Monday, December 18, 2006
Contest Winner: The Lecherous Old Woman
Monkey said she liked to hear stories about crazy customers, so she wins the "Choose my next post" contest, as her suggestion came on the heels of the sex-crazed senior citizen who infested our store this past Saturday.

The old lady in question, who told several of us that she was eighty-one, and had a thick German accent that suggested she may have once blown Hitler, asked me to help her find some prune wine or licorice whiskey or vermouth with Matlock's picture on it or some such elderly staple.

"Here you go, ma'am," I said, handing her a bottle of swill.

"I'd like to sit on your lap and bounce up and down," Auntie Nazi said as I wished God would cause the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

I know this is exactly what she said, because she repeated it about a dozen times.

It got worse for a coworker. She walked up to him, started stroking his beard, and said, "Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Yes," he replied, swallowing the small amount of vomit in his mouth.

"You should go home and rub your facial hair on her tits." (Yes, she said "tits". No polite euphemisms for this horny old broad).

Yeah. She'll love that. Then maybe he can buff her cooze with steel wool.

What is going on in this fossil's mind? Does she make wrinkle-porn in her spare time? I can just see her in a sex shop:

"Do you have the new mothball scented KY jelly?"

Oh, another question: Is there anyone less entertaining than Cedric the Entertainer?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Could have been worse, Todd.
She could have offered to bounce up and down on your face.

Do you like sauerkraut?

Blogger miss kendra said...


i'm having nightmares already and i'm still awake.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Bond would have killed her.

Blogger Steph said...

Crusty old lady pussy?
Nah, not even YOU would partake of that..........I hope :P

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You make me ache from laughter and desire.

For you, not for the lecherous old woman.

In all honesty, though, that's probably how I'm going to end up.

Blogger Melissa said...

There is no shower long enough and no soap potent enough to remove the taint of being propositioned by a geriatric sex fiend. I know the feeling all too well.

On the lighter side of the news, she does have good taste in men.

That's pretty sick.

However, the continued denial of my repeated requests to tell a far funnier and far superior story has left me with no choice but to kick you square in the nuts on Thursday. Damn you.

Blogger MsHellion said...

To answer your question: Carrot Top.

Blogger Rachel said...


old people need love too.


Stop by and say hi once in a while.

Blogger karla said...

Where IS this woman,and where can she be located? I have several friends who would totally date her. They're THAT desperate.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

She may have blown Hitler? You're killing me, man.

...and avoid the Roshambo and please tell us the damn story!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you just explained to me why german porn is so fucking wild.

and yes, cedric the entertainer is a total oxymoron.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

At a popular rib joint I waitered at in the early 90's, their was a very nice old couple who would come in, the Sola's. Mrs. Sola decided that she liked me. REAALLY liked me-- to the point where she commented on my ass (which is actually pretty skinny) all the time. I think that she was developing dementia, actually-- I felt bad for her husband, who was very quiet and just ignored it and tried to pretend everything was okay.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

that should be "there was a nice old couple". Doh. Don't tell anyone I'm a teacher.

Mmhmm. Could've gone my entire life without reading that! But what a firecracker. I bet she's killed multiple old men in the home by raping them in their sleep.

Anonymous Anonymous said...




Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahahaha.... eew! Just imagine the meat curtains on that one!

Blogger yournamehere said...

you're full of the fancin' book-learnin', ain't ya?

I don't like sauerkraut anymore.

those daymares can be a bitch.

you have a rather low opinion of me, don't you?

desire for me? Yay!

dirty old men are an American tradition. I'm well on my way to becoming one.

not squaw in the nuts, I hope.

I prefer Carrot Top. That's not saying much, though.

Blogger yournamehere said...

can't they get it from other old people? Thanks to viagra, she can date older men if she wants to.

I'm sorry for your friends. She's somewhere in Louisville, waiting for them.

it's being drawn up.

German porn is horrible. Or so I've been told.

johnny yen,
rib joints are for lovers, dude.

they had to die sometime.

cold hands,
she was..yeah, gross.

those were braunschweiger curtains, I'll bet.

Blogger yournamehere said...

oops, I skipped you. And not because you mentioned Bond. No, it was unintentional. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Blogger Monkey said...

I'm here two days late, but I won! I won! I won!

This story made me concerned for my future.

"I'd like to sit on your lap and bounce up and down,"

Maybe she thought you were a carnival ride, or one of those ponies outside grocery stores.

Blogger katie schwartz said...

the shame! who got to bend this luscious betty?

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