or do anything rude, but I honestly lost the ability to speak.

Now that's hot.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Is it wrong that Sysm's comment made me both a little hungry and a little horny?

Blogger Trix said...

If you like the ass, then wait till tomorrow's HNT my friend.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

hmm? i don't consider myself "hot" but i am nice to look at and i have to admit that i have gotten away with alot of things due to my beauty ;-)
I have to admit i sometimes feel guilty but i think i deserve some of these things...free tickets to cubs games, getting in clubs for free, getting jobs when i had no idea what the fuck i was doing...yep i deserve these things. BUT i also am beautiful on the inside...DAMN IT!!! I AM!!! SO SHUT UP!!!

Blogger miss kendra said...

i'm in dire need of ruffled panties.

i'm sort of lacking in the rear, and i think that would be helpful in creating the illusion of hot assery.

Blogger JJ said...

I've always been so incredibly good looking that I was 30 before I realized I even needed an inside.

Using some of this in my next blog post. Be on the lookout.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

I love those demotivational posters. My personal favourite is, "If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon."

As far as the beauty thing goes - spot on. It does wind me up the more talented, yet less attractive women get left behind in their careers purely because of their lack of "talent"

Blogger Brookelina said...

It works both ways. I once saw a man that was so beautiful I was left completely speechless.

I slept with him. Of course.

Blogger Violet said...

I once locked my keys in the car when this blond god of a coworker walked by. Then I had to call the motherfucking locksmith while trying to play it cool. Attractive guys are great to look at, but, in my experience, they're usually pricks.

As for the "bad shoes" breakup, that's complete bull. You can *teach* a guy to buy nice shoes.

Blogger yournamehere said...

anna,
I don't mean "underemployed" to imply that I'm a brain surgeon forced to dig ditches. It just means I don't make enough money in which to live.

flounder,
stymie-hot, is what she was.

tits,
who am I to judge you?

trix,
you could email me a preview. I'm highly impatient.

sonrisa,
you do good things for people through your job. You deserve free stuff. You are pretty, though, so you'd probably get them even if you didn't deserve them.

kendra,
in all fairness to you, you have a great front.

jj,
but you actually are funny. What gives?

andi,
you are hot and smart and just about everything else that's cool. Feel free to use whatever you like.

richard,
the corporate world is a big offender.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Violet is right about everything. Plus:

I hate girls with PGS (pretty girl syndrome). I think I've blogged about it before but I don't feel like looking through my archives because my head FUCKING HURTS and that's why you need to write Bad Music Thursday tomorrow. Pretty please with sugar on top.

I'd be fluttering my eyelashes and pushing up my breasts right now to get my way, but you can't see me anyways.

Also, my butt used to cause construction sites to temporarily close in its honor, but now it's just fat and lumpy.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Also, Sysm isn't ugly.

A smartass who repeatedly tricks his trusting female friends with his evil cunning, yes. Ugly, no. There's a very large spectrum between ugly and god-like.

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
I'm usually not given that option with the girls who leave me speechless.

violet,
the shoe thing was just a joke, an exaggeration for comedic effect.

ubie,
I'll write Bad Music Thursday for you, even though some of your regulars are mean to me.

I don't know anything about your butt's ability to stop labor, but if it's any consolation, sometimes your cupcake apron makes me forget what I was going to write.

Blogger Dawn said...

Hurry and submit those break-up lines to Cosmo. ;0

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

OK, this was just plain funny. And just plain true.

Must admit I've rubbed one out ... or two ... imagining those very asses. And I tell you that with a staunch record of heterosexuality. Well, and bicuriosity, but what of it?

You are so funny.

And by that, I of course me hawt. Sizzle!

Blogger Dr. Chingasa said...

My favorite is the burnout one.

Burnout - attitudes are contagious - mine might kill you.

Blogger Burr-ee-toe said...

Damn... its a sad truth, huh? I'll admit it, I enjoy it. I swear I only use the power in vegas because for some reason the men are exponentially easier to take advantage of there. I'm terrible. I know this. The good thing is that I'll be in fabulous company when I'm in hell.

Blogger katarina said...

You know your brother is right. Don't deny the baseball bat you have dangling from your waist. Knock one out of the park for me, baby.

Blogger katie schwartz said...

oh, I feel your pain, tdawg. I'm a v with a flat jewass. I can't compete with broads who have asses like balconies. I'd kill for a high, tight ass. have you seen ice-t's trophy wife's ass? yeah. 7 of his closest friends could have several rounds of cocktails on it.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

aaawwww, you're so sweet mr. todd :-)

Blogger n.v. said...

I'd leave a witty comment, but as always I'm too busy gasping for air. Fuck you, Todd.

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