Tuesday, September 19, 2006
My birthday is fast approaching...
My birthday is this coming Sunday; September 24 for the date-obsessed among you.

Last year, at the old, recently demolished viva las vegASS site, I created a slight controversy by asking for boobie pics for my birthday. Actually, the controversy was contained to a few prudish types who retreated back to their shanties to live a humble life of churning butter and hand-washing their husband's hairshirts, never to visit this blog again. Sadly, it wouldn't be the last time my perversions cost me readers.

So this year, being a little wiser and free from the oversexed shackles of Sin City, will I ask for tit-tay photos again? YOU BET YOUR SWEET JIGGLING PAIR I WILL! But I'm going to add a few other suggestions. Here is my list:

Boobie pics: Ladies, any pics of your sweater pals in any state of undress you feel comfortable with would be greatly appreciated.

Camel toe: If you don't want to show your boobies, how about stuffing this year's crotch into last year's pants? Camel toe is really the only reason I go to certain bars. Please, guys, no man-el toe! All man-el toe photos will be sent to the FBI for identification, and you will be hunted down and killed execution style.

An original composition featuring a humorous use of irony: Girls, I love you for your minds, too. Not as much, of course, but if you fancy yourself a writer send me your work and I'll casually glance at it while I'm ogling the boobie pics.

A hat: Winter is coming and I don't have enough hats. My head is kinda large, FYI.

Baked goods: Fat guys like baked goods. We didn't get fat NOT liking baked goods.

Beer: If you're lucky enough to have a good craft brewery that bottles its own beer in your town, pack up a bottle and send it to me. I'll think of you while I'm drinking it. If you're female, I'll picture you naked while I'm drinking it.

Recreational lesbianism: Girls, if you happen to have a picture of yourself and a "very close" girlfriend playing a little barroom tonsil hockey, feel free to send it this way.

Boobie pics: Oh, right...I already mentioned this. It bears repeating, though. Send boobie pics.

What I really want for my birthday is a good ol' fashioned blowjob, but no one is going to catch the next plane to Louisville in order to step up to the mic, so I'll be forced to troll this town's sleazy bars and taverns looking for a woman wearing beer goggles as thick as a deep dish pizza.

My email address can be found by clicking "email" at the right side of this page. Whatever you do, don't click where it says "Whatever you do, don't click here". Really, just don't.

Thanks in advance for the overwhelming outpouring of indifference this post is sure to generate.


34 Comments:

Blogger Steph said...

I don't think you're aksing too much.
Easily pleased so you are! Bless.

Blogger Phain said...

"you've got mail"

;)Phain

Well I was going to offer a blowjob but if you prefer the beer goggled....

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I'll have to get to work on this immediately.

Happy birthday big man. Glad you had your b-day present list posted. I am going to fulfill some of those wishes. First , you get my autographed photo of Nancy Pelosi and Madeline Albright sucking face, my 8 x 10 glossy of Hillary's bulge ..oops.. sorry I meant camel toe, and of course, a can of Brett Favre Beer and a NY Yankee skull cap. Enjoy. By the way.. have a date Friday night with a face painter friday. Hope the eyes dont get glued shut.

Blogger Nick said...

This is genius.

Blogger Flounder said...

Using a blog as a registry? I think that you are onto something Todd.

Blogger Monkey said...

I lack boobies, but the so called "camel toe" photo is on it's way. Oh yes, it is.

Blogger Cherry! said...

Sadly, I'm as flat as a pancake.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You'll get nothing and like it.

Blogger MsHellion said...

Seriously, you know you'd shit your pants if I sent you a boobie pic. How about we start small, like maybe an ankle pic?

Blogger Cold Hands said...

did you really ask for camel toe pics?

that is why we love you.

I am going to aim for the recreational lesbianism pics, I will do my best. I would doa boobie shot, but it simply isnt the same as a flash in the parkign lot of some random hotel in Vegas now is it?

