I was trying to think of a way to liven things up around here. After a lot of deliberation (drinking), I've decided to start wearing a really bad toupee, kind of like the one pictured here, but worse if that's possible.
I have a full head of hair, so I don't NEED a toupee, but I want one. I want one so obviously bogus it makes everyone who comes into contact with me instantly uncomfortable.
"Todd, are you wearing a toupee?"
"No."
"Yes you are. You're wearing a really really bad toupee."
"I have all of my hair. Why would I wear a toupee?" (This line of dialogue would go on and on).
I can't wait. I think there are still a few wig shops left downtown. I'm going to one tomorrow. Maybe I'll get a curly honkey-'fro; or perhaps an honest-to-cunt feathered mullet.
30 Comments:
Can you get a mullet/for? That would be so awesome/groovy!
I meant fro. Why do I bother?
a mullet fro would be much like a jericurl, no?
Can i wear my Dolly Parton wig and come hang out with you?
You are going to need to post some pictures of this. ASAP.
Sara, that was perhaps the most deliciously ironic comment I have ever read.
Personally, I think this is the way to go.
A friend of mine has the faux-hawk. It's a mohawk hairpiece, that sits in the center and looks genuine. I have no idea where he found it, but it is hilarious.
While you're at it, get a Mirkin too. :P
While you're at it, get a Mirkin too. :P
what about this instead?
heh.
You should change it up. And keep up the denial.
"What are you talking about? You're crazy! I look exactly the same as yesterday."
Step 1: Shave head
Step 2: Wear outrageous toupee in public
Step 3: Act surprised when anyone asks if it is, in fact, a toupee on your noggin.
Step 4: Reach up to your head as you calmly say, "That's silly, this is my real hair."
Step 5: Pull toupee off, look with increasingly horrified expression at the wig in your hand and use other hand to rub bald pate.
Step 6: Scream "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!" and fall to your knees.
Step 7: Accept applause with as much dignity as you can muster.
I wish I had something witty to say about this.
I have absolutely nothing.
or not.
you know, either way.
honest to cunt
God, you're dreamy.
Whatever wig you end up getting, you should videotape people's reactions to it.
That is, if you don't mind sacrificing your dignity for our entertainment.
Please, oh please do this. Please, oh please take pictures. Cheer me up.
Please, oh please do this. Please, oh please take pictures. Cheer me up.
Please, oh please do this. Please, oh please take pictures. Cheer me up.
Bring back the hot bartender, no one cares about you.
brooke,
you obviously don't teach typing.
miss kendra,
I would put Soul Glow on it.
sara,
good one.
tracy,
as long as you take me to Dollywood.
liv,
I don't know about that.
anthony,
thanks for your kind words regarding Sara's comment.
tits,
do I have to have my stomach pumped?
vast,
like douchebags have non-cootered hats that hover over their heads. I like the idea.
stormin,
I'm guessing he picked it up at the Salvation Army.
steph,
twice? you must really want me to get a mirkin.
april,
will you keep my pubic wig fluffed?
blonde,
maybe I'll do the opposite and start calling out people with toupees. "Hey, moss head, YOU AREN'T FOOLING ANYONE."
ubie,
I wish I could change height. Show up one day at 5'4", then back to 6'6" the next day.
john,
they would probably pelt me with rocks and garbage.
fritz,
but I appreciate the effort.
cold hands,
you don't approve?
melissa,
I sacrifice my dignity for everyone's entertainment every time I write this blog.
kat,
I'd like to cheer you up again and again and again.
nick,
if you can't manage to scroll down the page, there's nothing I can do for you.
olga,
do you laugh in his face?
What the hell? Is there an echo?
What the hell? Is there an echo?
I am growing my hair for Locks of Love and you get the first ream.
Is it just me or did a bunch of people turn anonymous?
How about a reverse comb-over. Give yourself a very high bowl cut (think Jim Carrey in "Dumb and Dumber"). Keep shaving the edges of your hairline, but let the top grow long to hang over the shaved part.
This I just gotta see.
;)
This is reminiscent of the time I got one of those water bras.
I think you should consider a knitted yarn toupee.
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