Tuesday, January 23, 2007
I'm going to start wearing a bad toupee

I was trying to think of a way to liven things up around here. After a lot of deliberation (drinking), I've decided to start wearing a really bad toupee, kind of like the one pictured here, but worse if that's possible.

I have a full head of hair, so I don't NEED a toupee, but I want one. I want one so obviously bogus it makes everyone who comes into contact with me instantly uncomfortable.

"Todd, are you wearing a toupee?"

"No."

"Yes you are. You're wearing a really really bad toupee."

"I have all of my hair. Why would I wear a toupee?" (This line of dialogue would go on and on).

I can't wait. I think there are still a few wig shops left downtown. I'm going to one tomorrow. Maybe I'll get a curly honkey-'fro; or perhaps an honest-to-cunt feathered mullet.


34 Comments:

Blogger Brookelina said...

Can you get a mullet/for? That would be so awesome/groovy!

Blogger Brookelina said...

I meant fro. Why do I bother?

Blogger miss kendra said...

a mullet fro would be much like a jericurl, no?

Blogger Sara said...

This reminds me of the time I tried to go undercover in a fat suit, to discover the plight that plagues the obese. Sadly, I couldn't find a suit big enough to fit.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can i wear my Dolly Parton wig and come hang out with you?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are going to need to post some pictures of this. ASAP.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sara, that was perhaps the most deliciously ironic comment I have ever read.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Personally, I think this is the way to go.

I say you get a fluffed and powdered mirkin that actually hovers about 3 inches above your head!

Kucinich's toup is God awful!

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

A friend of mine has the faux-hawk. It's a mohawk hairpiece, that sits in the center and looks genuine. I have no idea where he found it, but it is hilarious.

Blogger Steph said...

While you're at it, get a Mirkin too. :P

Blogger Steph said...

While you're at it, get a Mirkin too. :P

Blogger April said...

what about this instead?

heh.

Blogger Blonde said...

I vote for the honest to cunt mullet.

The thing is that NO ONE ever calls out a person with a toupee!! So people would stare and snicker, but never call you out on your shit.

You should try it..

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should change it up. And keep up the denial.

"What are you talking about? You're crazy! I look exactly the same as yesterday."

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Step 1: Shave head

Step 2: Wear outrageous toupee in public

Step 3: Act surprised when anyone asks if it is, in fact, a toupee on your noggin.

Step 4: Reach up to your head as you calmly say, "That's silly, this is my real hair."

Step 5: Pull toupee off, look with increasingly horrified expression at the wig in your hand and use other hand to rub bald pate.

Step 6: Scream "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!" and fall to your knees.

Step 7: Accept applause with as much dignity as you can muster.

Blogger FRITZ said...

I wish I had something witty to say about this.

I have absolutely nothing.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

or not.

you know, either way.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

honest to cunt

God, you're dreamy.

Whatever wig you end up getting, you should videotape people's reactions to it.

That is, if you don't mind sacrificing your dignity for our entertainment.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please, oh please do this. Please, oh please take pictures. Cheer me up.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please, oh please do this. Please, oh please take pictures. Cheer me up.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please, oh please do this. Please, oh please take pictures. Cheer me up.

Blogger Nick said...

Bring back the hot bartender, no one cares about you.

Blogger Olga said...

There's an elderly volunteer who comes into work who wears a dark brown toupe. Unfortunately, he has gray hair so everyone can see exactly where his hair ends and the toupe begins.

It makes me laugh. I’m a bitch like that.

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
you obviously don't teach typing.

miss kendra,
I would put Soul Glow on it.

sara,
good one.

tracy,
as long as you take me to Dollywood.

liv,
I don't know about that.

anthony,
thanks for your kind words regarding Sara's comment.

tits,
do I have to have my stomach pumped?

vast,
like douchebags have non-cootered hats that hover over their heads. I like the idea.

stormin,
I'm guessing he picked it up at the Salvation Army.

steph,
twice? you must really want me to get a mirkin.

Blogger yournamehere said...

april,
will you keep my pubic wig fluffed?

blonde,
maybe I'll do the opposite and start calling out people with toupees. "Hey, moss head, YOU AREN'T FOOLING ANYONE."

ubie,
I wish I could change height. Show up one day at 5'4", then back to 6'6" the next day.

john,
they would probably pelt me with rocks and garbage.

fritz,
but I appreciate the effort.

cold hands,
you don't approve?

melissa,
I sacrifice my dignity for everyone's entertainment every time I write this blog.

kat,
I'd like to cheer you up again and again and again.

nick,
if you can't manage to scroll down the page, there's nothing I can do for you.

olga,
do you laugh in his face?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What the hell? Is there an echo?

Blogger Nick said...

What the hell? Is there an echo?

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I am growing my hair for Locks of Love and you get the first ream.

Blogger Nick said...

Is it just me or did a bunch of people turn anonymous?

Blogger Sysm said...

How about a reverse comb-over. Give yourself a very high bowl cut (think Jim Carrey in "Dumb and Dumber"). Keep shaving the edges of your hairline, but let the top grow long to hang over the shaved part.

Blogger Rachel said...

This I just gotta see.

;)

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

This is reminiscent of the time I got one of those water bras.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I think you should consider a knitted yarn toupee.

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