Sunday, October 22, 2006
Songs that are slowly but surely driving me insane
We listen to a satellite music station at work; the same station every day. The same songs over and over and over.

Most of the songs, of course, suck root. A handful of them, however, are so annoying that I took the time to google key lyric phrases so I could find out the "artists" who are ruining my life. I'd like to share the results with you.

Billy S. - Skye Sweetnam
This song contains the nauseating lyric "I don't need to read Billy Shakespeare". Actually, yes you do, you sub-literate pig vulva. You also might want to check out the works of Al Einstein, Siggy Freud, and Ernie Hemingway. Son of a bitch, I want to hire a teenage girl to punch Skye Sweetnam in her face.

Oh, if you look at the lyrics a little closer, she strongly implies that teachers are only in it for the money. As opposed to moronic pop singers, who suffer for their art.

Geek in the Pink - Jason Mraz
I was fairly certain this song was by putzy troubadour Jason Mraz when I first heard it. Usually, a faux-ghetto slang minstrel show clumsily performed by a geeky white guy is either Mraz or Justin Timberlake, but Timberlake's crappy music at least has production values.

Who Says You Can't Go Home - Bon Jovi
Jon Bon Jovi has never met a cliche he hasn't fully embraced the way Whitney Houston clutches a crack pipe. On this song, he uses them all. If that wasn't enough to make me douse myself with grain alcohol, set myself on fire, and run screaming into the night, this ditty ends with Bon Jovi singing "It's alright...It's alright...It's alright" about a million times.

Every Shitty Song by Those Wimpy Mascara Wearing Bands -Various Artists
Every time I get a supposed reprieve from vapid pop and tuneless R and B ballads, the "rock" song turns out to be from the whiny fuckers in Fall Out Boy and their many clones. They should all get together for a benefit concert so I can pray to God that the stadium collapses. Honorable Mention goes to Every Shitty Song by Someone Who Was Born in the United States Singing in a Fake Jamaican Accent.

Crazy - Simple Plan
Okay, they might fall into the mascara band category, but this song is so horrid and whiny and hamfisted and fucking stupid it deserves to be singled out. One of the "deep" lyrical moments occurs when the singer shrieks "No one cares/no one wants to share/I guess life's unfair". Hey, you're a millionaire who isn't old enough to legally drink; why don't you share, motherfucker! And nice "poetry" there, Walt Whitman.

Are there any songs you hear constantly that drive you crazy? Share them with the rest of the class.


30 Comments:

Blogger Übermilf said...

I am too dumbfounded by the "sub-literate pig vulva" insult.

Blogger Olga said...

Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" makes me want to drive sharpened pencils into my ears so that I never have to listen to it again. I could put a tin bucket on my head and bang on it with wooden spoons and it would be more appealing than that song.

Phew... I feel better now.

Blogger Brookelina said...

You made fun of Jon. I'm very distressed.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I also want to kick that Skye Sweetnam's ass. Not just for her lyrics, but for her ridiculous name. Dumb twat.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I own an Ipod... so i don't HAVE to listen to other peoples music! urgh!
kisses and hugs from Sydney Baby!

Blogger Monkey said...

I'm with tlsd. Being currently unemployed has its benefits. I'm not force fed anyone else's crappy music.

I feel your pain. Earmuffs?

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

This is why I don't listen to radio.
I have however been to three Jason Mraz concerts.
Hope this doesn't mean you no longer want to look at my cleavage.
I mean, respect me for my mind.

Blogger Phain said...

That's it...I'm calling off our wedding. I just don't think I could ever clear out my Jon Bon Jovi "tribute room." I mean - that IS why I purchased the house with the extra bedroom and all...

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

never liked Bon Jovi when they were popular

Blogger MsHellion said...

Margaritaville. Nuff said.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude. A full half of my class agreed to place "Kokomo" on their top 5 desert island songs list.

KOKOMO.

So, y'know, it could be worse. You could be shipwrecked with half of my class.

The other half totally wanted "Margaritaville," so you're not safe with sophomores no matter what.

Blogger Dr. Chingasa said...

I have this problem where I'll hear a shitty moldy oldie in the grocery store and it gets stuck in my head. I'm particularly prone to eighties-era crap. The latest was that jackass Rod Stewart's hit "If you want my body and you think im sexy..."

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

A while back, I blogged a list of the most overrated songs I've ever heard. I've thought of so many more since then, but this is the core list. They're chosen equally for being annoying songs/bands and for being more iconic than they deserve to be.

