Monday, November 20, 2006
A Fat Guy's Fast Food Primer
When it comes to dining out, I'd much rather eat at a nice locally-owned restaurant; or order pizza. However, sometimes I'm in a hurry, funds are low, and I need something quick and relatively cheap. No, I'm not talking about girls directly to your room 24/7. I'm talking about fast food. This, based on years of stuffing my face, is my incomplete guide to fast food establishments. Average is boring, so I'm only naming the best and the worst places.

Awesome

In n Out Burger - By far the best, but they only operate in California, Nevada, and Arizona. It's a crime that they deny their tasty goodness to the other 47 states. Selfish bastards.

Chic-Fil-A - Holy shit, this is good chicken. All other chicken sandwiches suck root compared to this.

Sonic - A step below the first two, but great nonetheless. They have girls who skate out to your car, and the ones in small Southern towns will blow you for some Crystal Meth.

White Castle - I don't know if I've ever been inside a White Castle while sober, but when your taste buds are wearing beer goggles this place might just save your miserable life.

Fucking Terrible

Hardee's/Carl's Jr. - For whatever reason this crap palace has a different name on the west coast, but apocalypse on a bun by any other name is still deadly.

Taco Bell - This may cause some controversy, but I think Taco Bell is horrible. I hate that they invented the word "melty" to describe their culinary ass-rapes.

Jack in the Box - They have funny commercials to make people forget that their e coli burgers killed several children in 1993. E coli turning kid's brains to liquid is the second worst thing to happen in '93, right behind the first album from Candlebox.

Long John Silver's - Everything on the menu at this place tastes exactly the same. Even the soft drinks are coated in a thick English-style batter.








29 Comments:

Blogger Phain said...

I'm so ashamed...I actually like the chicken planks at LJS. Does that make you love me any less?

Blogger Brookelina said...

I hate that we don't have In n Out Burger here in Florida. I settle for Cheeburger Cheeburger. A mighty fine substitute. Heart attack in a basket.

Hey bro, you forgot Fatburger! In my humble opinion, far superior to In and Out. You have to tell your readership the story about "breads" at White Castle...

Your Fucking Terrible list is dead on. Every one of those places sucks balls. I almost choked to death when I was a kid because those bastards at Long John Silvers forgot to take the plastic off of the chicken planks before they deep fried them. Yum....

Blogger Melissa said...

I've been ripped off in the "awesome" category, yet, every restaurant that's "fucking terrible" is conveniently located for me. Ahh, well. We have Gille's, home of the best burgers and turtle sundaes in Dairyland and quite possibly the entire Midwest, so that makes up for it.

Blogger Nick said...

Candlebox is awesome you goddamn anti-christ.

Also, Sonic sucks balls in the midwest.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fatburger Rules!

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I have to agree with you on Sonic ... no, not about the getting a knob job for some meth; but it is a damn good burger place since we don't have In N Out burger this far East.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

We don't have In n Out, Sonic, Jack in the Box...

But we have Portillos and Culvers in the good category.

In the bad? All of those new "combo" locations. Especially those that bastardize poor A&W, which used to be good.

KFC+LJS+A&W = Satan's Testical Sweat deep fried and put on a bun.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

No middle ground?

Blogger Trix said...

White Castle is the best for one reason, and one reason only. You spend four bucks for a full meal on Monday, and you're still tasting it on Thursday.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

i hate it when people refer to taco bell as being mexican food!!! that isn't mexican food!! idiots!!! that's crap food!!

todd, if you are ever in the mood for REAL mexican food just come over to my place for dinner or lunch or breakfast ;-)

Blogger miss kendra said...

melty melty melty melty.

sorry, i'm feeling confrontational. isn't it sad that this is the best i can do?

I can't argue with any of it. Except, I did love Hardee's loaded omelette biscuit. Whoashit, so good.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would kill to have an In n Out burger in Texas. Or a White Castle for that matter...I still secretly love the little frozen ones.

As for the terrible catagory...I agree that Taco Bell is the absolute worst. I do like Taco Bueno and Taco Casa for fast food "mexican".

I admit to liking LJS every great once in awhile...but I never ever go inside one. The floors, tables, chairs, malt vinegar bottles, etc are covered in a layer of grease.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whataburger is also pretty damn good.

Blogger kate said...

lmao. you are one funny dude.

i love duchess. it's the only good fast food we have here.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I once knew someone who preferred Taco Bell over actual Mexican food, because Taco Bell was BETTER. I still don't understand that.

Blogger Nick said...

Ubie spelled testicle wrong.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I agree with you on all accounts. Taco Hell....Make a Run for the Bathroom......that's what I have to say about that!

Blogger MoDigli said...

ha! Hilarious!

I have to agree - In and Out is the BEST. I don't go often, but it's one thing that makes California pretty cool. I'd always heard of it, and now I know why!

Ever read Fast Food Nation? (Also a movie hitting theaters now) They rip Fast Food a new one, but it also gives In and Out their props. Year after year, In and Out gets #1 awards for cleanest establishment and best food. They cut potatoes fresh, and I think they get their meat delivered fresh daily, not frozen. They even give their employees a decent wage - gasp - above minimum wage, and offer benies. The managers can make 50K or more. Sweeeeet.

Everything else is shit. But I've never been to Chick-Fil-A, and I've heard amazing things about it. They just opened one up here in San Diego. Hmmm... might have to try it out now!

PS. Back home in Ohio we had a Taco Bell/Long John Silvers combo restaurant in one. I'm sure you would've loved that, Todd!

Blogger Rachel said...

Well damn, we have none of that here.


Oh, and I'm not going to Vegas. It would be fun but you're not there so there is no reason for me to go.

Love ya!

Did a burglary investigation at a Taco Bell in NY. The crime scene was nothing compared to the leftover tray of refried beans that they were going to serve that next day. Even CSI was stumped on the ingredients!

Vast... dont forget the gay mexican counter guy at Fatburger at Green Valley Ranch.. did you request his secret sauce once??

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mmm...In-n-Out...

"Those are good burgers, Dude."

Hey, I'm in California right now! Maybe I'll go get me some In-n-Out!

Mike,

That guy's gayness can be seen from space. I actually saw him walking through the parking lot of the Sunset Station one day with a "longtime companion." He was referring to himself in the third person, saying "This little bitch would look good in tight jeans." I swear to God. I am afraid to breath in his presence. Is that wrong?

Vast.. I was with you. We just had lunch at Gimme Sum

Blogger Monkey said...

Just the smell of a Hardees used to make me vomit in my hand.

Blogger Joe Fresser said...

Yay-ess! Get me a double double and in-n-out. And those hand cut fries are divoon.

Do y'all have Chipotle there yet. I realize also not authentic Mex, but it's real food, made fresh with no-hormone meat and just a buck or so more than Taco Bell. Very good.

My quandary is I still love McD fries. Only time I buy there is when I need to eat and drive since stuff doesn't fall out of a Quarter Pounder. But I feel like I've checked a day off my life every time I do.

Blogger DogGirl said...

I like hushpuppies.

Blogger Lord Spanky said...

atlanta ga, ghetto burger was named the countries BEST burger ...

unfortunately there is only one and you might have to wait in line for 2 or 3 hours to get one ..

but it TRULY does melt in yo mouth .. its simply the best burger in the world and could stand up to any competition ..

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