Tuesday, October 03, 2006
The Tale of the Racist Retard
On the surface, this story I'm about to tell is politically incorrect. But it's a true story. IT REALLY HAPPENED. How can the truth be un-p.c.? Since it is a true story, all of the names have been changed.

Several years ago, my friend Steve and I ventured to the other side of Louisville to visit our friend Kathy. It was a nice day, so we stood outside talking to Kathy, her younger brother Rob, and Rob's friend Dave, who is black. You'll know in a minute why I mention his race.

As we stood around shooting the shit, I noticed something odd out of the corner of my eye. A young man was walking toward us. He wore a child's cowboy hat with matching (and ill-fitting)vest and holsters with toy cap guns in them.

"That's our next door neighbor, Corky," Kathy said in a hushed tone. "He's retarded."

"No shit? " I whispered. "I thought he just had an adventurous sense of fashion."

I don't remember his real name, but his family called him "Corky". Why? Is that the default name for retarded boys? "Oh, let's name him Josh...unless he's retarded, of course. Then it's Corky all the way."

Corky walked up to our group and presented each of us with a toy badge shaped like a star.

"You're a sheriff," he said to me while handing me a badge.

"You're a sheriff," he said to Steve while handing him a badge.

This scenario repeated itself until Corky got to Dave, the black kid.

Corky looked him up and down and said rather dismissively, "You're a deputy."

Holy shit!! I knew racism was retarded but I didn't know retards could be racist! Needless to say, I shook with spasms of laughter. I didn't want to guffaw in the face of the mentally handicapped so I turned my back to them and ran full speed the other way. I could hear Dave, who was a good kid, say with mock indignation, "What? A black man can't be a sheriff in this town?" For years after that I called him "Deputy Dave."


20 Comments:

Blogger miss kendra said...

my cat is not retarded!

Blogger Brookelina said...

That is the best story ever!!!

Can you really blame Corky? God gave white men big brains, black men big cranks, but what did poor little Corky get? He just wants some lumber swinging between his thighs. How else will he ever score him some choice Louisville cunny? Cut him some slack man.

Jesus, I'm so good when I'm bad, aren't I?

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I wish you could see how hard I'm laughing right now.............you would totally love how my girls are jigglin!

Blogger Ms Smack said...

thats a fantastic story - how is Dave dealing with it? I'm also interested to see the girls jiggling LOL

Blogger Olga said...

Deputy Dave might not be a sheriff, but he's probably gonna see a lot more lady lovin' than racist little Corky ever will.

Blogger Cherry! said...

hahaha! Love olga's comment!

Cool story

Blogger PoppyWill said...

Now thats a Mel Brooks moment. "A black sheriff?!"

Blogger Monalicious said...

I'm with brookelina...best story ever.

Blogger n.v. said...

Oh, please - the black guy was asking for it.

Blogger Rachel said...

Fuck, that's funny right there!

;)


I freakin' LOVE you man. Where the hell have you been?

Blogger Tits McGee said...

That story made me want to yell "SHAZAM!"

Hey bro. I absolutely insist that you tell the "Greatest Story Ever Told." You know the story of which I refer to. Your readership deserves to hear this story. Please grant me this wish. Both I and your readers thank you in advance.

Blogger DickCheney said...

If Corky really knew the "low down", as the Negro Children say, then once he had 4 new sheriffs with him, they would have beat the hell out of the black kid before the situation got out of hand.

Blogger Blonde said...

Thanks for making me laugh...even though it hurts like a motherfucker for me to laugh!

love the new format!

I MISS YOU!!

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

what is the world coming to?... you having to leave in order to laugh!!!

Blogger Molly said...

"I knew racism was retarded but I didn't know retards could be racist!"

that is fucking hilarious.

I've also lost a little respect for retards.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kendra,
I'm sure your pussy is a genius. (Sorry)

brooke,
those stiffs at the Special Olympics kickoff luncheon didn't think so.

john,
Corky had sex with a cardboard box, I believe.

little,
yes, I would enjoy that. Send the video.

ms smack,
I love it when recreational lesbianism makes its way into the comments.

olga,
I think you're right.

cherry,
thanks.

poppywill,
maybe that's it. Maybe Corky is just a big fan of Blazing Saddles.

mona,
you have the world's best silouhette, so I appreciate the compliment.

dena,
thanks for the Canadian perspective. Ha.

Blogger yournamehere said...

rachel,
it was funny when it happened, that's for sure.

tits,
just yell "Shazam" or complete the act that follows the yelling of "Shazam"?

vast,
I don't know if the world is ready for that story yet, my man. I just don't know...

dickcheney,
thanks for visiting my humble blog. I thought "Invade Iraq" was your answer to everything.

blonde,
I miss you and I'm sorry about the accident, babe. You get better as quickly as possible.

sonrisa,
that was a long time ago. I didn't want a retarded guy to start crying in front of me.

molly,
that old show "Life Goes On" made me lose respect for retards.

Blogger FRITZ said...

i work with retarded people.

many of them are racist. a good handful jerk off in public. and i've got one that eats poo.

but your story is awesome.

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