Friday, October 20, 2006
"...And you will know her by the trail of funk"
I was at work on Thursday morning when I heard a voice that was both grating and eerily familiar: "Can you help me, please?"

I looked to my right and instantly wanted to burrow through the concrete floor to safety. It was her, the smelly lady, scourge of everyone in the local retail field.

This woman stands about 5'5", has long gray hair pulled into a ponytail, and wears -regardless of the outside temperature - men's boxer underwear as short pants. Oh, one more thing: SHE SMELLS LIKE THE DEVIL'S BEER FARTS!!! Oh, sweet merciful jack o'lantern, she reeks of the funk of the eternally damned. She smells like someone gutted a skunk and filled its rotting carcass with tainted poultry brine. Her stink could knock Mark Foley off a seventeen-year-old's cock.

She asked me to get something off of a high shelf for her. I obliged, but I openly held my breath the entire time. I made no effort to hide the fact that I didn't want to breathe in her hellish odor. She didn't deserve my discretion. Fuck her for leaving the house smelling like a fetid rag used to wipe the top layer of grit from Kevin Federline's foreskin. A dirty sanchez from Screech would have been less a shock to my olfactory senses than her stank ass.

I handed her a bottle of some rotgut shit and abruptly made my exit. I went upstairs and watched from the overlook as the putrid woman proceeded to make our hapless cashier supervisor sorry he didn't die in his sleep the night before. It's funny when it happens to someone else.

Before anyone thinks I'm picking on the less fortunate, let me make it perfectly clear that this woman drives to and from our store in a brand new car. By god, if she can afford a new car, she can afford to introduce her pits and ass to a bar of fucking soap. Or maybe she could fill her bathtub with water instead of urine from the Hounds of Hell. That's just a thought.


23 Comments:

But does she have nice tits?

Blogger Anthony said...

I think that woman has a few cousins in Toronto.

Blogger Steph said...

That is sooo funny. I'm sorry your senses were offended in such a way, but god damn how i laughed!!

Does she smell as bad as that chick that had an acutal green funk mist emitting from her koont at Have A Nice Day Cafe? Maybe they are related.

Blogger Phain said...

grandma???

Blogger Udi said...

LMAO. Damn. How about giving her a can of Fabreeze and tell her that it's on the house.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i would throw up. i hate bad smells.

at my first waitressing job there was this man who came in every friday and he stank so bad.... and he would always order liver and onions.

ew.

Blogger Nick said...

We're all God's Children in the dark.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just think if you were in office you could have her 'disappear' and no one would be the wiser.

You want I should make her meet up with, like, a accident?

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

trying being stuck in a small office with someone like that for about an hour!!! some of my clients do not realize or do not care how they smell. the things we must do for our jobs!!

Blogger Brookelina said...

This post made me gag.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

She has family everywhere, unfortunately for those of us who know what a shower and soap are for.

I'm sorry you had to go through such trauma. What can I do to make it better, Toddy?

Blogger Olga said...

"funk of the eternally damned"
"urine from the Hounds of Hell"


Ever considered a career at Hallmark?

Blogger yournamehere said...

mike,
my guess is no, she does not.

anthony,
I'm sorry.

steph,
your laughter almost makes it all worthwhile. Almost.

vast,
this was more an ass smell than a vadge smell. Apples and oranges, man.

le chat,
she did ask about you.

udi,
she's way beyond Fabreeze.

kendra,
I am now picturing the smelley woman eating liver and onions. Ugh.

nick,
you wouldn't have any problem finding her. Follow your nose.

anathema,
I could throw her in a landfill, but nearby residents would complain about the smell getting worse.

john,
yes. That would be wonderful. Kill her. Please.

sonrisa,
just wait until we're married and I have chili for dinner. Man, you are not going to like that.

brooke,
my post made you gag, huh?

little ol',
you already know what you could do for me.

olga,
those bastards rejected my sample card, "So, you're a complete douchebag..."

Blogger Blonde said...

Thanks so much for making me laugh! I needed it. Sorry it was at your expense....

miss you, baby

Blogger Tits McGee said...

TMI, dear friend. TMI.

Blogger Monkey said...

cashier supervisor sorry he didn't die in his sleep the night before

I too am sorry you had to live through this, but I laughed so hard I cried. Cried I tell you!

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

Be thankful you don't work with teenagers. They reek of young goat all the time.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Maybe she could get a job on Fear Factor.

Blogger yournamehere said...

blonde,
keep on gettin' well, babe. I miss you too.

tits,
I don't mean to offend your delicate sensibilites.

monkey,
don't cry. It'll be okay.

knitty,
smelling like farm animals is all the rage these days.

ubie,
I'd rather eat maggots than smell her again.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

hmm? note to self...leave the room when todd eats chili ;-)

Blogger katie schwartz said...

awww, god love her. so sad. I am forlorn for her. she reminds me of my, "under the big oak tree homeless guy." every girl should have one...

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