Monday, February 26, 2007
I'd like to thank the Academy for boring the fuck out of me

I decided to review the 2007 Academy Awards, all for the sake of a blog post. I am suffering for this piece of shit, people. I am suffering.

-The intro was long and boring; that's all I remember about it. At least it wasn't a production number, but we'll get enough of those later.

-I was worried about Ellen Degeneres as host, but she was funny throughout the night. Okay, enough nice shit. No one reads this tripe for my kindheartedness. Ellen, you came out to the stage of the Kodak Theater, in front of about a billion people worldwide, looking like a valet at the MGM Grand. Would it have killed you to wear a dress? None of the gay men at the Oscars dressed like women.

-I need to stop betting on awards shows. All I know is the team from Pan's Labyrinth took home Best Art Direction and now I owe ten gurr to some guy from Vegas named Vinnie the Thumb.

-Will Farrel sings an unfunny song with Jack Black (whose schtick is getting OLD). Will is sporting a huge afro that makes him look like Peter Brady.

-Brooke and I were instant messaging each other during most of the telecast. I was also briefly tormented via IM by Ubermilf. Then at 9pm I watched Family Guy. It was a rerun I had seen before, but the Academy Awards broadcast was doing nothing for me. Brooke said I didn't miss anything.

-Well over an hour into the broadcast, Best Supporting Actor is announced. Eddie Murphy was robbed! Maybe. It's not like I actually saw any of these films. Or have any intention of seeing any of them in the future.

-A dance troop makes shadow puppets. No, really. This isn't dress rehearsal. This is being televised.

-Alright, enough with the foreigners winning awards and just blathering on! Say thanks and get your ass off the stage. And when the band starts playing you off, don't try to shout over them. They are a full orchestra; you are an unkempt troll with a limited grasp of the English language. You will lose.

-An award of some kind is presented by Leo Dicaprio and Al Gore, two serious pussy magnets.

-Ben Affleck presents an award, but he isn't very convincing as himself. He didn't make me believe it.

-The guy who wins for Adapted Screenplay has long hair parted down the middle. He being a middle-aged man, the Partridge Family-era Susan Dey 'do just isn't working for him.

-Tom Cruise gives a Humanitarian award to Sherry Lansing, one of the most powerful female executives in Hollywood. She thanks him, then says "Don't worry America. His career is still over."

-Jennifer Hudson wins Best Supporting Actress. I'm glad because it just proves the stupidity of American Idol. She was very humble. I would have said "I know I'm not as good as Taylor Hicks, but I'll take this Oscar anyway. I'd also like to thank God. Oh, and Simon Cowell is a tin-eared cunt."

-Some composer wins a Lifetime Achievement Award and then has his latest song performed by Celene Dion. God, I can't stand that human air raid siren. The song was so bad they should have taken his Oscar away. And slaughtered him on national television.

-More useless production numbers and witless banter occur.

-"I didn't know he died." The collage of dead actors accompanied by sad music is always the most moving part of the telecast. It would be more interesting, however, if they'd slip in a few photos of people who are still alive, just to see who's paying attention.

-Phillip Seymour Hoffman presents an award looking like Nick Nolte's mugshot.

-I'm glad Martin Scorcese finally won a Best Director Oscar, but other than that I have nothing of interest to say about the winners of the major awards, except that it wasn't worth having to wade through almost four hours of shit to get to it. The director of the broadcast should be given a hasty, unfair trial and put to death.

-Next year I'm getting drunk while I watch.





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18 Comments:

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I wouldn't have made it through without wine.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I always cry during the "here's who's dead" clip. This time I cried all night.

Blogger katarina said...

I chose to go to bed early. I should've stayed and IM'd you.

Blogger Brookelina said...

If we hadn't been instant messaging throughout I'd have fallen asleep on the couch before the first major award had been given.

I never realized how short Martin Scorsese was.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

I'm glad that I spent the first three hours of the show watching "Dogfight" on the history channel, and the last hour watching Family Guy (even if it was 2 reruns).

Blogger Phain said...

i can't believe you sat through the entire broadcast! lemme guess...the remote was on the other side of the room?

Blogger Übermilf said...

You suffer for your art.

Blogger Kate said...

right on!

inhaling pizza is the only thing that got me through it.

Blogger "said" Woman said...

I actually went to an Oscar party that required all attendees to do a shot everytime the camera panned to Jack Nicholson...it wasn't pretty, on multiple levels.

Blogger miss kendra said...

you are SO right about philip s-hoff (too lazy to type whole name).

he looks like a hobo.

but i liked will ferrell's hair, and i love john c reilly.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

why in the hell were you sober for this one?

They are all so painful!!

Blogger Nick said...

they should change the name of the OScars to "Hey America, Let's Kiss The Ass Of The Overprivilaged That We Worship"

Martin Scorcese is a douchebag.

Blogger wmy said...

Its little things like this that really let us know you love us...you really love us!!

Academy Awards? I thought that was some sort of DNC convention. Either way, I'd have to be bombed to watch....

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

I learned my lesson from the Grammy's-- I skipped the awards and read your much more entertaining synopsis. I, like Stormin' Mormon watched "Dogfights" on the History Channel.

Blogger Nick said...

I watch porn, on the PornChannel

Blogger yournamehere said...

pants,
I wouldn't have made it through without whine.

spinning girl,
I cried on the inside.

kat,
you should have.

brooke,
Instant messaging was the highlight of the evening.

stormin,
what's Dogfight?

phain,
no, I'm just an idiot.

ubie,
I always say: "A blog is to writing what pasting macaroni on to cardboard is to art."

kate,
you inhaled pizza? I'll bet you had greasy boogers.

said,
how many people died of alcohol poisoning?

kendra,
yeah, PSH is a great actor, but take a fucking bath, man.

cold hands,
I had to work Monday morning, so I stayed sober.

nick,
why do you think Scorscese is a douchebag? Did he refuse to direct the next Star Trek sequel?

wmy,
not really.

vast,
now now...I'm sure Bill O'Reilly's documentary "Why Everyone is Wrong But Me" will wins several awards next year.

johnny,
it's a real timesaver, huh?

nick,
is it presented in Spankovision?

Blogger Kevin said...

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