Monday, December 04, 2006
Give those thumbdicks a break
I've read a lot of blogs, being a guy with no life and all, and I've come across the following scenario a few times recently:

"So I was in bed, naked and ready to go, but the guy had a really small penis, so I sent him on his way."

Ladies, I don't blame you for not wanting a sex life with needledick, the bug fucker. I know you aren't accustomed to trolling for nub cock. But if pinky-penis is lying in your bed with his barely noticeable hard-on, would it kill you to just go ahead and fuck him? You were going to anyway before you found out he was rockin' the hamster junk. Be a sport...lay back, close your eyes, and let him hump away. Not only won't it hurt you, you probably won't even feel it. Get some rest, do your taxes in your head, enjoy a nice flavored martini, watch an infomercial on late night tv, and give the guy another six months of memories before he inevitably hangs himself in microphallic shame.

Really, if I was down in Vagina Valley giving a woman the ol' two fingers "come hither" motion and I was able to go in up to my elbow, I wouldn't leap to my feet, exclaim "YOU HAVE A HUGE PUSSY!" and leave. Fuck no, I'd go ahead and throw the hot dog down the hallway. If she has a hugina, I'm stirrin' some paint, baby.

I've avoided the big honkin' giner by simply asking on every first date, "You don't have a gaping canyon of a snatch, do you?" Hey, it works. You ladies should ask "You aren't packin' like my five-month-old nephew, are you?" This will help you avoid any embarrassing and/or disappointing encounters in the future.

Hey, I'm here to help.


30 Comments:

The quickest way to get ousted from the Andi-bed is not a small dick, simply a limp dick with no hope of a valiant return. I simply can't deal with slackerlings.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

it's so sad when they try desperately to work that limp thing.

Blogger MoDigli said...

Hugina?!!! .... A-HA-HA-HA!

Ladies, when Todd says he is "here to help," he isn't kidding. Trust me on this, I wish I didn't know that my brother has a baby's arm holding an apple (aka Weapon of Ass Destruction), but hell, he's my brother! If your looking to ruin yourself for other men for all time, Todd is your man, even if you do have a ginormous hugina..........

"Hugina"? You need to write a new Sniglets book. When I encounter the occassional hugina, its straight to Smith's produce section for an English Cucumber and a 18" Ocra. let the games begin.... and Vast.. I have some photos for you to view. You'll get a kick out of them

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL! Too funny! Seriously... I laughed out loud.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

...hangs himself in microphallic shame

...throw the hot dog down the hallway

...stirrin' some paint


You're killing me Todd. And I totally agree with you on this.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You shouldn't read blogs like that.

That's naughty.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg.

you slay me.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

i love it when you are gruesomely honest!!!!

so will i be happy once we get married? ;-)

Blogger miss kendra said...

i don't know what to say to this.

i'm never having sex again.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I will not give a dickless wonder a mercy fuck. I don't care how much you beg.

Blogger Melissa said...

Sonrisa, please don't kill me but I have a massive writing-related crush on your future husband.

Blogger Lushy said...

I'm going to have to request advance warning before you use phrases like "throw the hot dog down the hallway." I think I chipped a tooth on my desk from thrashing around while laughing.

Blogger Liv said...

I don't know how you come up with this stuff but I love you for it.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like quite a few cuntrys are looking for your weapon to launch an invasion!

Wicked boy!

Blogger Nick said...

It's good to know Brooke doesn't let superficial things get in the way of love.

Blogger Rachel said...

Hey, I'm with Brooke. Lay pipe right or go the fuck home!

Blogger Alison said...

HUGINA???

Yeah, Sniglets, dude.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

who hasn't trashed a needledick to her friends, only to go on and marry the guy.
man, that's awkward.

Blogger Blonde said...

Ummm....are you talking about me? I think I have written that more then once. Now I am bitching that I fucked a guy with an uncut one.

I am going to stick to my vibrator..

I love you Toddy!!!!

Blogger yournamehere said...

andi,
I understand. You're a busy woman.

tracy,
I'll take your word for it.

mo,
hey, how about those Chargers?

vast,
more propaganda.

mike,
your photo collection would give me nightmares, I'm sure.

artie,
thanks.

tits,
you have the best cleavage ever, so we're even.

flounder,
see, we Dems ain't so bad.

ubie,
I'm a baaaad boy.

cold hands,
I would only kill you with kindness.

sonrisa,
to be gruesomely honest, you will be very happy, but not so happy you can't walk the next day.

kendra,
I feel really bad about taking you off the market forever. Reconsider.

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
I seriously don't think anyone should ever have sex when they aren't comfortable with it.

melissa,
would you like to be my future mistress?

lushy,
don't mess up your toofises.

liv,
I love you too.

tracy,
most of the cuntrys turn out to be neutral, like Switzerland.

nick,
well, if she were truly shallow, the thumbdicked guys wouldn't be a problem.

rachel,
you and Brooke should form a club.

alison,
I'm a sniglet machine.

tracy,
did your friends address him with their pinkies extended?

blonde,
I just remember seeing this scenerio a few times. Don't do anything you don't want to do, babe.

Blogger kate said...

you fucking rock. lol.

Blogger DogGirl said...

Hugina. hehehe. I'm using that one!

Blogger Monkey said...

Ah me. I live for posts like these. The things I miss when I'm sick.

Blogger katarina said...

I hope this post wasn't about me, because there was much more to it if you remember.

Blogger Al Sensu said...

AMEN BROTHER!

Blogger Crystal said...

I dated a guy with a dick the size of my pinky. No exxageration. I tried really hard to make it work until he had me bent over one night and started screaming, "Tell me how much you love my monster cock! TELL ME!"

I was all, "Oh, we started?"

It wasn't his tiny penis that did me in, though. It was his gigantic ego that I couldn't tolerate.

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