Wednesday, November 01, 2006
My extremist views
Moderation, I'm convinced, is not the answer for the problems we face. I've decided to embrace extremism. Only through my seemingly insane agenda will we as a society be able to survive. I'm also a fan of hyperbole, in case you haven't noticed. When I'm the undisputed king of the whole cunting world (my official title), these are a few of the ideas I'll be promoting.

mandatory abortion
No, not for everyone; don't be stupid. Who will pay the taxes that provide my obscene salary if we wipe out the entire populace? Quite simply, I decide who has an abortion against her will; so be nice to me, potential childbearers.
Relax, I'm only going to use this if Anne Coulter becomes pregnant.

marriage for gays only
I saw a dreadful political ad the other day wherein a dreadful Congressman accused his semi-dreadful opponent of "voting against traditional marriage." That gave me an idea... I'm actually going to do away with marriage between a man and a woman; only same-sex unions from now on. Why? Because I'm fucking sick of people asking me why I'm not married yet. Soon, if I have my way, I'll be able to respond "Because I'm not gay, that's why."

cock-shaped cigarettes
Smoke 'em if you got 'em, America; but that cigarette dangling from your mouth will soon look exactly like a penis. Guys, how cool will you look taking a long draw from a filtered pecker? And for those of you who love the cock, look how small it is.

death penalty by shovel
All criminals sentenced to death will meet their end from the swift, unmerciful justice of a shovel. However, if the sentence is reversed after the suspect has been killed, then the person or persons responsible for his false conviction (stupid jury, crooked lawyer, incompetent judge) will also be put to death. My guess is this will pretty much spell an end to the death penalty in all but the most clear-cut cases.

if you think we should stay in Iraq, you're going there
Are you convinced we should stay the course in Iraq? Then you won't mind going there to fight (and possibly die) so some of our long-suffering troops can come home. Even if you do mind, you're going anyway, or you'll be shot in the head in front of your family. Those of you who think the troops should come home will be allowed to "Nelson" our newest non-volunteer cannon fodder.

And to think I was going to settle for being a mere Congressman. This is much better! Just the other day I was on a ship and I ran to the front and shouted "I'm the undisputed king of the whole cunting world!" I'm never allowed to take a Carnival Cruise again.


25 Comments:

Blogger katarina said...

Can I be your "First Lady"?

Blogger miss kendra said...

i think this is an excellent platform, and i hereby declare (by your powers combined) i am captain planet!

no wait, that's the wrong one.

i declare you ARE king of the whole cunting world! wooooooo!

I'm going to have to challenge you for inter-galactic dominance bro.
My extremist views vs. yours and let the peeps decide. (We might both be assassinated)

Don't worry though, if I win, I will honor our binding nepotism agreement....

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Glub glub glub

blub

blub

*gasp* HELP! HELP ME!

Blogger AMS said...

here here!!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your gay marriage law is THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVVVVVVERRRRR read in my life (and that's not hyperbole, tho I too am a big fan of it)!

Blogger Nick said...

You know, I'd still smoke. Not because I love the cock, but because I'm a fucking addict.

Blogger Nick said...

Oh! Also, I helped this fucking crazy lady last night and she says "you look like one of our fine American soldiers" because I keep my hair very very short and I say "No." Then she says "Oh. Well why not?" and luckily she answered her own question with "It's because you're a pussycat, aren't you?" which presented me the opportunity to say "yes" instead of "I'd rather take my own life than put it in the hands of George Bush." which, while funny, probably wouldn't have worked out to well for me.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

1) Mandatory abortion: I've been telling pro-lifers for years that this exact thing could happen if the government decided that they alone could affect abortion.

2) Marriage for gays only: the more we play this up, the more it makes the homophobes look ridiculous. Also, because I'm not married either and don't want to be :)

3) Cock-shaped cigarettes: this might backfire, because Paris Hilton would smoke even more than she does now. And because guys would find that hot, more young girls would start smoking. For some guys who smoke, small-cock cigs would be simply redundant.

4) Death penalty by shovel: that part about executing the judge and jury is AWESOME! Can we get some stem cells for Nancy Grace so we can execute her a bunch of times?

5) If you think we should stay in Iraq, you're going there:

[thunderous applause]

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

todd? have i ever told you are my hero? the wind beneath my wings? i totally love you and wouldn't mind at all having your child!! you fucken rock!!!

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Tell me again why you aren't running for president in '08? Fuck it...I'm writing your ass in!

Blogger Dawn said...

O.k., so let's practice View #2 so when you are a Congressman you will be able to answer this question without hesitation when asked a zillion times...

"Why aren't you married yet Congressman?"

****Insert your view #2 answer here from your post.***

Thank God my sister and her husband quit smoking. I can't even imagine them smoking cigs in the shape of penises. Well, yes I can. ha-ha

Blogger Brookelina said...

When I am in charge of the world, I'll let you be king.

I'll still be in charge though.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have my vote but I'm not quite sure about abortions for those who piss you off. I more support mandatory abortions for the stupid, unemployed, bigoted, and dull.

Blogger katie schwartz said...

mullet boy, how do you really feel? be honest. come on. you hold back, sweetie, and I think it's time you stop doing that. I'd like to see more opinions.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kat,
you can be one of my ladies. The undisputed king of the whole cunting world will have many, many women friends.

kendra,
thanks for the endorsement. Will you show up at all of my kingly functions dressed as Poison Ivy?

vast,
nepotism is the oil that lubes the gears of politics.

ubie,
those mermen bastards! We'll pretend to save you.

ams,
you can be in charge of Ireland. All of my presidents will be good lookin' young ladies like yourself.

trixie,
thank you. Hyperbole is the best ever!

nick,
I didn't even know you smoked. I can't smell the smoke from your blog.
And I also used the pussycat exemption to avoid military service.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ian,
I'm guessing Paris would switch to those oversized novelty cigars they used to sell at rest stops.

sonrisa,
I want you to have my child, damnit! Let's get started!

little,
I couldn't deal with the scrutiny. And I like to hang out in bars and titty clubs.

dawn,
I'm glad your relatives quit smoking, even though it would have provided you with hours of entertainment.

brooke,
of course you will.

natalie,
no, really, I'd only use it in case of an Anne Coulter pregnancy.

katie,
you want an opinion? You rule.

Blogger Steph said...

Best. Blog. Post. EVARR!

You should rule the world. Official.

I would go lesbian just to marry ann coulter

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have long fantasized of executing assholes with a sharp blow from a coal shovel. But that's usually during rush hour on the EL.

Sound vision for a utopian future my man. I love it.

By the way, i'm so sheltered and innocent, i don't know what a "Nelson" is.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

You really know how to get my motor running, Todd.

Let's make out.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

gggrrrrr, i like it when you get aggressive ;-)

Blogger Mark said...

Can I be your secretary of state or some other office where I simply travel and shake hands? Surely you have some use for a self important diplomat that flies on tax payer dollars right? It's me...evil petting zoo...solethoughts...whatever else blog name I used. I'm blogging again.

Blogger Monkey said...

You have my vote.

Blogger Al Sensu said...

Breastless doesn't have to go lesbian to marry Ann Coulter -p- she's obviously a man, so he only needs to be gay.

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