Monday, September 04, 2006
Summary: M-TV Video Music Awards
It was another three hours I'll never get back, folks. Why do I watch this show? I know I'm too old and I'll hate almost everything I see on the screen. But what the fuck, let's review it.

-Remember in the late nineties when Justin Timberlake was in N'Sync and talked like a whiny little white kid? Then around 2001 he started talking like a black guy, or at least how a whiny little white kid thinks a black guy sounds, and everyone is apparently okay with that. Why? Why is this acceptable? He didn't grow up with black people; he was a Mouseketeer. Musically, he's one more bad Off the Wall-era Michael Jackson impression away from being a living minstrel act.

-Jack Black is the host and it kind of reminds me of a few years ago when this really attractive girl threw me a mercy fuck. She was pretty good, but her heart wasn't in it.

-James Blunt wins the first award. He looks like the butthole-baby of Tom Cruise and Beck. I've heard the song "Beautiful" before, but I always thought it was performed by a twelve-year-old girl with a cleft palate.

-I declare shenanigans! Black Eyed Peas win an award, and it isn't for "Worst Group Since the Manson Family Was Arrested". They should be beaten with sacks of oranges.

-It wouldn't be an M-TV award show if Shakira didn't move her fine ass. Her ass shakes like Lindsay Lohan in rehab.

-The fucking awesome Raconteurs are the house band, and that's good news....FOR THE AUDIENCE AT THE THEATER. The TV viewers are stuck with twenty-second song fragments as we go to and come back from commercials. Please fire whoever made this decision, then beat them with the corpses of the Black Eyed Peas.

-Kelly Clarkson is a no-show. She's probably giving Simon Cowell a contractually obligated rimjob.

-The Pussycat Dolls, who have a nightclub in my former place of residence, come out and I'm thinking "Viva las tits and vegASS" but then they collectively give the longest speech in the history of award shows. These aren't smart girls, either. It was as vapid as Paris Hilton reading from Jessica Simpson's diary.

-Speaking of Jessica Simpson, she is amazingly dumb and sounds too much like Anna Nicole Smith for comfort, but at least in this age of anorexia she brings the body.

-The All American Rejects? Are whiny androgynous bands being grown in a field somewhere? Too bad the pesticide DDT is banned.

-Will you stop putting Nicole Richie on television? Please? You are enabling her eating disorder by scheduling these appearances. And more importantly, you're MAKING ME ILL. The sight of her makes me think I'm watching the worst Karen Carpenter biography ever.

-Chamillionaire wins an award and thanks God, who's probably tryin' to catch him prayin' dirty.

-Beyonce makes a grand entrance by dropping from the ceiling. She falls faster than the careers of those other two Destiny's Child chicks.

-It wouldn't be a half-assed celebrity circle jerk without an appearance from Sean "Diddy" Combs. He introduces a rapper named T.I., the self-proclaimed "King of the South". After watching his tone-deaf performance I feel it is my duty as a semi-Southerner to announce that the emperor has no talent.

-Amy Lee of Evanescence and Jared Leto present an award together. Amy Lee looks (a)like a suburban girl who's like, totally taking advantage of her best friend's employee discount at Hot Topic, and (b) embarrassed to be there. As for Leto, it is shocking to see grunge-era icon Jordon Catalano morphed into a foppish dandy. What's next, Chris Cornell in a tu-tu?

-They present an award for Ringtone of the Year. I don't know who won because the all-encompassing lameness of the award made me slip into a temporary coma.

-I thought Panic! At the Disco was okay until I heard them live. Sucky! At the Awards Show.

-Avenged Sevenfold won Best New Artist. They're so new I'd never heard of them before.

-Video director Hype Williams was presented with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award. Since he won an award named after Michael Jackson, Hype took the stage and promptly fondled an eight-year-old boy.

-The "coveted" Viewer's Choice award went to Fall Out Boy. And a cry arose from the huddled masses: "We really like crap."

-Oh my god, who dressed Jennifer Lopez? She looks like a Puerto Rican Judy Jetson. Seriously, Jennifer Lopez can't sing. At all. And she stars in shitty films like Monster-in-Law. Plus, by most accounts she is an unpleasant and difficult human being. Her looks are all she has going for her, and that outfit took them away. She should throw her cell phone at the underpaid lackey who put her in such a wretched ensemble.

-Las Vegas natives The Killers are the closing act, but I have to go to the bathroom so I miss most of it. They're okay, though. Axl Rose introduced them, which is why I had to go throw up.

Next year I'll watch it drunk. Maybe that'll help.


Blogger Mung said...

Every time I get tempted to get cable, I read something like this that reminds me. I'd rather waste my time on the internet.

