Friday, October 27, 2006
The Dumbest Story Ever Told
A man named David Stewart is on trial for making a prank call to a McDonald's in Mount Washington, Kentucky, that led to an eighteen-year-old employee taking off her clothes and performing oral sex on a complete stranger.

Yes, you read that correctly. No, seriously.

Mr. Stewart was bored one night a few years ago, so he called the McDonald's and asked to speak with a manager. He then told the manager that one of the restaurant's employees, a then-eighteen-year-old girl, was under suspicion of theft and needed to be detained.

So, the manager did what any complete fucking moron would do: She, with instructions from the phony police officer, strip-searched the young employee and kept her against her will for three and a half hours.

But wait, it gets better. The manager didn't know what else to do, so she called her boyfriend. Keep in mind that the manager and her boyfriend are both middle-aged and should really know better. The boyfriend came by and started talking to the prank caller, who told him that the alleged thief needed to give him a blowjob! And the boyfriend told her to! AND SHE DID IT!!

For those of you playing along at home, David Stewart convinced two adults to kidnap and sodomize a teenager by telling them he was a police officer. Sure, it was an assish thing to do, but he probably didn't realize he was calling the HOLY TRINITY OF STUPID PEOPLE. Yes, the eighteen-year-old deserves some of the blame, too. She sucked a random dick to keep her job at McDonald's, because a guy on the other end of a phone told her to. That's stupid on my planet.

Really, that would be my defense if I was David Stewart. "Your honor, I didn't realize these people would be so fucking stupid. In fact, when they said they were going through with it, I just assumed they were fucking with me."

I made prank calls when I was a kid, but I don't think anyone ever tried to let Prince Albert out of the can, despite my best efforts. And when I asked the guy at the bowling alley how he walked with sixteen pound balls, he'd chuckle and hang up. I guess I shouldn't have limited my childish hijinks to the Louisville area; I should have called Mount Washington.

Okay, obviously what the guy did was wrong, just like it's wrong to send an email telling people they've won the Russian Lottery but need to send thirty thousand dollars to collect the big payoff. But it doesn't make the victim any less moronic.

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Props to Kendra for designing my new template. She's the goat (greatest of all time). I realize a lot of you know what goat means, but I didn't want someone who didn't to think I repay a nice person who did me a favor by calling her a goat.


33 Comments:

Blogger Blonde said...

McDonald's is the holy trinty of stupid people??? I thought it was the black hole of degenerates, retards and the elderly.

I wonder how you super size a blow job...

Blogger MoDigli said...

I saw this story - and if it's the same prank caller, he actually did it to quite a few fast food restuarants. He was a wanna-be cop who read all these law enforcement manuals. What a Fuck face.

I feel for the teenage kids who got caught up in this, though. They are young. They are working in an industry that favors conformity and stupidity. Their job is so simplified that all they have to do is squirt mustard out of gun over and over and over again. And they work for adults who are older, and they feel intimidated by them.

I mean, I'll admit that I wondered "WTF was this kid thinking???" But they had her locked in a back room for HOURS. Forcably strip searched. She was probably terrified and going nuts. This is the where lesson of "follow directions" and "do what the adults tell you to" goes terribly wrong. (2 directions pounded into kids brains in public school.)

You are so gonna get me on all some of these euphamisms I've got thrown this comment, aren't you? I swear, I didn't mean them.

Dammit.

Blogger Cladeedah said...

You should be this guy's defense attorney. That is the best closing argument I've ever heard in my life. :-)

Blogger Flounder said...

Are you sure that wasn't a Home Depot that he called? I seem to run into stupid people there all the time.

Blogger Carson said...

I'm the guy that didn't know what "goat" meant... misson accomplished.

where were all the "stupid 18 year old chicks that would give out blow jobs because some one on the phone said that she had to" when I was younger.

Blogger in2deep said...

im still kinda shocked and in disbelief at this story because i didnt see this story.
what is wrong with the chicks and people of today?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice work on the template! I can read the text again. :)

Blogger Tits McGee said...

That story made my head hurt.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Oh, and Kendra rocks the house with her mad template skillz, but may I please have an honorable mention for creating your original banner image?

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

no fucken way!!!!! how stupid can people be?!?!?!

Blogger Dawn said...

I am dumbfounded yet entertained by this story. Truth is stranger than fiction.

Blogger AMS said...

Oh my god. Well at least she was still getting paid for it!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO. I usually have to beg for hours to get a blowjob from a hooker. and this guy got one that quickly. and in front of his girlfriend. Is that pimping or what

Blogger miss kendra said...

tits should check the "credits" box at the bottom of the sidebar, where i made a point to give her more than honorable mention.

also, the people involved in this story should be sterilized.

i am the goat.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

An all new level of stupidity I never imagined.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

wow. im so going to try that some time.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Awww! My bad for not noticing the credit (which, by the way, is totally unnecessary, as my small contribution pales in comparison to your work on the badass new template, Miss Kendra). Kendra is, indeed, the goat.

I can't stop thinking about this story. All day long I've been wanting to call up the Mount Washington city hall and yell at them for wasting taxpayers' money putting David Stewart on trial.

It just boggles the mind.

Blogger Steph said...

Thanks for clarifying the goat thing.

I can NOT believe how stupid some people are. Having said that, they worked at McDonalds. I should have guessed.

Blogger katarina said...

Wow. I'm speechless. Really. I don't know how to deal with that kind of stupidity.

Blogger Nick said...

I'm just happy that your comment don't open in a new window anymore. Comments that open in a seperate window should be outlawed.