If I'd written this list two years later, there would certainly be an honorable mention for all those mascara bands. Ecch!

Blogger Übermilf said...

I know this is not a recent hit, but I recently attended a wedding, so... I hate Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock n Roll". Actually, I hate Bob Seger.

I actually haven't heard most of those. It appears I may have finally escaped the clutches of the pop culture whoring little bastards.

OK, I haven't, but it sounded good.

Blogger Shelly said...

"Strokin'" by Clarence Carter. That song blows. And I agree with dr. chingasa and ubermilf on "If You Think I'm Sexy" and "Old Time Rock and Roll". Both of those songs suck.

Blogger Violet said...

Hmmm...when I worked in the service industry, the piped-in music was awful, just awful. My most hated time of year, though, was Christmas because of the meowing-kitty or barking-dog version of any freakin' Christmas carol. I *have* a cat, and she would not be amused.

Blogger JJ said...

You have my pity but not my pardon.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I'm forced to listen to a "smooth jazz" station at work. It is a constant source of agony.

The worst offenders: an unthinkably awful version of that shitty Rob Thomas/Santana song "Smooth" with a flute covering the vocal line, a muzak version of "Rhythm is Gonna Get You" by Gloria Estefan, and Simply Red's "You Make Me Feel Brand New."

Great. Now I've got that last piece of shit song stuck in my head. Fuck.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Too many offensive pieces of shit to name. However, my ears start to bleen when "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley is on......btw....what the fuck is up with his name?

Anything by Black Eyed Peas.

Fergie's face makes my vagina seal in fear.

(incidentally, she's faking her age. My boss went to high school with her, she used to date his friend)

Blogger Übermilf said...

Hey, Shelly -- look!

Blogger miss kendra said...

the pig vulva thing really is awesome.

i can't stop smiling.

i nominate the song chasing cars, by snow patrol, because it's pretty once in a while, but if i hear that milquetoast whine one more time i will kill someone.

and james blunt.

We've been listening to the Velvet Undergound box set every day for the past three years.

We also start each day by accepting a handfull of pills from our fearless leader.

You never know what you're in for when the day starts, but by about 9:15 a.m., it doesn't really matter.

From then on we mostly just paint our toe nails and draw things on each other in highlighter and wait for the sun to go down so we can figure out our MBO's for next year.

Politics is hard.

Who's this Gnarls Barkley kid, anyway? He plays basketball, right?

Oh, also, we listen to "The Superbowl Shuffle" a lot.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ubie,
dumbfounding is my business.

olga,
I liked that song when it first came out. I'm sick of it now, though.

brooke,
Please make it so Skye Sweetnam can't have children.

tlsd,
enjoy your vacation.

monkey,
people who wear earmuffs indoors are usually retarded.

knitty,
I still respect you for your cleavage.

le chat,
the thought you kept the Gimp in the extra bedroom.

lone,
me neither.

mshellion,
hate the song, loved the bar.

erin,
Kokomo might be the worst song EVER; they just don't play it where I work, thank god.

dr. c,
that's why I like Target. They don't play music.

ian,
I don't think any of the songs I mentioned will ever be iconic. At least I hope not.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ubie,
"Old Time Rock n Roll" is putrid. Good call.

andi,
you are smart enough to work/study at places that don't play this crap.

shelly,
"Strokin'" is just creepy, like listening to an old crazy homeless guy sing about fucking.

violet,
novelty Christmas songs are a travesty against god and man.

jj,
what the fuck does that mean?

tits,
okay, you win. "Smooth jazz" is the music of the damned.

little,
the best thing about them is the name. It cracks me up.

monkey,
Fergie and Black Eyed Peas are ghastly. She fakes a lot of stuff, including having any talent.

ubie,
I remember that post.

kendra,
I remember thinking James Blunt was actually a retarded girl. I was right. I'm glad you laughed at pig vulva.

friends of,
in my opinion, the Holy Trinity of Rappers are Tupac, Biggie, and Willie Gault.

Blogger katarina said...

I hate every Bon Jovi song.

Blogger Shelly said...

Thanks, ubermilf. That picture is awesome! The white-boy shuffle, indeed!

Blogger Tracy said...

I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
FUCKING HATE
anything Jennifer Lopez "sings" if that's what you call it.
I worked at a place with a girl who had the local top 40 craptastic radio station tuned for all to suffer through and that bitch was on every hour with "love don't cost a thing"
bitch, it cost me my sanity.

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