Saturday, October 07, 2006
It's been a long time since I last posted about stupid people at Starbucks
You'd think that by now everyone in America has been inside a Starbucks. Yes, I know some people still insist on living in small towns, and that's very Norman Rockwell of you, but if you aren't a farmer it's time to move to where the people are. Damn, I'm already "off point".

Okay, so I'm in my medium-sized American city on Saturday morning and I'm behind someone who has never been in a coffee house of any kind ever in her life. No, she wasn't Amish or iron lung-addled, but she was cunt-all stupid; and she almost made me late for work.

Let me give you a written transcript of the gut-knotting conversation between the saintly patient Starbucks employee and the fucking reflict customer (A reflict is someone who is both retarded and afflicted).

fucking reflict: "Do you have tea?"
patient employee: "Yes. We..."
fucking reflict (interrupting): "I just want a tea. What kind of tea do you have?"
patient employee: "We have black tea, green tea, and passion tea."
fucking reflict: "Which one is the regular tea?"
patient employee: "The black tea."
fucking reflict: "That's just a plain tea, the black tea?"
patient employee: "Yes."
fucking reflict: "There's no lemon in that?"
patient employee: "No."

It went on for several minutes. When the reflict asked what the sizes were, I think I audibly sighed.

Yes, I know it is strange that Starbucks says tall, grande and venti instead of small, medium and large. I realize this. Yes, it is out of the ordinary and they don't do that at McDonald's. I'm aware. But this particular Starbucks tries to quell any confusion by placing, right next to the cash register, a display that shows the three cup sizes. This is almost reflict-proof. Almost.

The miracle moron points to the cup in the middle and asks "What size is this?"

Hmmmm, let's see. There are three cups and you just pointed at the one in the middle. The first cup is smaller than the middle cup; the third cup, larger. IT'S A MEDIUM, YOU SLURRY-BRAINED OAF!!! When there are three sizes, the one in the middle is always medium. It doesn't matter what the marketing department chooses to call it. If the sizes are called fuck, twat, and blumpkin, and twat is in the middle, then twat is a god damned medium. At this point I was too blinded by rage to really notice, but I think she paid for her tea with farthings.


Blogger Phain said...

At least she didn't pay for the tea with a check.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I had an idiot in front of me at a sandwich place the other day. She actually asked if the American cheese was yellow or white. I wanted to take the block of cheese and beat her to death with it.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey hey hey now, small towns have their positives (no, really) and just because she was an addle-brained twat doesn't mean she came from a small town.

Although, she probably is from a small town. In fact, I think she's my neighbor. Dammit.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I discovered yesterday that a "venti" makes as big a mess as a "large" when you spill it on your desk.

You have the patience of Job. I'd be in prison awaiting arraignment for homicide.

I refused to call them venti, grande and whatever.. thats fuckin annoying ! As a true Italian from NY, its .." gimme a dis one.. whatever yuz guys call it" Can't anything stay the way it has always been? They even have to fuckin change the names of the size coffee we drink.. I am gonna order those sizes everywhere else I shop. I wear grande shirts but my inseam is venti.!

Blogger Flounder said...

I hate Starbucks. I always feel like a reflict when I go there.

Just give me a medium coffee-flavored coffee dammit!

Dunkin Donuts kicks ass!

Blogger Steph said...

Reason 1,465 why i hate people.
Fuckers like that should stay home and not mess with the rest of us able-brained humans.

Blogger katie schwartz said...

stupidity can be a life sucking vortex from hell.

I was ordering a medium drip coffee at starfucks and I said I'd like room for cream, please.

she says, ok, and 3 seconds later hands me a small coffee with absoluely no room for cream.

perplexed, I said, that's a small. I want a medium with room for cream.

she fills up the medium with room for cream and asks me if it's enough room. well, I'm not a picky bitch, I swear, but it was 1/3 full. I like cream with my coffee, not coffee with my cream.

so, whoreena comes back with a FUCKING SMALL COFFEE FILLED TO THE BRIM.

I feel your pain, bubbie.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

How do we vote the reflicts off the island?

Blogger Olga said...

