Wednesday, January 10, 2007
American Idol: Once More, With Hatred

Holy Christ on a cracker, I hate American Idol. Most TV is crap, but Idol is the only show that bothers me, the only one that makes me want to become Amish. Yes, I think I'd rather churn butter, raise barns, and look at women in shapeless black dresses than deal with the horrid social fallout from this televised homage to stupidity.

You see, I don't watch American Idol, but I still can't escape it. I don't watch Desperate Housewives either, but it doesn't follow me around everywhere I go. The stars of Housewives don't release tone-deaf vapid pop swill albums that are played over and over until I want to set off firecrackers in my ears to get Clay Aiken's voice out of my head. I know who Clay Aiken is, and it's their fault!!! I shouldn't know anything about Clay Aiken. No one should, except his immediate family and the gimp on the other side of the glory hole.

I hereby declare American Idol the second hand smoke of television. It affects the health of innocent people. I can't go to the grocery without hearing a quasi-talented Idol prodigy belt out their latest "hit". I was watching the Orange Bowl only to see that prematurely gray pussyfart Taylor Hicks warble his way through the halftime show. And to top it all off, the FINAL STRAW, if you will...Carrie Underwood's energy-draining pussy ruined the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys! Tony Romo was doing just fine until he got a little of Carrie's cursed 'giner. As soon as he got some of that on him, he started throwing interceptions, fumbling, and playing like someone thinking about poon instead of football. I blame American Idol for fucking up the season of my favorite football team. I don't blame Romo; Carrie Underwood is hot. If Bill Gates had gotten a piece of ass like that when he was young, I'd be chiseling this post onto a stone tablet.

What's next? I predict in the summer of 2008, Kelly Clarkson will have a torrid affair with the Democratic Presidential candidate, assuring an easy victory for the Republicans. It would be par for the course.


40 Comments:

Blogger miss kendra said...

i agree, except for the kelly clarkson bit.

i may not like her music, (and by may not, i do mean "do not") but i have cordially invited her for pie.

that said, the glory hole comment was my favorite thing that's happened all day.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every season is the same. People HAVE to be getting sick of it! It's like being in a house with a child who insists on watching the same movie a hundred times a day. You don't have to be watching with them to be annoyed to the point of contemplating suicide.

Canadian Idol is better, but it too is getting old.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Paula is the epitomy of hideous.

I'm with you bro. Idol sucks in a way that simply can't be described by the english language.

I desperately hope your Kelly Clarkson prediction comes true, though I know it will be much to your shagrin.

Blogger Blonde said...

I hate Carrie Underwood. That whore used her pussy powers to destroy Romo and she needs to die. For all that is cunty, American Idol has ruined this country. I am with you on this one!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Toddy, i hope you'll watch to see me at the Chicago Auditions. I'll be the 250 pound midget in halter and fuschia hot pants singing "Sexy
Back"

xoxoxoxo

i agree with you all but it's a train wreck/heroin i need to see - but only thru the ridiculous auditions, then i'm done. Don't hate me!

Blogger Melissa said...

the gimp on the other side of the glory hole

prematurely gray pussy fart

energy-draining pussy

cursed 'giner

I want you to bear my children or something for coming up with those.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Prematurely gray pussy fart... it works so well, because pussy willows are gray.

I rubber stamp this post with my approval.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fritz wants me to run for president. If I do, I'll totally do Kelly Clarkson.

Blogger Nick said...

And I'll help.

(in the style of Shake N Bake)

Blogger miss kendra said...

shake n bake!

i'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!

Blogger Steph said...

They even show American Idol down here, which is shite cos we can't even vote........Not that i care or anything cos i don't watch it.....much.
I'll be leaving now.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel so bad for you this time of the year.
It'll be okay. Avoid the smoke. We all do.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to agree with you here Todd. Actually most reality tv gives me an instant case of the squirts.

I have to thank Carrie Underwood though...she's the only way the Seahawks won...lol

Anonymous Anonymous said...

One time, a few years ago, my ex- and I met up for some school function for our son. I took them out to eat at a Subway afterward, and they were playing American Idol on the television in there. This was, I think, the only time I've ever actually seen it. I was stunned by the utter lack of talent of the people that appeared. I've been to drunken open mikes where there were more talented people.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The second hand smoke of television?

Pure genius, my friend.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stone tablet chiseling is a lost art. That was the point of this post, right? Goddamn ADD is acting up.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

The Idol show is shit...

Everyone here in Seattle is sending Carrie Underwood flowers and chocolates...

Blogger MsHellion said...

The Cowboys need another gay quarterback, like Troy Aikman. That's a man who ALWAYS knows where his receivers are...

"I predict in the summer of 2008, Kelly Clarkson will have a torrid affair with the Democratic Presidential candidate, assuring an easy victory for the Republicans."