Blogger yournamehere said...

blonde,
no, those three people were the Holy Trinity. McDonald's is merely their church.

mo,
I like you, so I'm giving you a pass on the euphamisms.

cladeedah,
cool. I appreciate that coming from Nevada's most feared prosecutor.

flounder,
no, Home Depot hangs up on most callers. It wouldn't have gotten that far.

carson,
I asked myself that same question. There are also more "I'll blow you if you prove it's your birthday" girls these days, or so I've been told by younger guys who are the recipients of such charity.

in2deep,
I blame the band Fall Out Boy.

erin,
yeah, the text was damn near impossible to read. That's not a good idea for a blog.

tits,
this story killed my human spirit.

sonrisa,
damn, so you aren't going to fall for such trickery? I'll have to go with Plan B.

Blogger yournamehere said...

dawn,
I'm more dumbfounded than entertained, but it is fascinating.

ams,
someone needs to tell her the going rate for selling her mouth is more than minimum wage!

udi,
unfortunately for him, he was sentenced to prison for this.

kendra,
you are so the goat. My old eyes can once again read my own blog.

little,
there was a girl at a Dairy Queen in rural Kentucky who accepted a two-thousand dollar bill with George W. Bush's picture on it. Oh, and gave them change back. But at least she didn't have some random cock in her mouth.

cold hands,
which part?

tits,
I think a stiff wind blew over the Mount Washington city hall last week.

steph,
you are the Australian goat.

kat,
that's the kind of stupidity that can stop a beating heart.

nick,
so you don't like comment windows? Neither do I, but thank Kendra for its absence.

Blogger Nick said...

Actually, I'm the australian goat.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

how can nick be the australian goat?!

love the template, kendra rocks.

is the asshat that got the blowjob going to prison too?

Blogger yournamehere said...

nick,
you are not the Australian goat.

knitty,
the man is going to jail.

Blogger Ms Smack said...

Yeh i think thats pathetic on all levels, but amusing nonetheless.

Its sad that a teen is so desparate to keep their $5.ph, job that she'd degrade herself in this manner. Its sad that her parents didnt teach her better, maybe thats why she's doing whatever it takes to keep that job. Sad.

The guy in question should get locked up and asspummelled by someone called Bubba.

Blogger Mister Mxyzptlk said...

Back in the Bronx we had quite a few people named Lipschitz, so we'd call and ask if this was Lipschitz. When they answered affirmatively, we'd say "If you're Lipschitz, my ass talks" and hang up. I'm so ashamed.

Blogger 太陽˙眼鏡 said...
Blogger 太陽˙眼鏡 said...
Blogger arabella l said...

THIS PAGE SHOULD BE REMOVED, IT HAS GOT TO BE ONE OF THE MOST CRUELEST THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN.

IT'S FUCKED UP ENOUGH KNOWING PEOPLE LIKE THE CALLER, MANAGER & FIANCE EXISTED, BUT TO HAVE PEOPLE LAUGH AT THE ABUSE & TORTURE THIS CHILD WENT THROUGH IS ACTUALLY DISGUSTING!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqUm-Zk3_Ws

IF YOU CAN WATCH THIS AND SEE HER SHAKING, NAKED & CRYING AND FEEL ITS ALRIGHT TO JOKE ABOUT IT THEN YOU'RE FUCKED IN THE HEAD.

YOU JUST BETTER HOPE YOUR KIDS ARE NEVER TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF LIKE THIS BECAUSE ALMOST ALL KIDS WOULD REACT IN THE SAME WAY WHEN YOU'RE DE-HUMANISED, TORTURED AND ABUSED BY ADULTS... HENCE WHY CHILDREN ARE MOLESTED, ABUSED, RAPED and PEDOPHILIA EXISTS.

THIS GIRL WAS JUST 18, STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL AND OBVIOUSLY NAIVE LIKE MAJORITY OF HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS. THIS COULD HAVE BEEN YOUR DAUGHTER AND ONLY BECAUSE OF THE TRAUMA SHE WENT THROUGH WILL IT HOPEFULLY PREVENT OTHER KIDS FROM BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.

YOU SHOULD ALL BE OUTRAGED THIS WAS ALLOWED TO HAPPEN TO OVER 60 OTHER GIRLS AT OTHER FAST FOOD STORES

Blogger anon ymous said...

NOT TO MENTION THE MAN CALLING UP THESE STORES WAS ACQUITTED OF ALL CHARGES AND IS STILL OUT IN SOCIETY.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOUR CHILD MIGHT BE VICTIMISED LIKE THIS. THE TRAUMA THESE YOUNG FEMALES WENT THROUGH WILL AFFECT THEM FOR A WHILE, IF NOT A LIFETIME YOU HEARTLESS FUCKS

Blogger anon ymous said...

OH AND ALSO ITS NOT JUST YOUNG KIDS THAT ARE VIOLATED, ALL THROUGH-OUT HISTORY WE SEE ADULTS WHO KILL, DESTROY & HARM JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE TOLD TO.

E.G. HITLER & THE HOLOCAUST, DICTATORS, EVEN THE 60 OTHER MANAGERS WHO FELL FOR THE SAME PRANK PHONE CALL

YOU SHOULD NEVER UNDER-ESTIMATE THE POWER OF PERSUASION AND THE EXTREMITIES PEOPLE WILL GO TO TO OBEY AUTHORITY. IT IS THOSE WHO UNDERESTIMATE THIS WHO ARE THE MOST STUPID AS THEY KNOW BETTER BUT STILL FOLLOW ORDERS & DO AS THEY'RE TOLD

Blogger Bren Jobe said...

I am watching the film Compliance right now and cannot believe that this actually happened...not that these poor trusting people would simply want to keep their jobs but that the above people think this perverse fuck of a person got away! You should all be ashamed...lets hope your children never happen!!! Right on to the above person...ALL CAPS!

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