Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Things on what's left of my mind
-The political process in this country is a mess. I'm so sick of campaign ads. Apparently every Democrat wants to hand over the country to Osama Bin Laden and every Republican wants to fondle your child in front of a masturbating Mark Foley. Also, if someone voted against a bill that lowered taxes for small businesses AND sentenced all handicapped people to death, he will be portrayed as an enemy of the independent business community.

-I have two anti-Ann Coulter books on my Christmas list. Both are answers to her latest hate-filled pile of dung, Godless. The books are called Clueless and Brainless. I want them both, even though I'm still working on my own masterwork, Ann Coulter is a Gestapocunt.

-I've made the decision to only date women who want to go out with me. In other words, I've given up dating.

-I hate the food at Taco Bell. I'm a fat guy who likes to eat, but Taco Bell just sucks. Their lettuce tastes tainted. And by tainted, I mean it tastes like taint.

- Speaking of shitty food, why will people wait an hour for a table at Olive Garden? I'd rather lick the side of a dumpster than eat their bastardized approximation of Italian cuisine.

-Fact: Residents of Alaska receive almost two dollars worth of services for every dollar they pay in taxes. It's time to hand these freeloaders over to Canada.

-I found out my favorite brewpub features $2.75 pints all day Sunday. That's not gonna help me lose weight, that's for sure.

-The next time someone makes some "clever" comment about my height, I'm going to respond with a superior comment about their lack of intelligence and/or offensive body odor.


17 Comments:

Blogger Egan said...

"I'm Todd and I endorse this posting..."

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I knew I was on a bad date when the guy said "well since you are Italian I thought I would take you to Olive Garden for dinner".
He then proceeded to ask if the white glue they threw on noodles was similar to what my mother made.
Thank goodness we were 15.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Wait, is that last bit about me presenting you as "Our Nation's Giant" to Kim Jong II and letting him poke you with a stick?

I wasn't trying to offend.

Blogger Violet said...

You could always try my (theoretical) weight loss plan: running after hot ass. We've got tons of cross country guys training around here, and I think I would be pretty motivated to keep running after their shiny, sweaty bodies. Plus, I relish the look of sheer horror that they'll be sporting as I lumber after them. "Please God! Don't let her catch us!"

Also, I'm certain that licking a dumpster in Todd's company would be preferable to eating at Olive Garden alone.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

wait!!!! why are you still dating?!?!

Blogger Monkey said...

Ahhh... the Olive Garden Mystery! We've tried to unravel that conundrum here also. We suspect that they put something in the food. Or maybe there is hypnotism going on. Whatever it is... it's underhanded. Underhanded I tell you!

Blogger Burr-ee-toe said...

I always thought Olive Garden just defrosted TV dinners from the store and called it their own special creation. Is that wrong?

Blogger miss kendra said...

olive garden is terrible, and your book sounds delightful.

also, i'm moving to alaska.

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
I rarely endorse anything I post.

knitty,
why don't people just stay at home and open a jar? Actually, some of that jar stuff is better than Olive Garden.

Ubie,
no, of course not. I'm talking about the one hundred "How's the weather up there?" comments I get every week.

violet,
if I chase hot girls, they usually stop and kick me savagely in the groin.

sonrisa,
no, that's the point. I'm not dating. When are you coming to Louisville for our first date?

monkey,
there are good restaurants in this town! Even among Italian chains located in the suburbs, Olive Garden ranks FAR below Carraba's and Romano's Macaroni Grill.

burr,
it's not wrong that they do that; what's wrong is when people reward them for doing that.

kendra,
will you write the foreword to my book?

Blogger Blonde said...

I don't like to get into political preference chit chat, but I can honestly say that the mudslinging campaigns on boths sides sucks donkey balls. I am a prisoner to my tv and there is another pathetic commercial every 5 seconds.

Olive Garden is part of the cuntification of America.

Hey bro,

How depressing is it that you and I dined at the Olive Garden on Christmas Eve that one year? You could cut the desperation in the air with a stale breadstick....

By the way, I'll get you the Ann Coulter book for Christmas if you will get me that new one out about that Stuart Smalley douche bag. Deal?

Blogger Egan said...

Fine, don't endorse your own work. Make your readers do all the hard work.

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

Hell I'm moving to Alaska then...

I know how you feel about the height (I'm only 5'8") but if I hear one more mutherfucker call me Mr. Clean ( I shave my head) or say deal or no deal...I'm laying them out...

Blogger Monkey said...

Well of course Louisville has good restaurants! That's my point. Portland is chock a block full of amazing restaurants. Very few chains. But which restaurant has people lined up around the corner each night? You guessed it. Something stinks in Denmark.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

thanks for clarifying things for me cause i had stopped writing our wedding vows for a minute there ;-)

not sure when i'll be able to go to visit you...i just a got a new part time job so i need to talk to my new jefe about vacation time.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I agree with everything you said.

Blogger katie schwartz said...

bitch, why do you keep slamming yourself? you're not fat, freak. you're a very handsome boy. breathe. celebrate you. build yourself a nice todd catherdral of self-esteem.

and, I thought I was a self depricating whore.

I think you might blow me away.

dude, no fuckin way!

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