Friday, September 29, 2006
Don't encourage them
Since I work at a gihugemous liquor store, we have copies of Wine Spectator magazine in the break room. Today I was flipping through the latest issue and found this excerpt from an article by someone named Mark Pendergrass. The article tackled the issue of substandard coffee served at fancy restaurants. Here are a few helpful hints from Mark:

"Treat the cup as if you were being presented a bottle of wine. Smell your brew as soon as it is served. If it isn't aromatically appealing, it's probably not going to be satisfactory in the mouth. Take a small sip to see, and then if necessary, politely ask the waiter to bring you a freshly brewed cup."

Yeah, that's a good idea, sending back the coffee. On one hand, the scalding hot temperature of the brew will probably deter the kitchen staff from placing their collective cock-n-balls directly into the cup; however, it won't stop them from turning your beverage into a bodily fluid horn-of-plenty.

I'm not suggesting that anyone pay for bad coffee, but a better idea might be to have it taken off the bill and then make a stop at one of the FIFTY coffeehouses you'll pass on the way home.

Oh, but ol' mister helper Mark Pendergrast isn't finished yet. He continues:

"If even a fresh cup doesn't taste good, talk to the manager. Find out where he or she gets the beans, how long they have been on the shelf, what brew proportion is used, how the water is tested. Make the manager aware that customers expect coffee service to be more than an afterthought."

NO!! Please for the love of Cunty McCunterson don't do any of those things! The world DOES NOT need another needy, entitled consumer. For Mark Pendergrast to give the overpriviledged, spoiled subscribers of Wine Spectator expressed written consent to be giant pains in the arse is inexcusable! By all means, he's saying, waste the restaurant manager's time with coffee questions so obscure they would make Juan Valdez's nuts shrivel. He's just some dumb service industry dork who has nothing better to do than listen to your yuppie minutiae.

Hey, why stop there? What's this asshole's next article? "I think a waiter who serves you an inferior cup of coffee should have it thrown in his face. His permanent scars will serve as a stark reminder of his lower station in life."

I will give the guy credit for one thing: He gave perfect advice to all ladies who may find themselves on the business end of a blowjob: "If it isn't aromatically appealing, it's probably not going to be satisfactory in the mouth."


Blogger Hey Jo said...

Considering that most restaurants get their coffee out of little tinfoil pouch, sending it back won't do much good.

Blogger Dale said...

Hilarious. You need to be doling out the advice, not Murky Mark.

Blogger Dawn said...

Thanks for the laugh tonight. ;0

I know there are people like Mark Pendergras in the world and I usually try to ignore them. But, it sucks when they show up in publications like Wine Spectator and spew forth their contempt for the people of the lower stations in life.


Blogger Steph said...

If i were the hapless waitress who served that twat. I'd make him another cup and cough up the biggest phlegm ball the world has ever seen straight into it.
How you like your coffee now wankstain?

Blogger josh williams said...

Yes I would not want to be a loathed sports figure, hatemonger/politician eating out just think what those poor fuckers end up eating? I will not send back food, I have known to many people behind the swinging doors, shit happens.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Now that's a campaign slogan!

"Todd. Aromatically appealing, satisfactory in the mouth."

Blogger Egan said...

Jesus, this guy is a moron. You'd think he never worked a day in a restaurant.

Blogger Ms Smack said... might change your mind about 'lower station in life' comment.

Blogger yournamehere said...

it's best to cut your losses and go to Starbucks.

I don't think Wine Spectator would "get me".

Wine Spectator has some interesting articles on wine and food, but they need to lose the attitude.

if I ever make you mad, I'd prefer a spanking, thank you.

I saw a woman in Las Vegas send back a three dollar steak. I hope that was worth having the chef use her "new" steak" as taint floss.

will you print t-shirts that say that?

I'm sure this guy's hands have never been dirty.

ms. smack,
I love waiterrant. LET ME MAKE SOMETHING PERFECTLY CLEAR: I DO NOT think servers have a lower station of any kind. My comment was meant to imply that Mr. Pendergrast, based on what he wrote, held that opinion.

When I lived in Las Vegas it wasn't uncommon for servers to make a hundred thousand dollars a year or more. A friend of a friend was a VIP host, which is a cocktail waitress/bartender, who made over five hundred grand a year working four shifts a week.

However, even if a waiter works at a Denny's and struggles to get by, I still don't think their occupation puts them in any kind of lower station.

Blogger Monkey said...

a bodily fluid horn-of-plenty

It's gems like these that keep me tuned in. Good Lord... thank you for the fit of hyena like laughter.

Your friend,
Monkey, a former waitress

(I know, I know... I'm a boy, but I was a waitress anyway.)

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

The next bit of advice will probably be:

"Since you're obviously unemployed due to your excessive bitching, use the opportunity to suggest that they hire you as a food quality consultant. When the the entire restaurant staff starts to mob you, take solace in the fact that they have a lawsuit coming to them."

Seriously... crazy people

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Good advice for baristas or managers put in this situation: tell the pretentious yuppie prick that the beans come straight from the feces of Argentinian hyenas. They EAT UP that crap! Then, as a goodwill gesture, shit in their next cup.

A bodily fluid horn-of-plenty? That is absolutely priceless!

You are right. That cup of returned coffee would look like a vat of egg drop soup!

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Dude has WAY too much time on his hands!

Blogger Übermilf said...

Some people have no where to live. Or no health insurance. Or no job. Or live paycheck to paycheck. Maybe they or their parents or their children have just been diagnosed with cancer or some other possibly fatal disease.

But all that pales in comparison to being served a slightly disappointing cup of coffee.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Oh, by the way? Poor Juan Valdez.

Blogger Claudia said...

I think we have found ourselves our newsest literary critic!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Take gratification from the knowledge that returning coffee is the highlight of the cocksuckers evening. From the Exerpt you've elightened us with I'd say he normally eats alone... the waitress/manager is probably the only person he's spoken to in weeks...

Blogger miss kendra said...

did you ever see the series of articles that basically encouraged people to complain about small thing until they were given their meals for free?

that was the same time i quit waitressing.

Blogger yournamehere said...

did patrons complain frequently of hair in their food?

some people aren't satisfied unless they're making someone's life miserable.

that's a great idea, on both counts.

the spoon will stand up in that cup.

I know. It's a schedule I envy, but I'd like to think I wouldn't be such a prick.

I'm glad you understand the Wine Spectator philosophy.

Actually, Mrs. Valdez is the injured party here.

I'll take that job. Isn't this where I make a gratuitous comment about your hotness? I'll spare you this ONE time.

I think you hit the nail on the head.

whoever wrote those articles should be shot in the face.

All coffee tastes like rusty, ashy sphincter. Dunno why anyone needs advice.

Blogger MMM said...

i laughed.

i would say

lol or lmao

but iastotsi

(i am so tired of those stupid initials)

anyway, you are funny.

Blogger Ms Smack said...

ok honey :)

Blogger Crystal said...

I was a bartender for years. The worst thing I ever did was give someone a watered down drink.

I'm a pussy.

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