Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I meet the Republican Medusa; the Bedazzler revisited

This is a picture of U.S. Representative Anne Northup standing next to President Bush back when she wasn't avoiding him like the plaque. She's running for reelection and doesn't even mention in her ads that she's a Republican. She is a Republican, though; she's the Republican Medusa, and this past Sunday she momentarily turned me to stone.

I was at a street festival on Sunday afternoon, enjoying the unseasonably warm temperature and looking at chicks, when a voice said to me, "Hey, how are you doing?" It was said with a familiarity which made me think it was a long-lost friend, or at least an acquaintance. No, it was Congresswoman Anne Northup.

Damn my tall stature! In a crowd I stand out like a turd in a punchbowl, leaving me an easy target for change-hawking hippies and vote-seeking political twits. I looked on in horror as Anne Northup smiled at me, a frightening smile like the one in that picture. President Bush has a look on his face like he just smelled one of her pussy-farts, but that's for another post.

She said something, but fuck if I can tell you what it was. I just stared at her, motionless, speechless, without a thought in my head. She gave me a sticker. I turned and immediately started laughing to myself. I guess it's good that she Medusa'd my brain and vocal chords. It really isn't a good idea to verbally abuse a sitting member of Congress in front of a large group of people.

I found this picture on the Bedazzler website. I'm a believer in the power of Bedazzling and this photo does a lot to reinforce my faith in this fine product.

Obviously the Bedazzler folks know their demographic. Most companies use professional models to sell their product, but the Bedazzleites know better. They know we aren't believing some nubile young lass decked out in Bedazzlewear; so they chose a young lady wearing shiny gold pants and glasses so thick she can see through buildings. She also has a look of total disinterest on her face and a haircut I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE. It looks like she's wearing a toupee to cover a bald spot on the very top of her head.

I'm seriously thinking of becoming a member of the Bedazzle Nation. I have an old jean jacket that could really use "Chick Magnet" written on it in shiny rhinestones. And nothing says "Classy" like using the Bedazzler to spell out "Home of the Whopper" on a pair of boxer shorts.


Blogger Monkey said...

You poor man! Attacked in a public place! Scared speechless!

As for the Bedazzler? I'm speechless.

Blogger MLE said...

Damn you Todd, the hair comment was what put me over the edge. Toupee for a chick tonsure, perhaps?

Blogger Sysm said...

That Bedazzler chick is playing coy with me.

Blogger katie schwartz said...

she feels very scrapbook-ee to me, too. I worry that she's one of those, "fine, I'll suck the team's cock if it will elevate my social standing at school," girls. thoughts?

Blogger Flounder said...

I think that she got those glasses from Al Franken.

Blogger SouthernCanadian said...

Sadly, where I grew up, I have seen that haircut.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

My darling boy, that lovely lady in the Bedazzled sweater is Leslie Hall. She is a brilliant musician and talented artist.

I love her.

Blogger EEK! said...


Tits beat me to it - Leslie Hall has the power to rock your body as she gems!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I taste your whopper?

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I can't believe that lady touched you. Are you okay? Did you get shots afterward?

As to the bedazzler lady, my regret at not finding that video last year is palpable.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

wait - I didnt give them permission to use my picture....

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

you are too damn funny!!

Blogger Rachel said...

Home of the Whopper huh?

Now that I've just got to see...

one Bedazzler coming your way for Christmas my darling.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i'd just like to say that if anyone has a bedazzler they're not using, i'll take it off their hands.

because me + bedazzler? GENIUS.

Blogger Violet said...

If we're voting on slogans for the undies, I'd encourage a "Have it Your Way" follow-up.

Blogger Flounder said...

That is the last time that I click on a link that Tits puts in her comment.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should get 'Fear This' on the back of a denim vest. That would rock in true hair band fashion.

Blogger Brookelina said...

So let me get this straight, bedazzling makes you miserable and unattractive. Am I getting that right?