"...then twat is a god damned medium"

I'll never be able to order my coffee without giggling again.

"I'd like a twat coffee with a shot of cream."

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love coffee shops but I still look at the menu like I have never seen it before. And if I say grande,venti or whatever, it is usually mumbled and i usually pick the wrong one and say "Oh no,I meant the other size."

Also, I have to say "no foam, no flavor, no space for cream, just give me the damn coffee."

I order an Americano...which is watered down espresso...but I usually have to explain to the coffee making employee (barista??!!) what I mean because Americano isn't on the menu.

PS don't stand behind me in line or I will purposely keep you waiting just to piss you off.

Blogger miss kendra said...

you speak for us all, wise one.

Blogger EEK! said...

Speaking of serving twats, I meant what I texted last night - the bartenders at Uncle Pleasants are all total bung beetles and must be replaced with my friends and loved ones at once. Please do go see if you can pull off a coup - you'd be the best bartender in town.

I'm all for a "blumpkin" sized latte!

Oh, and by the way, tell us "The Story" you bastard.

Blogger Violet said...

Yeah, I had a blumpkin-sized, 2%, no-whip laughter reaction to that post! I don't know what's worse - your experience, or the time I saw a dyed-in-the wool redneck recite a perfect order for some concoction that I didn't even recognize. I was thinking - ye gods, man! You're a *redneck*.

Ohyeahso...what's the story, eh? Eh!?! Inquiring minds want to know.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I thought twat was always in the middle.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've never once been inside a Starbucks....

I'm like a mutant...or a senior citizen. ;)


Blogger yournamehere said...

le chat,
if Starbucks took checks, I would never go in them.

being "picky" is how stupid people try to be in control of situations.

I don't think she came from a small town, at least in Kentucky, because she didn't smell of moonshine and cow shit.

spinning girl,
there's a pamplet available at Starbucks that explains that very fact in excruciating detail.

when you're on death row, I'll be dealing with the fifteen-pound ulcer in my stomach.

regardless, you know the one in the middle is medium. In New York they would have skipped this woman and taken my order.

I like the donuts at Dunkin' Donuts, but their coffee gives me the butt-leaks.

that's a lot of reasons to hate people. You're like a young, attractive, female version of me.

I'm serious, every Starbucks has a different personality. You were in an "incompetent" Starbucks. There are also "friendly", "efficient" and "rude" Starbucks. "Friendly" is the one you want to hang out in. My "friendly" Starbucks in Vegas gave me free bags of coffee for Christmas last year. "Efficient" is where you want to go if you're in a hurry. There was another place in Vegas that would have my mocha waiting for me, piping hot, before I finished paying for it.

Blogger yournamehere said...

just wave shiny objects at them.

I have that shot of cream for you.

were you in Louisville, KY the other day? I'd probably give you a pass because I like your cleavage.

if I was wise like Yoda, I'd use my Jedi mind control to convince chicks they really want me.

I think Uncle Pleasants wants to be like that. I think they equate bad service with being "edgy".

I knew you were one of them latte sippers! You'll be sharing my political views in no time.

if you were in the deep South, sometimes even professional people have thick accents. Brain surgeons sound like Larry the Cable Guy.

I love you.

you are probably a better person for having never been in one of those legal crack dens.

Blogger Monkey said...

I'm with Olga. I'll take a twat latte with extra milk.

It would appear this particular reflict missed some key lessons in kindergarten. How sad.

Blogger Shannon said...

Holy shit, I laughed so hard I snorted in my cubicle.

Now I need to pretend this Access database is a real fucking hoot. Gee, thanks.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I take you shopping with me sometime? I need you in the times that people are writing checks when they should be using a debit card. Who the hell writes checks anymore? I know, probably the same people that can't order a venti chai tea.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, If I am at Starbucks in Louisville and see you, I will flash you! Except you will have to be wearing the Donkey mask or I won't know it is you! (-:

Blogger Egan said...

I loved reading the comments on this post.

Blogger n.v. said...

I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that she was Canadian.

People who say "dollars to doughnuts" should die.

I'm going to watch Degrassi Junior High now.

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