Monday, February 12, 2007
I (sort of) watch the Grammys for you
You didn't watch the Grammy Awards, did you? That's okay, I kinda sorta watched them. Here's a brief overview.

-The big news of the night is the big Police reunion. Personally, when it comes to white British men stealing black music, I prefer Led Zeppelin, but that's another story. As for their performance, it was all wussified, like a Sting solo album.

-Jaime Foxx is such a douche that a vinegar and water solution flows through his veins in lieu of blood.

-Stevie Wonder and Tony Bennett receive an award (Even a complete asshole like me isn't going to insult Stevie Wonder). Tony Bennett, however, in a new acceptance speech low, thanks Target for being "The best sponsor ever." There's no whore like an old whore.

-The Dixie Chicks perform, and stump jumpers throughout "God's country" turn their TVs off in disgust and cue up Toby Keith's new single "Let's Kill Us Some Foreigners". The Chicks later go on to win every single award, including two for which they weren't even nominated.

-When the Black-Eyed Peas appear onstage, God has mercy on my soul and makes me temporarily blind and deaf. Unfortunately, the nauseating odor of Fergie's diseased cooch seeps through my television set.

Okay, at this point I kind of drop the ball as far as in-depth reporting goes. I have IM conversations with a couple of people, and then Family Guy comes on and I watch that. So for basically an hour I'm paying little or no attention to the Grammys. What can I say? I'm no Mary Cunting Hart when it comes to entertainment analysis. I eventually turn back, though. I wish to god I hadn't.

I must have come back to the broadcast during a segment called "A Celebration of Shit". I sat through a horrific ear raping, my friends. Carrie Underwood, who a few years ago sucked enough cock to win American Idol, joined some band named Rascal Flatts(?!) to SING EVERY SONG EVER WRITTEN IN THE HISTORY OF RECORDED MUSIC!!! I swear, it wouldn't end. By the end they were all arm in arm singing "Row Row Row Your Boat" and I was attempting to hang myself. Luckily, I'm a fattie and the rope broke.
Really, who the fuck is Rascal Flatts? They look like a bunch of guys who play a country music review at a struggling amusement park. That doesn't mean Carrie Underwood didn't fuck every last one of them, though.

-If that wasn't enough, Lionel Ritchie sings a song. I forget which one, but needless to say it was fucking awful. As an encore, a proctologist comes out and uses Nicole Ritchie as a human probe to check Lionel's anus for polyps.

-James Blunt, who looks like Napolian Dynamite's been stranded on a deserted island for five years and sings like the Williams sisters are practicing their serves with his nutsack, performs with so much conviction his tampon falls out mid-note. Why does this person have a major recording contract? If he played a set at my local pizzeria, I'd pelt him with half-eaten crusts and empty beer bottles.

-As part of the continued American Idol-ing of the music industry, a contest is held in which the American public picks one of three girls to sing a duet with Justin "Al Jolson" Timberlake. Unfortunately, the song isn't "Dick in a Box", so I quickly lose interest. At least the girl is hot; and unlike Justin, is actually a black person.

-Al Gore gives an award to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Flea embraces him lustily. By far the highlight of the evening.

-At this point, I don't think it's going to get any better, so I change the channel and watch a Seinfeld rerun on TBS. Maybe next year I'll watch the entire broadcast.


Blogger miss kendra said...

i SO wish flea would embrace me lustily.

this is one of my favorite posts.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I watched HGTV.

I'm old.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't even know the Grammy's were on. Oh well. Thanks for your commentary. I'm thinking your commentary is more entertaining anyway.

Lionel Richie? OMG! I didn't like his music when he was popular way back when.

LOL about Justin Timberlake.

I'm in a really bad mood, so I'm outta here.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

I didn't watch a thing...

Thank God

Too bad flea didn't kick Al "squaw" in the nuts.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I was feeling so sad that I missed it; your synopsis has brought me up to speed.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're a psycho. i love it. lol.

fergie disgusts me also. i have no idea why, but i schkeeve her something fierce.

and jt is my boy. don't mess with him. but that black comment gave me a chuckle. so did his white kicks.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Why the fuck did I bother watching? Next year I'm skipping it to do something constructive, like nap, and just read your synposis.

Blogger "said" Woman said...

"Really, who the fuck is Rascal Flatts? They look like a bunch of guys who play a country music review at a struggling amusement park."

Hilarious. I couldn't help but think of Kentucky Kingdom in the late 80's / early 90's. That's where the unloved went when Mommy and Daddy wouldn't drive to Kings Island.

Blogger Melissa said...

The Grammys were on?

For some reason, I'm feeling really pathetic for not knowing that.

Blogger wmy said...

Whew!!!! Filthy cooch smell seeping through your TV huh?!?!? I hope you set that fucker on fire and threw it out the nearest window...hey, maybe it hit Britney on the head cause she was out going through the garbage looking for some skiddy new draws??!!?!!?

Lets hope so!!

Blogger Lushy said...

If he played a set at my local pizzeria, I'd pelt him with half-eaten crusts and empty beer bottles.

I think I love you.

Blogger Liv said...

I love Seinfeld.

Blogger Tracy said...

I didn't watch the Grammys. Stink and the Police don't do for me, what they did oh say in 1982 and when American Idols start winning GRammys something is terribly wrong with the world.

Wonderful synopsis. I'm still laughing.

Blogger Flounder 2k7 said...

Rascal Flats is the band that should have won all the awards that the Dixie Whores won.

I guess if you open your pie hole and spew some rhetoric with which the liberal recording arts academy agrees, they just hand you over a bunch of awards.

BTW - The Dixie Chicks haven't recorded a real country album in about 4 years.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Shut the fuck up, Flounder.

Oh, my fucking head, Todd. I am weeping with laughter right now.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i don't even really like the dixie chicks, and i think their album was innovative.

i also think that this was largely due to rick rubin, who should have about a million grammys by now.

Blogger rhiann carnated said...

I can't believe you like the dixie chicks. ew

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Ubermilf is a filthy whore!

Blogger Nick said...

A few things:

1. Who wouldn't squeeze Al Gore Lustily?

2. It's amusing how angry Tits got at Flounder's remark when we are all guilty of using the same tactic the other way. Flounder never tells us to shut the fuck up.

3. Justin Timberlake gets more fine tail than a rabbit hunter.

4. Carrie Underwood is smoking hot

5. Rascal Flats suck ass and lool like girls dressed as boys.

Blogger Flounder 2k7 said...

If you thought that it was bad seeing Tony Bennett thank his sponsor you should have been with me when I went to see George Jones in concert at Billy Bob's Texas in Ft Worth. He had the entire front of the stage covered with bags of George Jones Country Gold Dog Food.

It was so pathetic that a country music legend was pimping dog food. He even talked about it for like 5 minutes before he sang He Stopped Loving Her Today.

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