Blogger Cold Hands said...

wow could i have misspelled any more words in that last comment? Apparently I was very excited.... very excited indeed.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Well, I'd send you some boobie pics, but I'm sure mine don't rate anywhere near what some of your lovely female readers warrant. Plus, I can't bake for shit.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

...let me go check when the next flight to Louisville is ;-)

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I guess this means you don't want another Phyllis Diller birthday tribute? Crap.

Blogger miss kendra said...

you know i clicked.

i'll send you pictures, but i cannot guarantee their quality.

also, can we be assured that these pictures will be safe in your possession?

Blogger Dawn said...

Well, no beer here, but my dad who lives in West Virginia makes a mean moonshine. I'm not kidding. Some old timer taught him how to make it a few years ago. I'm not proud. lol

If that doesn't work for you, I do make some mean choc. chip cookie dough brownies. They are delish!!

Blogger Burr-ee-toe said...

Hey, my birthday is on Saturday! Woo hoo! Go Libra!

Blogger yournamehere said...

steph,
then I suppose that means your boobie pic/camel toe shot/recreational lesbian photo is on the way?

le chat,
I love you.

andi,
darling, if you can be here by Sunday, I'll pick you up at the airport.

tits,
I'm not sure if that's sarcasm or not; but I look forward to your "gift".

breastless,
Brett Favre has a beer? Let me quess: It was good five years ago?

nick,
after the one photo I've received, I consider this a success. Anything else is a bonus.

flounder,
watch out if I ever get married.

monkey,
we have a saying "It's hotter than monkey pussy outside", but I don't know if I want to see monkey pussy.

cherry,
uh, camel toe? Recreational lesbianism? The pancakers can still contribute!

Blogger yournamehere said...

ubie,
nothing? I added the baked goods option with you in mind.

mshellion,
I've known you almost ten years and have seen your face, your hands and your (non-erogenous) tattooed area. Yes, it would surprise me if you sent me a photo of your breasts.

cold hands,
yes, the hotel parking lot flash was something special, something for which I can never begin to repay you. But wow, I would love a rec lesb action shot.
And I was very excited reading your first comment...very excited indeed.

cincy,
your blog friendship and patronage is all I ask for.

sonrisa,
Just let me know, my dear.

pants,
you had a really nice picture of your "Pants" t-shirt on your blog recently. I guess that will have to do.

kendra,
not only have I never shared any of the pictures I received last year, I didn't reveal any identities unless they themselves revealed it first. I am a perv with a sense of ethics.

dawn,
did you say choc. chip cookie dough brownies? I think I love you!

burr,
that means you can celebrate your birthday on Saturday, get wasted, take some pictures, and send them to me. Either way, Happy Birthday Saturday.

Blogger Monkey said...

monkey,
we have a saying "It's hotter than monkey pussy outside", but I don't know if I want to see monkey pussy.


Oh, but you do. And monkey hoo-hah is no hotter than a warm day in Borneo.

and if it doesnt get better it should volunteer to be shelved in the beer hal of fame

Blogger Brookelina said...

You want a beer. You want a hat. You want a beer hat!

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Ye better prepare fer a buxom birthday surprise, ye scurvy dog!

ARRRRRRRRR!!!

Blogger Hulkster said...

"Man-el toe?" I believe the term you're scratching around for is "mule knuckle."

Blogger 3.14 said...

ok so i was curious and just HAD to press the button.....(never again)
anyway happy early birthday, hope all your wishes come true! *wink.

Blogger tlsd said...

Can I give you an extra long belated birthday present when I see you?

;0)

Blogger Trix said...

I'm on it. Boobie pics for you on Sunday. Anything for you, Todd.

Blogger Shannon said...

Happy Birthday!

Blogger da buttah said...

just for you...tomorrow i shall ressurect my sluttiness and post my sweater puppets on the world wide web..

you better love me.

Blogger Olga said...

So, what exactly does a girl get in exchange for a shot of her boobs?

Blogger afromabq said...

todd, you make a girl wanna be naughty....how do you do that??

Blogger Crystal said...

I think I participated last year. Did I? Were they nice? I can't remember, because, at 7 months pregnant, they have come to life and eaten my fucking head.

Happy belated, Todd. I truly hope it was a great birthday!

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