Tuesday, October 17, 2006
That's it...I'm running for Congress
After seeing the crooks, morons, stiffs, losers, ne'er-do-wells, strumpets, rapscallions, bad actors, nincompoops, dorks, effete latte-sippers, fear mongers, bigots, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads, and semi-literate yokels who are running for public office this time around, I've decided to run for Congress in 2008. I don't see how I'm any worse than these people.

The two years will give me time to lose weight and find a wife. You can't be a Congressperson without a spouse, not in this highly charged post-Foley political landscape. I think it will be easy to find a wife once the pounds melt away and the Todd-for-Congress juggernaut starts rolling along. Who doesn't want to be married to a less-fat member of the United States House of Representatives?

But Todd, one of you may or may not be asking, what are your positions on the issues? I'll be running on a pro-recreational lesbian, anti-douchebag platform, naturally. Some of my other big ideas include:

Nepotism: I'm going to fix it so my brother doesn't have to pay any taxes. This way he won't openly campaign against me.

Let's Execute Karl Rove on Pay-Per-View: The revenue generated will more than compensate for the taxes my brother won't be paying.

Move the U.S. Capitol to Las Vegas: Yeah, I know I just moved away from there, but think of the VIP treatment I'd get as a member of Congress. Fucks yeah! And when I got sick of the place after a few days I could take my taxpayer-funded jet back to my home district in Louisville.

Easy government jobs for blogger friends: Those of you who've read this crap for over a year deserve to make a hundred grand for licking stamps.

I'm going to let Bill Clinton give campaign speeches for me while he's getting blown: "My fellow Americans, I know two things: Todd will make a heckuva Congressman, and I'm balls deep in this bitch's mouff." Man, will that piss off Fox News!

Let's put "Fuck Tom Cruise" on the new dollar bill: And maybe replace George Washington's mug with an image of Cruise sucking off a donkey. What's he gonna do, sue the United States government?

Louisville needs an In-n-Out Burger franchise: There aren't any In-n-Outs east of Arizona, but I plan on being the most powerful freshman Congressman in our nation's history, so I think they'll see things my way.

No check writing in retail stores: If I get this passed, I'll be popular with everyone but old people and crooks who write bad checks.

Make Baby Got Back our National Anthem: I was going to suggest Prince's Pussy Control, but I'm the last person who wants to offend any delicate sensibilities.


32 Comments:

Blogger Steph said...

I'll become a US citizen just to vote for you....It is easy right? Becoming a citizen......No? Oh...Ok then. I'll just make you posters and shit.

Blogger EEK! said...

Don't forget "better cafeteria food!"

Call 555-Zack to show your support!

Blogger Übermilf said...

I'll start baking some campaign cupcakes immediately.

Blogger Flounder said...

If you promise to get me a Waffle House in Connecticut, then I will support you.

I'll get Papa John Schnatter to back you financially by blackmailing him with some "authentic" pictures of him with a goat and a 12 year-old boy.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

So does this mean you're accepting marriage proposals again? I'd make a great conservative foil as your spouse. Although...you'd have to bring someone in to train me to keep my mouth shut. I might disagree with you and I hear that's a big no-no.

(And being conservative does not make one a Republican, so bite your tongue)

Blogger treespotter said...

i might just vote for you except that i am too delicate i think.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

sweetie i will be right next to you!! supporting you all the way!!!...i hope my being a stripper before doesn't ruin things for you ;-) we ARE still getting married, right?

Todd... while you're at it would you please build some stocks to be placed in the center of The District and put the nads of the President of Pulte Homes and all his decision makers in them. This way I can go by on a daily basis and beat them nuts silly with my forcloser letters and my bankruptcy papers. Oh... and lower the price of top shelf tequila so I can go out drinking more often. Thank you.

Blogger miss kendra said...

"less-fat" made me laught outloud.

your campaign seems to be based on solid logic to me, which means you're destined for greatness.

i'll make campaign buttons. initially, i typed muttons, and that would work too.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Yeah, are you gonna marry Sonrisa? Because I've got to rent tables and chairs and hire a caterer and stuff. You're having the wedding in my back yard, right? The ÜberGirlies already have flower girl dresses.

Blogger FRITZ said...

i would like to design the float.

how do you feel about combining
"The Simple Life" with Rove's execution?

Nicole and Paris could fight for being the flip-switcher.

now, that's a campaign platform if there ever was one.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Sweet ... I'll be your campaign manager and create sleazy ads about Karl Rove and the rest of the GOP. I'll even come up with snazzy slogans like "An In 'n' Out in every town and a hot chick smoking pot in every home".

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

yay!!! i'm having my wedding in chicago!!! not that i would mind having it louseville but really chicago is waaayyy more fun..plus ubermilf has offered her back yard!!! sounds like she knows what she is doing...thanks ubie!!

Blogger Brookelina said...

Fuck Congress, run for President.

I was just kidding. Don't fuck Congress. Bunch of ungrateful whores they are.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Can I be your campaign manager? I promise to flash my tits every 30 minutes!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please pass the no check writing bill. You'd have my lifetime vote. If you need someone to launder your campaign kickbacks, I'm your man.

Blogger Olga said...

I agree with Brookelina. Run for president.

I'll get my blue dress ready for when you are in the Oval Office.