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm just glad I didn't soil myself.

she's not just a hair club member, she also owns a hideous top.

her hair says "no", but her sweater says "maybe".

despite my teasings, right now I wouldn't turn down a blowjob from her.

you'd think Al would spring for the featherweight lenses.

you and me both.

it annoys me even more that she tries to look like that. Or is she retarded and this is simply the best she can do?

I'm going to bring back the airbrushed shirt. Really. And since I know it's crap it'll be cool.

in a word...yes.

I hired the same people who used to scrub down Karen Silkwood to wash the Northup off of me.

cold hands,
the Bedazzler people are powerful. They don't have to ask; they take.

I hope you've started planning our wedding.

I'll show it to you anytime. Just ask.

you could be the Picasso of Bedazzle art. Only a hot chick instead of a crazy old man.

oh, special orders don't upset us.

ha. You should have known better.

or for the sake of irony, "Frankie Say Relax"

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm already miserable and unattractive. But the Bedazzler would also make me look insane.

Blogger Egan said...

Hi Todd. Just thought I would check in and stuff. Rumor has it Louisville will be the newest town to host an Ironman event.

Hey, she took the time to spin those pants out of her very own gold. Give little coont a break.

Blogger Rachel said...

That's part of why I love you so much.


Blogger n.v. said...

Was it Lot's wife that turned to a pillar of salt?

Salt, stone. Tomato, tomah-to.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

I'm a week behind on all blogs right now, but I wanted to stop in and say hi. I'll catch up soon, swear.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Oh Jesus God I've missed you. I'm so going to knit you a pair of boxers that say "Home of the Feathered Whopper" or something akin to it.

Oh Jesus God the laughter will not cease.


Please start writing for the ONION

Blogger Steph said...

A jacket like that would get you laid for sure.


I wanna do a twosome with Anne and the Bedazzler.

Blogger MadMeer said...

Leslie Hall is a singing, bedazzling genius! She would make a much better congresswoman than that hairy-lipped drag queen.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

would you be too upset if my dress was off white instead of white and i don't want too many people at the wedding. 25 of your closest friends and 25 of does that sound? AND we MUST have someone singing old mexican songs!!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

You choked? I can't believe it, you didn't get in a smart ass comment one? I am so dissapointed.

On a happier note....Where can I get a pair of those shiny gold pants? If she bedazzled her glasses and put on a damn bedazzling bra, she would be smokin.

Please do your jacket and then take a picture of it. I guarentee you would get comments from hot chics....I would even put money on it....or sexual favors....of course!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Miss Kendra could totally rock the bedazzler world....she should be their Marketing Director!

Blogger Gwen said...

Yeah, I was gonna tell you, too, that chick is famous. She's being ironic.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Does that say avoiding him like the plaque? Or the plague?

Blogger yournamehere said...

you should enter that ironman competition. There are a lot of flabby people in Louisville. You'll totally kick their asses.

I think she owns the goose that laid the golden pants.

what are the other reasons you love me?

yes, Lot's wife. I wonder if Lot tried to have relations with her after she was a pile of salt?

well, hello stranger.

hey, married lady. I missed you too.

are you being insincere?

do you want to afix rhinestones to the puckered tits of Anne Northup?

I have a feeling Leslie Hall isn't as funny as she thinks she is.

can someone who speaks no Spanish whatsoever sing the old Mexican songs? That would be funny. Otherwise, start looking for ugly bridesmaid dresses, sweetheart.

of course you'd win the bet. You would comment, and you're a hot chick...
You could just give me sexual favors anyway.

she's famous and I'm a nobody. She'll probably use her power to crush me.

I'm not an editor.

Blogger n.v. said...

yes, Lot's wife. I wonder if Lot tried to have relations with her after she was a pile of salt?

Woulda stung the pee-hole, I imagine.

Blogger Ms Smack said...

You are a funny funny man. She wants you.

Blogger Egan said...

It's tempting, but they say first year Ironman competitions should be avoided. Kind of like first year cars, many kinks to work out.

Post a Comment

<< Home