Thanks for taking one for the team - I'm just not sure which time I'm refering to.

Blogger Phain said...

now i'm really glad i didn't watch

Yayyy! Now I don't have to watch it. Thanks a million Todd. I think that wins you a blowjob.

MTV Sucks. What happened to the days when they actually played music videos on a regular basis?

Blogger Steph said...

Laughing my arse OFF! And i needed that cos ya know, Steve Irwin died and why whole country is losing their collective fucking minds!!!

Blogger MollyNormal said...

Are whiny androgynous bands being grown in a field somewhere?

YES, YES and YES! Excellent observation!

I also agree that the TV audience got screwed out of the Rancoteurs performances. I love Jack White!

Blogger Lushy said...

Statements like "it was as vapid as Paris Hilton reading from Jessica Simpson's diary" are what give you that little place in my heart.

Blogger Trix said...

Just say no, man. Just say no.

Blogger Violet said... I wish Jack Black would throw me a mercy fuck...

Blogger Tits McGee said...

You are right on every count.

I think so anyway. I only watched it in short bursts because I had to keep going into the bathroom to barf.

This was officially my last year of watching the MTV VMAs.

Best ringtone?! Best ringtone???

Blogger Rantin' Ron said...

It's official, I'm fucking OLD.

Not only do I do not care about the MTV Awards...(isn't that somewhat akin to the "Who The Hell Cares" awards...

I recognized maybe five names in the entire post BUT...

You are one funny sumbitch!

You've GOT to be funny when comments about unknown people had me howling!

Too funny.

Blogger Cherry! said...

Black Eyed Peas. UGH! So irritating!

Last year in France I watched the Euro ones ike fifty million times because they replayed it EVERY damn night.

Blogger Flounder said...

Worst Karen Carpenter biography ever?

Your fucking killing me Todd.

Blogger Secret said...

Laughing my ass off AND reading aloud! Love you man.....

P.S. Now I don't feel so bad about not even trying to watch!!!!

Blogger FRITZ said...

oh, man. You summed that up so succinctly, so brilliantly, I don't even have to watch the nine re-runs they'll play in the next seventy-two hours.

Best Ringtone Award?


The Pussycat Dolls?

Fuck me, I'm holing up with The Cure and Elliott Smith. If I'm not careful, I'll slit my wrists and bleed out a portrait of Nicole Richie, bobble-head and all.

What the hell is happening to this world. We're fucking doomed, that's what.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

thanks for the summary!! AND i would have thought you would have been drunk watching this!!! so very dissappointed ;-)

Blogger tlsd said...

Damn you Todds for making me wet myself laughing.

If only I owned a publishing company I'd snap you right up!

The last really good MTV video was The Greg Khin Band's 'Jeopardy' (1983). Riveting. EA Poe-esque. And no rap.

Blogger Shannon said...

Blogger Shannon said...

Sorry, I'll try that again.

Here's something you didn't want to see in the first place.

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

Whoa. That rundown was amazing. No I'm serious. Thank you for the most humorous post of the day.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You need a hug and some brownies.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I wish there was a way to only get local channels, espn's many channels, and HBO.

le chat,
I'm glad you didn't either, because I care about you as a person.

the competition is over. We have a winner in the "BEST COMMENT EVER" contest. You win first, second and third prize. I love you.

Even MTV2 hardly plays music videos anymore. I don't know why bands even bother making them.

laugh all you want, but please don't lose that arse. I love your profile pic; it's like a really hot Cousin It.

they all look exactly alike. It's ridiculous.

I'm glad I don't occupy that little place in the pit of your stomach.

I should have, huh?

hey, I'm a humorous overweight man. Not rich, though.

I'll only watch again to get a good blog post out of it.

I didn't know who some of them were until I saw the show.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'll bet the Euro ones are foppish to the max.

I'm not killing you as fast as Nicole's eating disorder is killing her.

you shouldn't feel bad, unless you wanted to blog about how bad it is.

there's no blood in Nicole. SHe's nothing but skin, bone and an empty space where the soul's supposed to be. Yet I still want someone to make her eat so she doesn't die.

I drank Friday night and a little on Sunday. Does that make you feel better?

if you owned a publishing company that would be a lot cooler.

way to bring the grizzle.

you can still tell she's shapely and all, but come on...

thank you for being so kind.

yes I do. The hug more than the brownies.

Blogger Olga said...

What's next, Chris Cornell in a tu-tu?

That made me laugh so hard I snorted, causing a Jelly Belly to temporarily become lodged in my throat. But it was totally worth it.

Blogger n.v. said...

I love posts like this.

Blogger Nick said...

Is there actually a person that chose the name "mung"?

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