I'll vote for you, but only if you promise to introduce legislation to change our National Anthem to 'Afternoon Delight' by Starland Vocal Band or 'Achey Breaky Heart' by Billy Ray Cyrus. We all love us some post-lunch sex, after all, and what better defines a huge swath of America than a song about love gone awry from a mullet-sporting guy with bad skin?

Buddy, you do away with my egregiously oppressive, capitalism crushing tax burden, and I'll be you f'ing campaign mangager!

(Just as long as you also set it up so I can't be arrested for beating Harry "Dingy" Reid unmerciful.)

I'm already working on the bumper stickers.

Blogger yournamehere said...

steph,
a little known secret: It's easy for hot chicks to become citizens. You're a shoe-in!

erin,
was that a Saved by the Bell reference?

ubie,
they may be a tad stale by 2008.

flounder,
how ironic. There's a Waffle House less than a mile from me, but I'm disgusted by the place. John Schnatter will be buying the concession rights for our new arena, so we'll see how much money he has left.

ddl,
you can disagree with me. Why would you think otherwise?

treespotter,
hey, I conceded on the whole "Pussy Control as National Anthem" issue. What more do you want?

sonrisa,
the fact that you used to be a stripper is the hottest thing EVER. And now you're an advocate for the terminally ill? You are the proverbial stripper with a heart of gold. I SO want to marry you.

Mike,
jesus, is that true? Dude, I will use my powers to crush Pulte homes. I'll be in town for Draper's wedding in May and I'll buy you a shot of Patron.

kendra,
I'll never be thin; less-fat is what I'm shooting for. And with your support I'll surely sweep into Washington with a landslide victory.

ubie,
I've always had my heart set on a wedding at Lebowski Fest, but we'll see. It is generous of you to offer.

Blogger yournamehere said...

fritz,
did you ever see the recreational lesbian kiss scene in Cruel Intentions? I'd like a float based on that, please.

cincy,
If the democrat wins the seat this year (fat chance, but who knows?) I'll have to run against him in the primary. It won't be hard, because he's the dullest human alive.

sonrisa,
honey, we can get married anyplace you like.

brooke,
in the past, did you fuck Congress? Because you sound bitter.

little ol',
I promise to stare at them every thirty minutes, and I'm a politician who keeps his promises.

anathema,
I will need those services. Thanks for offering.

olga,
you wouldn't blow a Congressman? Or a guy who writes a blog you read? Come on, be a sport.

john,
I'll consider 'Afternoon Delight' but only the version performed by the cast of Anchorman.

vast,
"beating Harry Reid" sounds dirty.

You're sick. Now regale us with "The Story"

Blogger Nick said...

If I'm to support you, I demand that you call your brother "Bra" all the time.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

SHAZAM!

I'd like to volunteer to join the campaign as Bill Clinton's fluffer, please.

Also, I'm pretty sure I love you. If I weren't already married, I would totally be your First Lady. So long as you didn't mind me sucking off the ex prez.

Blogger ETaylor said...

Let's put "Fuck Tom Cruise" on the new dollar bill....This made me laugh outloud. You are the funniest!

Todd,
It's true. Soon I will be giving $5 handjobs to visitors at the airport and carrying a sign saying "will work for tequila". Thank you Pulte Builders.. may you develope an incurable case of facial herpes. Do I sound bitter? And to Vast... I'll help you flog Harry !

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

you DO like me!!! you DO like me!!!...

Blogger Trix said...

TODD FOR PRESIDENT!!!

Can I do a documentary of your campaign?

Blogger Jess Riley said...

Well, you've definitely got positions I can agree with on all of the issues important to me.

Sign me up for the poster-making committee.

Blogger Dawn said...

One of my husband's customer's was an engineer in charge of Tom Cruise's office space at Paramount. This poor engineer hated Tom and not to mention his agent who also had an office right next to Tom's. His bitch agent had to have her office temp always set at 90 degrees. I kid you not. And my husband said that when Tom Cruise had to walk through the building to get to his office, noone was allowed to look at him because he was a higher up / priest of the Church of Scientology and if you looked at him it was disrespectful. So they all literally had to look down while he walked by. What a fucking jerk, eh? Everyone was so deliriously happy when Paramount fired his ass!

Oh and kudos about check writing. Since I read this post a few days ago, I have been stuck behind elderly check writers at every store I've been to. Not kidding! Even the cashiers were impatient with these people.

Blogger yournamehere said...

vast,
in due time.

nick,
my polls indicate that I don't need your support.

tits,
as long as you're cheating on your husband with Bill Clinton, getting it on with me couldn't do any harm.

etaylor,
isn't it time we had a Congressman who views the entire political system with utter contempt?

mike,
you'll never get five bucks for a handjob as long as illegal immigrants are willing to do it for 3.50.

sonrisa,
of course I do.

trix,
yes. I'm apparently getting married in your hometown, so why not. Since most powerful men have extra marital affairs, I'd like to talk to you in private. Email me.

jess,
I'll arrange for a campaign stop at a Barnes and Noble in Louisville, and you could show up, endorse me, and sign copies of your book. It's foolproof.

dawn,
Jessica Alba was a guest on the last season of 90210 and she said she wasn't allowed to look at or address the "stars" of the show off camera. How crazy is that?

Blogger Egan said...

Jessica Alba was horrible on 90210. Not that any of them standout as actors, but her character was weak. She wouldn't give up her baby to a gay couple until Kelli Taylor got her to see the light. Who says Aaron Spelling shows don't tackle the topics of today?

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