Friday, December 22, 2006
U-S-A! U-S-A!


This is Miss USA, Tara Conner. Ladies and gentlemen, she is living the American dream.

Tara was born in tiny Russell Springs, Kentucky (population 2,4oo). She went on to become Miss Kentucky and later Miss USA. One of the perks of being named Miss USA is getting to live, rent free, in a fancy Manhattan townhouse.

So Tara did what any beautiful young girl from a two-stoplight backwater town would do if put in her situation: She went god damn insane!

According to every news source in North America, Tara quickly began frequenting Manhattan nightspots. She drank to excess, even though she's underage; and she also allegedly did cocaine, made out with chicks in public, and had sex in a men's room. Yes, Miss USA reportedly got banged in a public shitter. That's quite a story for some guy to tell. His friends will never be able to compete.

"Dude, what'd you do Saturday night?"

"Well, I fucked Miss USA up against a urinal at Sky Bar. What did you do?"

"Uh, I got a sack of White Castles."

Underage drinking, cocaine use, promiscuity...she's like an attractive Lindsay Lohan.

And it gets better. One of the girls she made out with was Miss Teen USA Katie Blair.

Relax, people. Katie is "good teenage" (eighteen), not "jailbait teenage".

Miss USA getting it on with Miss Teen USA is the kind of recreational lesbianism our Founding Fathers had in mind when they bloodthirstily stole this country from its original inhabitants. In fact, Ben Franklin wanted recreational lesbianism to be an official inalienable right, but the motion was vetoed by that sanctimonious windbag Alexander Hamilton.

Back to the present, Tara got caught and is of course headed to rehab for her "drinking problem". What, does anyone think she needed beer goggles to find Katie attractive? "Oh, I'll need a few more vodkas. You're gross." Give me a fucking break.

It was nice of Donald Trump to give Tara a second chance. In other words, he hasn't fucked her yet.

Somewhere in Manhattan, as you read this, Tara Conner has an invitation to Trump's apartment, and his maid is busy cleaning all of the bathrooms.



19 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is this country coming to when 2 absolutely, hot beauty contestants can't engage in recreational lesbianism and sex in public. I weep for our future.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

You totally need to take up newscasting. I love reading your shit!! You could be a millionare just with your wit and talent. Merry Christmas punkin!!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

btw, hot chics kissing is totally erotic

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why does everybody have to get up in everybody else's damn business?

Listen, I am the living embodiment of "traditional family values," because that's what makes me happy. That doesn't mean I think EVERYBODY ELSE has to be JUST LIKE ME or else I condemn their actions and want bad things to happen to them. Variety is the spice of life.

Either this episode of her life will make her happy, and she'll look back on it fondly some day, or else it WON'T make her happy, and she'll regret it. Why is this my business, or anyone else's?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post.

Back when Clinton had his woes, I was talking to my bartender friend Megan about it all. We agreed that if we were in his shoes-- a good-looking, powerful, wealthy guy-- we'd have made Clinton look like a boyscout. I mean, what the hell's the point of being President if you can't use it to get laid?

Blogger kate said...

lol. so true.

Blogger Monkey said...

Damn that Alexander Hamilton. He ruined it for all of us.

Blogger Squirt said...

Don't forget about Miss Nevada. She lost her crown for showing off the goods. What the fuck is that all about? Someone give her a medal.

Blogger Brookelina said...

How is it that you don't have a job with CNN?

Also, I hate Donald Trump with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Blogger Sindy said...

I agree with Brooke.. 'the Donald' tuns my stomache almost as bad as Hamilton.

Blogger Sindy said...

tuns... turns.. whatever.

Blogger Melissa said...

Somehow I suspect you could read the phone book and make it funny.

Viva la recreational lesbianism!

Oh, and Merry Christmas and stuff.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, yes, my life as Miss
USA is so trying and exhausing that I have to turn to alcohol abuse to make it bearable. PULEEZ!

If she was ugly, the Donald wouldn't have thought twice about stripping her... of her crown that is.


But then an ugly beauty queen is kind of an oxymoron, isn't it?

Blogger Al Sensu said...

Since this is in New York, the other dude wouldn't say he got a "sack" of White Castles. He'd have gotten a "bag" of White Castles. But more likely, a couple of pizzas from Ray's. And please, if you go there don't ask for Houston Street and pronounce it the same as the city in Texas. You'll get rolled. It's HOW-ston.

Blogger miss kendra said...

ahhh how i miss you.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

just when i think you can't possibley be any funnier!!!!! dude you fucken rock!!!

Blogger yournamehere said...

cincy,
future? We have no future.

tumbleweed,
I'd like to see you swap some spit with another chick.

ubie,
I don't think anyone would ever regret making out with Katie Blair, unless Katie has a herpes sore on her lip. I agree with what you're saying, though.

johnny yen,
JFK banged 'em two at a time, man. She may have been fucked up, but you can't tell me Marilyn Monroe wasn't a good lay.

kate,
I'm glad you agree.

monkey,
his body should be exhumed and desecrated.

squirt,
those pics were apparently taken before she was Miss Nevada. That shouldn't even count.

brooke,
because I'm not telegenic.

Blogger yournamehere said...

sindy,
I want his hair...for my pet baboon.

melissa,
it is hot when you say "viva la recreational lesbianism".

real,
yes, if Tara was ugly, she'd have to rely on her wits. She'd probably be dead by now.

al,
I think "sack" is funnier than "bag"; that's why I said it.

kendra,
I miss you too.

sonrisa,
thank you, sweetness.

Blogger DogGirl said...

I'd need a fifth just to look at either of them naked, let alone seeing them kiss. Give me Rosie O' any day.

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