I (sort of) watch the Grammys for you

You didn't watch the Grammy Awards, did you? That's okay, I kinda sorta watched them. Here's a brief overview.

-The big news of the night is the big Police reunion. Personally, when it comes to white British men stealing black music, I prefer Led Zeppelin, but that's another story. As for their performance, it was all wussified, like a Sting solo album.

-Jaime Foxx is such a douche that a vinegar and water solution flows through his veins in lieu of blood.

-Stevie Wonder and Tony Bennett receive an award (Even a complete asshole like me isn't going to insult Stevie Wonder). Tony Bennett, however, in a new acceptance speech low, thanks Target for being "The best sponsor ever." There's no whore like an old whore.

-The Dixie Chicks perform, and stump jumpers throughout "God's country" turn their TVs off in disgust and cue up Toby Keith's new single "Let's Kill Us Some Foreigners". The Chicks later go on to win every single award, including two for which they weren't even nominated.

-When the Black-Eyed Peas appear onstage, God has mercy on my soul and makes me temporarily blind and deaf. Unfortunately, the nauseating odor of Fergie's diseased cooch seeps through my television set.

Okay, at this point I kind of drop the ball as far as in-depth reporting goes. I have IM conversations with a couple of people, and then Family Guy comes on and I watch that. So for basically an hour I'm paying little or no attention to the Grammys. What can I say? I'm no Mary Cunting Hart when it comes to entertainment analysis. I eventually turn back, though. I wish to god I hadn't.

-I must have come back to the broadcast during a segment called "A Celebration of Shit". I sat through a horrific ear raping, my friends. Carrie Underwood, who a few years ago sucked enough cock to win American Idol, joined some band named Rascal Flatts(?!) to SING EVERY SONG EVER WRITTEN IN THE HISTORY OF RECORDED MUSIC!!! I swear, it wouldn't end. By the end they were all arm in arm singing "Row Row Row Your Boat" and I was attempting to hang myself. Luckily, I'm a fattie and the rope broke.
Really, who the fuck is Rascal Flatts? They look like a bunch of guys who play a country music review at a struggling amusement park. That doesn't mean Carrie Underwood didn't fuck every last one of them, though.

-If that wasn't enough, Lionel Ritchie sings a song. I forget which one, but needless to say it was fucking awful. As an encore, a proctologist comes out and uses Nicole Ritchie as a human probe to check Lionel's anus for polyps.

-James Blunt, who looks like Napolian Dynamite's been stranded on a deserted island for five years and sings like the Williams sisters are practicing their serves with his nutsack, performs with so much conviction his tampon falls out mid-note. Why does this person have a major recording contract? If he played a set at my local pizzeria, I'd pelt him with half-eaten crusts and empty beer bottles.

-As part of the continued American Idol-ing of the music industry, a contest is held in which the American public picks one of three girls to sing a duet with Justin "Al Jolson" Timberlake. Unfortunately, the song isn't "Dick in a Box", so I quickly lose interest. At least the girl is hot; and unlike Justin, is actually a black person.

-Al Gore gives an award to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Flea embraces him lustily. By far the highlight of the evening.

-At this point, I don't think it's going to get any better, so I change the channel and watch a Seinfeld rerun on TBS. Maybe next year I'll watch the entire broadcast.