One can only pray. The Cowboys blow a chance at the playoffs AND American Idol causes yet another left wing defeat... I'm all teary eyed... that is better than Christmas at the Chicken Ranch with a sack of hundred dollar bills. The only thing that would put icing on the cake would be T.O. having a fiery head on collision with Randy Moss and they both spend the rest of there days paralyzed from their lips to their tar paper rolls. One can only pray.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Bill Gates had gotten a piece of ass like that when he was young, I'd be chiseling this post onto a stone tablet.

nonsense.
you'd be working on a mac.

Blogger furiousBall said...

this was beautiful. I get it American Idol, there are some people that are very strange and have too much confidence in their own talents. But for those of the contestants that do have enough talent to elevate themselves above (or is it below) William Hung, you will force them down our throats ad nauseum. I fucking hate the fact that I still know William Hung's name.

American Idol is your hippie idiot friend that spills his bong water on your jacket and then asks for a ride home and five bucks.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Are all pussies energy-draining? Or just hers? This concerns me.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I'm totally using gimp and glory hole in a sentence today....not sure how to do it at work without getting fired....but I am pretty creative.
Just wait til you get hook on the new stupid reality show celebrity cops....or something like that.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

BTW.....I'm with Finn....Bill Gates isn't the shit.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate that these reality tv shows have taken jobs off screenplay writers.

Blogger Phain said...

i was going to make some smart ass comment about how i wanted to marry clay aiken but i remembered i'm a girl then the whole thought just went sour and i think i threw up a little in my mouth

Blogger Nick said...

The thing I like best about this blog is the way you take the time to respond to everyone.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

1. You are a genius, ergo I now grant you unlimited rights to spank my ass at whim.

2. Quote of the day: "gimp on the other side of the glory hole."

3. Clay Aiken came to my school for UNICEF, and boy, is he average.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The fact is, relaity shows haven't taken work away from scriptwriters. They're still written (poorly) and acted (worse).

Blogger April said...

American Idol is the second hand smoke of television...hallelujah!

i hate that mf'ing show, too.

:)

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

You're slacken fucker! You better be drunk.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now I can't get this obscense image of Clay Aiken and the fat guy he lost to involved in some sort of glory hole shenanigans.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kendra,
I'm sorry a glory hole comment was the highlight of your day. You deserve much better.

amy,
Canadian Idol? I wish it was on in America, so I could not watch it.

real,
true.

vast,
I just want to bang Kelly Clarkson on a table in the restaurant where she used to work. That's all I ask.

blonde,
Romo scrubbed his hands raw trying to get the smell off, and he couldn't hold on to the football.

tracy,
I think watching those auditions is like making fun of retarded people, but who am I to judge?

melissa,
if you want me to have your children you'll have to have sex with me. Let's get started.

ubie,
I appreciate the Ubermilf Seal.

tits,
I want to watch you do Kelly Clarkson. Or, if that fails, just about any chick.

nick,
did you say it in a high-pitched Southern accent?

kendra,
I don't how a spider monkey comes at a person. Will you be scantily clad?

steph,
you don't have Clay Aiken's CD, do you?

kat,
I appreciate your sympathy.

lone,
the Seahawks should give her a playoff share.

johnny yen,
eating at Subway? With your ex? Watching American Idol? That is the Shit Trifecta.

flounder,
thank you. I'm a poor, underappreciated genius.

Blogger yournamehere said...

john,
no, the point of this post was that guy who sat in front of us in Developmental Psych who always showed half his crack.

stormin,
in Dallas she can't even get a seat at I-HOP.

mshellion,
I don't care if Jm J. Bullock is their quarterback if he wins three Super Bowls.

mike,
what?

finn,
would Macs still be outrageously expensive? If so, I'd be chiseling.

furious,
he'll also tell you the names of the dogs owned by the former lead singer of Phish.

brooke,
only some pussy. Only some. For example, Andre Aggasi was the #2 ranked tennis player in the world. He started dating Brooke Shields and fell to #132. He broke up with her and went back to #1 for awhile, never falling out of the top ten until the year he retired. Hey, maybe it's something about the name Brooke...

tumbleweed,
please don't get fired on my account, dear.

smack,
they still write the "arguments" on The Real World.

phain,
how could you forget you're a girl? I'll never forget you're female, that's for sure.

nick,
are you trying to start trouble?

spinning girl,
I am going to show up at your home unannounced one day, and that ass better be ready.

sysm,
so true. Soon they're just going to show people drooling.

april,
speaking of drooling, I'm liking your thong.

tumbleweed,
you better be horny!

cincy,
anyone who would stick a hot dog-looking object in front of that man's mouth is one brave son of a bitch.

Blogger Nick said...

Dude, I would plow Carrie Underwood.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Imagine the complete and utter happiness coursing thru my veins when Australian Idol finished, picture the hopelessness and despair when it was announced that American Idol would be starting the week after.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious post but I'm watching it and will comment on it anyway. It's like a weekly live train wreck, like my life.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That Randy cunt really gets on my tits. "Yo dawg, you da bomb dude" seems to be all the bastard ever says. My wife loves it, which means I have to endure it.

Blogger Buffy said...

"...tone-deaf vapid pop swill albums..."

Clearly you have yet to hear Pickler's 'Red High Heels'.

Ugh.

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer